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A friend's mental issues
I have a friend that is bipolar/manic depressive, has borderline personality and schizophrenic. We've been friends for about 4 years now, and everytime we hang out (like lunches and movies), it seems to me that there is nothing wrong with her. She's 23, jobless, married, and they are staying at her parents for the 2 1/2 years of their marriage, (though her hubby works as a bookseller and she relies on her mental disability checks)...She is cheating on her husband with a guy that she met online. She is now in Ireland to meet this guy for the first time (she confessed her infidelity to her husband a couple of months ago-he moved out a couple of days before she leaves for Ireland). While her husband was in the process of moving out of her parents' that day, she decided to stay at my place until her flight, because she said that seeing her husband leave is going to hurt her so bad (and i was like "Duh!), so she stayed with me for 5 days. The whole time that she stayed at my place, she acted like a normal person. It just irks me that she doesn't have a job and depending solely on her husband's income and her disability check from the government, which is not a lot. So its a good thing that they are (or were) living together at her folks' house.
Then she was trying to justify her infidelity to her mental issues. That she is mentally unstable that she couldn't help it that she fell in love with this Irish guy over the net. I got so upset that I told her that I don't believe that she's got all those mental problems that she says she has, because she acts like a normal person to me. I think she is just lazy and was spoiled by her parents.
So do any of you know somebody that has the same mental problem that she has? How do you deal with that person? She doesn't have any friends but me. And for some reason I am the only one that puts up with her b.s. and she is getting into may last nerves. I want to stay friends with her, but I just don't know if i can deal with her "mental problems".
Then she was trying to justify her infidelity to her mental issues. That she is mentally unstable that she couldn't help it that she fell in love with this Irish guy over the net. I got so upset that I told her that I don't believe that she's got all those mental problems that she says she has, because she acts like a normal person to me. I think she is just lazy and was spoiled by her parents.
So do any of you know somebody that has the same mental problem that she has? How do you deal with that person? She doesn't have any friends but me. And for some reason I am the only one that puts up with her b.s. and she is getting into may last nerves. I want to stay friends with her, but I just don't know if i can deal with her "mental problems".
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by David on -
She sounds like she is driving you nuts and you see many faults in her, so can I ask why do you want to stay friends with her?
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Permalink Reply by JJ on -
I'm not doubting your friends "condition," but she needs to learn to embrace the fact that will still be held accountable for her actions, regardless of her mental status. I know 3 different people who have been clinically diagnosed with depression, and of those 3, two are actively taking medication to control their bi-polar disorder. What makes me question the validity of your friends condition, is the fact that she is using it as a crutch to justify her current situation.
I have yet to meet a single disabled, bipolar, or clinically diagnosed depressed person who isn't actively trying to live a normal life. They don't go around telling everyone about their problems, and they generally refuse to accept that their condition is holding them back. Sure, its frustrating for them when they do fall, and boy do they fall hard sometimes...but hardly a justifiable crutch for living as one pleases!
I agree with David, you don't seem to pleased with her friendship right now, and obviously she isn't a positive influence for you...so why stay?
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Permalink Reply by Becca on -
I have bipolar disorder. The thing with bipolar is we do seem 'normal' a lot of the time. Unless she has ultra-rapid cycling bp she will have have periods of normality between her episodes of mania and depression. The fact that you say that she has borderline disorder will explain her 'impulsive' behaviour. It drives me crazy when people try to justify their behaviour with solely their illness. However, I will say this. I too, have done things that I am totally ashamed of as a result of my illness. I have done things that 'normal' me would NEVER have done. The fact that your friend has 'come clean' with her husband implies that she has some form of conscience. It is hard to comment however, not knowing the background to your friendship, what her qualities are etc etc. I will say this though, if she has many good qualities, think twice before cutting her out of her life because when this 'episode' (if she is experiencing one) is over, she's gonna feel like hell and is gonna need someone around. If she doesn't have good qualities and has not been a good friend to you, screw her. The fact that she is mentally ill is not a reason to feel that you have to put up with with a bad friend.
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Permalink Reply by Amber on -
I agree with JJ in that she needs to hold herself accountable for her actions. It sounds like she is using her "disease" as a cop out to not be a functioning person in society.
She sounds like a toxic person, I don't think I'd want to stay friends with her. Sometimes you just have to let go.
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Permalink Reply by Oats on -
Sometimes your "disease" is so bad that even heavily regimented medications can't keep you stable. When someone is unstable, they can't keep their thoughts in order let alone a job. It is not easy to get social security unless your condition is bad enough that your psychiatrist can prove to the government that you can't work.
She sounds like she has unresolved mental health issues to me. I know plenty of mentally stable people who do worse things on a regular basis. We don't call them toxic, we call them players.
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Permalink Reply by Oats on
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<-- Also bipolar.... Yes, people with bipolar disorder are known to do stupid and rash things like fall in love with random people and go meet them and then only weeks later come crashing down from this high that may appear to you as just normal, but it's likely a hypomania - typical of bp type II, which people know less about... anyway, she'll come crashing down, realize she doesn't love this guy in Ireland, realize they fucked up their marriage, etc. Another bp friend of mine just did the same thing. Ruined her marriage etc. and now she has to figure out how to support herself since she only had a part time job. Support herself and child.
Again, manic or not, she is accountable for her actions. While right and wrong are more gray in manic times, this is contradicted by borderline which the person sees everything in black and white... Whatever.
Don't ditch a friend because they make stupid choices. tell them they're making stupid decisions when they are. That's what friends do. Don't ditch her because of her antics, there are plenty of other reasons someone shouldn't be considered a friend. Like Becca said, don't really know anything about your friendship, but if she does crash, she'll need someone to talk to, especially if she's isolated herself from everyone else. Not to splash cold water on your face but I've had more than one rude awakening in finding out friends are simply no longer there... they crashed a little too hard and opted out.
Just have a reality check with yourself, with her, and find out why whatever medication she is taking is not working. It's fairly obvious you know little about her condition because bipolar and schizophrenia can't be dually diagnosed, it's not called manic depression anymore either. I hope the best for you and your friend.
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Permalink Reply by Gary on -
My family has a long history of bipolar disorder (manic-depression). Most of them lead perfectly normal lives because they accepted, though it wasn't easy, the fact that they have a social disability. They've been to the doctor, they're taking proscribed medications and they regularly go to counseling sessions. Those things help a lot and they're all now able to recognize when they are having rational thoughts and when the disorder is taking a hold of them.
Your friend is blaming a bad decision on a mental issue. There is a good change that she's right, but so what? If she recognizes the fact that she is making an irrational decision and chooses to go through with it anyways, that is her mistake. If you're a kleptomaniac and you can't help but steal something, that's not your fault. Its a social disorder. However, if you know you're a kleptomaniac and you continue to steal because dealing with it may seem too difficult, then I believe it's your own fault.
A bad decision is a bad decision, regardless of why you made it. If she were my friend, I would lay down the law. Allowing people to suffer by making unhealthy choices is just as wrong.
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