The Bloggers With The Most To Say
A Poll For The Boys...
Ladies, you can definitely chime in here, but I'm for sure looking for some input from the boys.
As my blog title may indicate, I am single and infertile! My basic story is that I have a disease that has really destroyed my lady parts, and I was told that if I ever wanted to have kids I needed to do it now... I did a round of IVF in July and it failed, but I had 2 embryos frozen from that. I am currently in the process of putting those two embryos in next week, on the 11th. The chance of success there is 30%.
OK, so here's the part where I need your input. In the last two years since this started, I haven't really dated much. I've kind of gone back and forth with an ex, but no one new really. It was just a lot of stress, and I wasn't really in a place to date. I have been asked out by guys who know my story (and actually seem totally fine with what I'm doing), but for the most part I just haven't been interested.
Well, TODAY I meet a guy. How's that for freaking timing?!? I like him though, and we're going out tomorrow night. My first date with a new guy I'm actually excited about since all this began.
And I'm trying to get pregnant next week.
Now, he may or may not have an idea that something is going on. We actually met when he came to my house to install countertops today, and I have a lot of my IVF stuff around. It would be hard to miss unless you just really weren't paying attention.
But my question for you is - would it be a deal breaker for you if a girl was doing what I'm doing? There is no other guy waiting in the wings, and I actually used an anonymous donor, but... Would the threat of an impending pregnancy be a total non-negotiable for you?
Don't worry... you aren't going to hurt my feelings with your honesty. I'm not trying to date YOU! :)
Seriously though - how would you react? And how/when in the dating process should a girl reveal something crazy like that?
Replies to This Discussion
-
Permalink Reply by Kyle on -
I can't imagine any open-minded adult male having an issue with it. Personally I think it's admirable to firstly, know what you want, and secondly to have the balls to go after it even though it's kind of a terrifying life change.
That being said, it's not first date conversation fodder. I'd wait to see if there's any chemistry and drop it within a month or two of casual dating, before anything gets serious. Goodluck.
-
Permalink Reply by S.I.F. on -
Ha! I totally don't think it's first date fodder either... I AM wondering how much he knows though. I had a calendar kind of outlining all my dates on it right on the fridge in the kitchen he was working in. Part of me is banking on the fact that guys don't pay attention to that kind of thing, but I'm also almost preparing myself for it to come up... Just so I'm not blindsided! :)
That said, 1-2 months may be a bit much too - considering I could feasibly be pregnant next week! I'm almost thinking that it would be the kind of thing I should at least drop when I found out if this round worked, but that is still a few weeks away... I guess I shouldn't get too ahead of myself. After all, this IS only the first date! Ha!
-
Permalink Reply by John Reckzeny on -
First off, even if I wasn't ready for a baby, if I was a girl in your situation, I would know that I would want to have a baby eventually & if a doctor put me on a fertility clock that is soon to expire, then shit--that is the hand you were dealt and you gotta do what you gotta do.
If I were the guy you were goin on that date with & you laid that info on me, I would respect the hell out of you for being so upfront about your situation & it would let me know that you are well beyond playing games and all that other bs. I don't mean to sound like a dick, but in a kinda fucked up way, it could actually make me feel comfortable around you....the fact that you opened up about something so central about yourself and that you actually had the balls to let me in on it early on instead of later on down the road where I could potentially develop feelings for you and feel "trapped" by such a confession. As Kyle said, timing is the tricky issue...not too early so the guy bolts without a second thought but not too late to where it becomes a major skeleton in your closet or you make the guy feel as if you "trapped" him. Truth is, there is no good time to tell the dude about this. It is a potential dealbreaker no matter when you tell him....almost like telling someone you cheated on them (the intensity of the issue). I'm sure a lot of people won't have an issue it with but not too many (on average) will want to take it on a personal level if you know what I mean.
Try not to get your hopes up, though. Don't have any expectations--just take whatever happens as it is cuz there is really nothin you can do about. But still...pregnancy is the heaviest of issues---even for married couples, so...tread lightly. And it's nothing personal against you...if he leaves, he just isn't ready at this point in his life to take on or contribute to such a responsibility. Kudos to you for going through with it though.
-
Permalink Reply by S.I.F. on
-
Thanks John! I've got to be honest, in my mind this has ALWAYS been a deal breaker. I honestly couldn't imagine any guy who would really be OK with this, which is why in the last 2 years I just really haven't gone out of my way to date. I really kind of thought that it would almost be easier for me to try to date as a single mother than as a woman TRYING to be a single mother.
That said, I really have been surprised how many guys in my life have seemed open to it. It kind of shocks me every single time a guy says he would be OK with it. You make such a big point about pregnancy being a big thing even in marriage. It's scary and stressful and just... a lot. I'm thinking I just play it by ear and see what happens, but you're right about one thing - my hopes won't be too high! :)
-
Permalink Reply by Erin McCarthy on -
Its actually a good test like, um, are you cool with this? No, well then PEACE!
-
Permalink Reply by Phil Schwarz on -
In all honesty, that would be a deal breaker for me. If i went on a first date and found out that you were trying to get pregnant, taht would be tough. Pregnancies are an extremely stressful time, even without trying to start a relationship during one. And one of the best parts about the beginning of a relationship, especially when you are young, is being able to be carefree. To drop everything and take a trip. To go to a fancy restaurant and order too much wine. To have copious amounts of sex without having to worry about the baby waking up. I just think that with taking this step, it would be too much for me.
-
Permalink Reply by little m on -
This.
Granted I am not a dude, but if my partner had been like "hey lets make babies!" when we first started dating my response would have been "fuck this shit, lets go to Cuba instead!"<--carefree fun is a lot more enticing than babies for most people... heck this would probably be my answer tomorrow were the topic to come up.
Though I can respect your honesty & decision due to circumstances, not everyone is ready for that step in their lives so soon. I understand you wouldn't be turning to a new date interest as a main source of support or anything, but they may feel as if you might, which could make them uncomfortable.
-
Permalink Reply by S.I.F. on
-
I definitely agree with this to an extent, although for me - I passed that part of my life a while back. I do think you hit a place where you, and most of the people you're dating, are looking for something more settled. And that's where I've been for a while.... you know?
I did not drop the bomb last night, and we wound up having an amazing first date. Now it's just going to be a matter of figuring out when to lay it out there. The truth is, I'm going to be fine no matter what. This really is my journey, and I'm not looking for anyone to step into that father role right out the gate. I'm fine doing this all on my own if that's what happens, but if the right guy comes along who is open to my situation... then so be it! I'm not sure if this guy is that guy, but I guess I'll find out soon! :)
-
Permalink Reply by Freeman Dyson on -
If you want it to be serious, you should tell him early as possible. If you aren't looking for anything serious, then who cares. I honestly would want nothing to do with all that, especially right off the bat, and I doubt most guys would either.
-
Permalink Reply by Starshard0 on -
That would be a deal-breaker for me, but I'm in my early 20's and I'm not exactly looking to have kids at the moment. If it's an older guy I can see how he might be on board with the insta-family though.
© 2012 Created by Lisa.
