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Can you ever really be friends with your ex?
Can a guy and a girl who were best friends, then dated and broke up ever be as close as they were before and during the relationship? Especially if the break up was not mutual?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Kendi L. on -
My best guy friend is an ex. We dated briefly in 2004/2005 and after the break up we ended up having more of a brother/sister relationship. It was a mutual decision to break up because we felt like we would be better off as friends and we were totally right. I love him to death - but as nothing more than a friend/family member. He's married now with a daughter and his wife and I are close friends as well. So, I definitely believe it's possible! But I think both people involved have to be in the same place as far as feelings are concerned.
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Permalink Reply by Pink Gingham Girl on -
My ex cheated on me, but surprisingly we are on good terms now, both in new relationships and happy. I think you really have to want to be friends, both own up to your part of the demise of the relationship and realize that your relationship will change, but you can still be friends. It's such a peaceful feeling to have there be no animosity.
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Permalink Reply by Nikkiana on -
Well, I don't think it's impossible... but if the breakup wasn't mutual, I think it can be more difficult. It takes time to sort out all of those feelings.
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Permalink Reply by Cherie on -
I guess it can work for some people, but it blew up big time for yours truly.
My ex and I broke up, but tried to remain "best friends" -- which to him meant everything we had before, without the physical stuff so he could "be with" a girl who lived closer (we were long distance at the time). I was extremely jealous and he really toyed with my emotions. It sucked, and it ended up where we stopped talking. We'll Facebook chat once in awhile, but it's always just pleasantries and now he's married with a kid and I'm a blogger.
So to answer your question.. umm not in my experience, but my experience is limited. :)
End of spew.
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Permalink Reply by Tom on -
Unfortunately, no. Or at least not right away. You need time and space to get over a break up. I broke up with my best friend 'at the time' when we were dating, took a few months time to move on and then never really put any effort in re-contacting her. Partially because I thought it would be awkward and partially because I felt I may slip back with all the hard moving on work I had done.
I dunno, maybe years down the line?
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Permalink Reply by Sarah Hayes on -
I think it depends on the situation, but in my experience it doesn't work out very well.
I quasi-dated one guy and then he all of a sudden just up and stopped talking to me. Three weeks later he was dating another girl (with my same name, I might add). We didn't talk for the entire summer but when we got back to school, he all of a sudden wanted to be best friends again (it didn't help that we were in a class together two days a week in my major, so he always wanted my help with stuff since he was so "new at this"). He wanted to hang out all the time and would spill his guts to me about his sexcapades and romantic woes and everything else under the sun -- stuff I definitely didn't want to hear about because I was still hurting from the whole situation. I ended up becoming so bitter that it killed our friendship. We haven't had more than 5 minute "hey, how are you?" conversation in over two years.
Then there was the boy who smashed my heart, and even though he told me that nothing had changed and things would go on just as they had before, he hurt me too badly for me to ever be able to be friends again. I had dinner with him two weeks ago and told him that if we're ever friends again, it's not going to be because either of us decides it should happen. It's just going to happen. The way he treated me at the end of it all killed any desire I had to still be his friend.
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Permalink Reply by Jorah Day on -
If we're focusing on the 'ever' part of this question... i think 'ever' is a really long time. Anything is possible, especially when humans grow and evolve every day. we are not sedentary creatures, we need change to survive. Sometimes this change takes you down different paths...and sometimes the changes cross the paths over each other.
Your twenties are harsh and violent emotionally. a lot of things happen in a short amount of time for us 20 somethings. But years and perspective tend to shed light on questions we asked repeatedly when we're no longer looking for the answers.
If you're clinging to the hope of his presence right now, it's natural. but you will eventually move on, and life will provide you with something better if you are open to it. And eventually, your hurt will give way to indifference, and you won't find yourself asking this question anymore.
Good luck, Yishi. I hope this heartbreak shapes you for life to come. I have a feeling you'll handle the shit out of it.
Love,
J
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Permalink Reply by K on -
Wow...Yishi, are you an alternate version of me?? I went through a breakup in September, and it was very much the same. I told him that I wanted him in my life, but I didn't know if it would actually be possible. Definitely get some distance for a while. There needs to be a time for any anger, mourning, pain, etc. to come out.
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