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Cutting People Off
I recently started a new job that wildly imposed on my social life (I work nights and/or weekends on a regular basis in addition to 9-to-5 duties) and have noticed I no longer have patience for people who aren't making an equal effort in our relationship, be it platonic or otherwise. Simply put, someone can't flake on me and expect me to try again. I don't have the time to waste it on being annoyed with anyone, whether I've known them for 10 years or 10 days.
It's a bit frustrating to have to give up on people I like, and really would enjoy hanging out with. I'm normally that guy who's always keeping in contact. But -- at least right now -- it feels necessary to hack away at some ties to maintain my mental and emotional health.
Has anyone else had to deal with a similar situation? How have you dealt with it? Have you ever reconnected with someone you let go? How did you get back on even ground?
It's a bit frustrating to have to give up on people I like, and really would enjoy hanging out with. I'm normally that guy who's always keeping in contact. But -- at least right now -- it feels necessary to hack away at some ties to maintain my mental and emotional health.
Has anyone else had to deal with a similar situation? How have you dealt with it? Have you ever reconnected with someone you let go? How did you get back on even ground?
Tags: balance, friends, life-work balance, quarter-life crisis, relationships, social life
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Cee on -
I've had a semi-similar situation.
There were people in my life who were never there for me - not even a 'hey - just making sure you're still alive' call... but would get all pissed off if they wanted to go out and I had other plans.
I just get tired.
Relationships - even just friendships should be equal. When you have someone who is Taking Taking Taking, it's draining when you're the only one Giving.. you know what I mean?
At the same time though, I don't think you should just write off people the first time they upset you. Sometimes things happen, that's life. If you keep cutting people out on their first 'offense" eventually you won't be left with anything. And plus, it's nice as you get older to be surrounded by those that "grew up" with you (like college friends for example that you still keep in touch with).
So bottom line - I guess in all this rambling I'm thinking if you feel people are really toxic, then let them go. Maybe later you all will reconnect with again. If there are minor infractions then maybe it wouldn't hurt to keep them around a bit longer and see if the situation changes.
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Permalink Reply by David Stehle on -
I think it's just part of growing up. You get busier in life which leads to more stress and that then shows when it comes to your personal life - your personal relationships.
I think it's important to cut "toxic relationships" out of your life and surround yourself with positive people. Figure out who your true friends are and be sure to value those relationships. Whatever you do, just make sure you aren't lashing out at the world. If you find yourself that stressed and angry, it may be time to look into a way to unwind from your workday - exercise, boxing, yoga, whatever works for you. Just don't let yourself stay wound too tight, it's not healthy and you'll drive yourself mad!
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Permalink Reply by NoOrdinaryBen on
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Your post is my life right now. I think part of being a 20-something is seeing which are the friends that stick it out and you grow old with and which are the fair-weather friends, if you don't mind me being so cliché. It's pretty easy to watch it happen naturally once you get past it emotionally. I just go with the flow, putting in effort with the ones I know would do the same with me. I'll certainly get together with the others given the opportunity but there's just no room for them in my new priorities.
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Right. It's easy to be friends with people that you see every day in a structured environment. Slowly by steadily, your twenties put more obstacles in the way. You end up weeding out the people who won't jump the hurdles but instead expect you to do so every time. You'll get worn down and when you wise up, you'll be left with the ones who matter most and care the most about you.
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Permalink Reply by The Brooklyn Boy on -
BINGO. That's exactly where I'm at right now. Thanks for crystallizing it.
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Permalink Reply by PP on -
I've got a similar situation going on right now but for some reason, I JUST KEEP ON TRYING. I don't even know why i'm bothering, i haven't saw the person in about five months now, but I am always very reluctant to give up on a friendship. I really wish I could let go so easily, it would make my life so much easier!
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Permalink Reply by The Brooklyn Boy on
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John - Yeah. It's tough. Appreciate the support.
Cee - Those kind of people you mention -- no effort, but upset when you stop making one -- are exactly the ones I've been letting go. Tired is exactly the right word for it. I know I'm a "giver," but it feels damn good to be able to sit back and let someone else take the reins on occasion.
It's not a "first offense" type thing; as busy as I am, I totally understand life getting in the way sometimes. It's when a pattern emerges, like someone -- who I only talked to when I called to confirm our plans -- saying she's really gonna try to come out because she didn't like that i would half-jokingly call her a flake ... and then flaking. I like to think I've got a good ability to read when people are legitimately making excuses. We'll good, I suppose.
David -- I've been real big on positive people. They've really helped me continue to succeed and grow, particularly since I moved upstate two years ago. For the record, as far as outlets go: I hit the gym twice a week (min), write and get out and about.
BB -- Getting past the emotionality has been tough. I really like people and I really like spending time with people. Especially when it's rewarding. And just knowing that it's better for me not to try, because I'll only be irritated, that's not a fun feeling.
PP -- Yeah, it was realizing I was trying too much that made me stop. You'll figure it out. Trust the instincts -- they're usually right?
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Permalink Reply by Lacey Bean on -
I barely talk to people from high school anymore, because they couldn't be bothered to put in the effort to keep in touch when I went away to school/moved away from home. And you know what? There are a few good people that I still keep in touch with, and the others? Their loss, not mine. :)
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Permalink Reply by cooper on -
I think as you grow as a person some people just don't fit like they used to. I may be selfish but I do not go out of my way to maintain friendships which seem past their prime. Some friendships are long term and some are not. The times I have to spend with friends I want it to click, not be an effort.
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Permalink Reply by HBee on -
In my personal experience I've had to let some relationships go because the other person wasn't putting in the same kind of effort as I was. Seems that the most rewarding relationships, for all involved, are the ones where both parties are participating equally. Like you, I felt bad...almost guilty for cutting people loose. But life's too short to be dissapointed by people. Especially if those people are just "friends." Family can be a bit trickier...
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Permalink Reply by Alexandra//Outspoken C of 20sb haha on -
I did that when I first got out of college and I'm doing it again. As self absorbed as this might sound, my time is to precious to be wasted on people who aren't going to give me the same respect as I give them. Like if I'm there for you when the umptenth guy you supposedly love dumps you - I'd like to think, you'd return the favor if I'm going thru a tough time.
There's one girl who I cut off 4 years ago, who's still trying to get back on my good graces or she's stalking me depending on how you see it. I might not be surronded by millions of friends, but I have a great small group of friends and that's all I need. Plus, I'm happier with out the excess baggage *fringe* friends.
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Permalink Reply by Her on -
This is totally where I am right now!
Cutting people out is so hard, especially when they have been a part of your life for so long. I honestly think I will feel freer as I continue to fine tune my friends--my social time won't feel as wasted. I am actually really excited to enrich friendships, some new, some longstanding, more selectively.
I was getting tired of putting everything in only to get nothing back. That's over!
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