The Bloggers With The Most To Say
Domestic Goddess vs Independent Woman
I just wrote a blog post titled "Feminism, Fear and Tending to Your Boyfriend" that was inspired by some friends' disapproving remarks after they found out I was helping my boyfriend out with his chores. It made me think about how reluctant some might be to be nurturing because of that fear of being expected to play a certain role or because of what other women might say about it.
So I'd love to know, do any of you ladies deal with inner/outer conflicts when you tend to your bf/husband? Or do you believe guys should just fend for themselves? And gentlemen, what do you think about today's independent women? Is it just a facade or do you feel guys have unrealistic domestic expectations of us?
http://dryastoast.blogspot.com/2011/05/feminism-fear-and-tending-to...
Tags: domestic, gender, men, relationships, roles, societal, women
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by cooper on -
Though I am learning to cook certain dishes for fun and entertaining purposes, I'm not much of a nurturer. Domestic tasks in general bore me. Putting away laundry and dishes is torture. It is unlikely I'd be doing these tasks for someone who happened to forget to do them, because I'd be more likely to be that person. I am not against helping people out in an emergency, but It is doubtful I'd do someones laundry while he was out to dinner. I don't feel conflicted at all on this subject. I'm not particularly fearful of what other women think or say.
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Permalink Reply by Shelly on -
I do almost all of the house work, and I'm fine with that. I only work part time and so I have a lot more free time at home than my husband. However, if a week goes by and I need help, he's more than willing to help. I start working full time soon, so we'll see how the chores divvy up. As long as we've lived together (about two years) I've always had the part time job.
That being said, I think the only way I'd have a problem with doing the housework is if he expected me to do it. If I asked for help and he refused.
And reading your post, when reading about your experience with the laundry. -- I would do that and not think anything of it. I mean, if he's visiting with an old friend and I'm sitting at home. How hard is it to throw a load of laundry in the washer?
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Permalink Reply by c.apricio.us on -
I actually tend to get severely pissed off at my boyfriend for doing fuck all around the house, and that leads to general annoyance. I end up doing most of the chores after asking repeatedly, seeing nothing happen, and proclaiming a war of attrition that I will inevitably lose because I cannot stand looking at a mountain of dishes in the sink for days on end. I have gotten a little snappy lately, though; he keeps telling me to call the landlord to fix something, and I keep responding with "Not until you have mowed the lawn." (We get, like, $30 off our rent every month for tending to the yard. Since I do absolutely everything inside, I expect that he at least do that. Plus, if the landlord saw, he'd never let us keep the cheaper rent.)
I have no problem with helping out around the home or helping with chores, but I do have a big issue with being lazy and not taking responsibility for your own messes (or sharing that responsibility with your housemate/significant other/whatever) unless you mutually agree that you both don't give a crap. If someone outright refuses to help when asked, I honestly just want to knock them in the face with a broom.
Side note: That's not to say I dislike my boyfriend (because I don't). He was raised differently than I was and by a very ... I want to say "traditional" family where the woman was expected to do everything. Traditional sounds like a horrible way to put it, though. Since his mother took 27 years to speak up about anything, he's totally confused when I speak my mind about things I believe are important; it's awkwardly fun for me. Also, I can be quite the bitch when it comes to sharing my space with someone for an extended length of time when mutual decisions have yet to be achieved.
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Permalink Reply by Erin McCarthy on -
I think I have felt like the woman you describe. I didn't want to admit that I liked doing dishes or other "woman's work" to some of my friends because it meant that I had stopped fighting the fight, so to speak.
I'm over that. My partner does his part and I do mine. Both of us cook and both of us do dishes. I wouldn't go doing my boy friend's chores unless I lived with him....because then it would be our chores. In the other instance I would fear being taken for granted. But if you wash and I dry I don't have a problem with that. That's helping. There may be other reasons your friends point this out. Are there imbalances in your relationship? Obviously you know these people and I don't but love does blind.
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Permalink Reply by Yogini Anya; on -
wait! you are a girl or guy?
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Permalink Reply by K. E. Argonza on -
Uhmm.
I'm kinda finding much of this misandrist and misogynistic...
Frankly, a well rounded PERSON should be able to do their chores, sew a button, change a diaper, cook a (basic) meal, change a flat tire, change their oil, clean a bath tub, do the laundry, kill a spider, and fix a leaky faucet... etc. regardless of what anyone says. Last I checked, both men and women wore pants and everyone was meant to be self sufficient.
My husband likes to cook, so I do the dishes. Not all the time, mind you. We can both do either one, but who cares if I want to give him a backrub and do his laundry? The point of being together is taking care of each other, no?
If you don't mind doing it, and he doesn't force it on you, who cares?
Frankly, there's nothing LESS feminist than judging a house wife for choosing to be a house wife because she's being traditional. Would they call a man, a "woman" for choosing to be a Stay at Home Dad? Or would they simply call that being an enlightened male?
Stupid Sexist Standards.
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Permalink Reply by Karin on -
Honestly, I've never given it much thought. I've lived with my boyfriend for +3 years now and household chores has never been much of an issue.
One of us cook dinner (usually him since I'm a lousy cook) and the other one do the dishes afterwards. One of us vacuums and the other one dusts. One of us do the laundry (usually me since I actually like it) and the other one clean the bathroom etc. And if one of us is busy or something the other one is happy to step in and do a bigger part.
Guess it helps that we have pretty much the same "dirt tolerance" and views on how tidy and clean the apartment need to be. And any disagreements are usually solved by a quick game of rock-paper-scissors :D
I've never felt like I should do/not do anything because I'm a woman. Maybe I'm naive, but I thought that, in these modern times, every person/couple were free to do things however they want. I don't see why anyone on the outside should have an opinion about it.
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Permalink Reply by Lissa on -
While I prided myself on being both a feminist and a domestic goddess while I lived with my parents and by myself, things have changed now that I live with my partner. He's an ex-chef, loves to cook, and his most hated chore is washing the dishes, so I do that while letting him cook most of the time. I do the laundry, and he vacuums when I ask him to. He's also got a lot more belongings than I do because I immigrated with hardly anything, so it's usually his crap strewn everywhere which i will tell him to pick up or it goes in the bin.
I was raised to be totally independent but it's lovely not to cook dinner every night. I don't mind so much doing the other chores because if i don't do them, they won't get done. He'll do things if and when I ask, but apart from that he doesn't really mind living in a bit of mess. If I get too overwhelmed, I lose my temper and he jumps to appease me.
I don't want him to fend for himself because we're a partnership, a team, and we look after each other. I pride myself on my cooking, but he loves to do it more than I do, so I let him. I know he hates washing the dishes, so I do that for him. It's a give and take thing.
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Permalink Reply by Shay on -
People should help others they care about. Regardless of their gender. If I love someone, and I can make their life a little easier, I will do my best and do so. And I would expect the same from said persons as well. I don't consider that to be submissive and un-independant (wait, was that even a word?)
I love helping my bf out when he needs it, and I love having him help me out when I need it! Sometimes its nice to come home to folded laundry.
Plus I hate feminism and anything to do with feminism so much I will do anything to stay away feminist theories.
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Permalink Reply by Shantae on -
I'm certainly not a super feminist but in the same light I also won't be expected to do EVERYTHING. My boyfriend and I take turns cleaning the dishes, though neither of us do much cooking he tends to do more than I do, I'll clean upstairs in our townhouse and he'll clean the downstairs. Stuff like that. I believe that's how it should be. A sort of 50/50 arrangement. In this day and age the application of "roles" and "titles" should be null and void.
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Permalink Reply by Jordan on -
I don't work and my boyfriend supports us but he doesn't work either (medically disabled military retirement) so when I do chores sometimes I get annoyed because he is playing video games but I've found that, if I ask for his help, he's always more than willing to pitch in. Today I did the dishes and he mowed the lawn. If I hang the clothes (I used a clothesline in the summer) he'll help me take them down and put them away. It's a give and take thing, I don't like doing chores anymore than he does but when we do them together we usually end up having a lot of fun.
Now, if he expected me to do the chores, that'd be a whole different thing and I'd probably strangle him. I don't mind doing what I do and I'm glad he likes to help. I know the lifestyle I choose to live is different from what he is accustomed to and requires more work (growing food, composting, clotheslines, etc.) but I'm glad he supports me in my decisions. My view of being independent isn't being independent from a man and being able to do things on my own, it's being independent as much as I can be from consumerism and corporations, and being able to survive on my own in that way. I'm all for being Laura Ingalls Wilder out on the prairie. ha.
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Permalink Reply by Stephanie on -
After watching my mom take care of my dad in a way that made me sick [as in he had a fucking BELL that he would ring when he wanted something], I find it REALLY hard to take care of my husband. He gets it though. He knows why I make him fend for himself, but it does make me feel a little like a bitch. Oh well. I can't stomach it, I guess.
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