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Friendship dilema - opinions please?
I'll try to keep this as short as possible, but I'm in need of some guidance...
There are two friends here: "Amy" (the BFF) and "Regina" (still a close friend, but she lives farther away, so the bond wasn't as tight, although we are a lot more similar personality-wise and I think that keeps us really close)
The 3 of us were all good friends up until about November when all hell broke loose with Amy.
I won't bore you with all the details, but basically Amy was pissed off that I couldn't go out ONE Friday night. (seriously, who the hell stops talking to a "best friend" because she couldn't go out ONE NIGHT?) It's not even like I flaked out on her at the last minute. I told her WAY in advance I would not be able to go out because I was packing for my last-minute move to a new apartment. I tried texting her, calling her, Facebook messaging her... and nothing. ooooook. At one point she sent me a Facebook message back saying "I'm ready" as in she was ready to talk. I replied with "cool, call me whenever" and like I expected, she never did.
I'm over it. It's disappointing that after everything we have been through together, she is just going to cut me out like that for a silly reason, but I figure sometimes it takes crazy shizz like that to see other people's true selves. In a lot of ways, I feel a bit liberated b/c many times I felt like I always had to walk on eggshells around her and because in retrospect I felt that she walked all over me.
The issue here is with the other friend Regina.
Regina was aware of what was going on. In fact after Thanksgiving I asked Regina what I should do because I had tried texting/calling/messaging/etc Amy with no response.
Regina's response was something to the effect of how she loved us both but didn't want to get involved because it made her uncomfortable.
Ooooook.
At one point Amy sent me a Facebook message (yes, I'm serious) saying "I'm ready" as in ready to talk about everything like a grown-up, and so I replied back with "cool, call me whenever" and just as I expected, she never did. No worries.
Fast forward now. It's so weird talking to Regina because there is this proverbial elephant in the room EVERY TIME we talk. We tip-toe around topics that might have anything to do with Amy.
To make matters worse, I found out that she came up to visit Amy and she didn't even let me know. No short visit ... nothing... just in and out and back to where she lives.
It really hurt my feelings that she could come visit Amy but couldn't even bother to call me to see if I wanted to see her for a quick lunch or something before she left.
To make matters worse, I was talking to Regina via email a couple of weeks ago and she mentioned she was coming up again to visit Amy like a day before. Granted I was not going to be here b/c I was going to Wine Country, but it still sucked that she wasn't even planning on telling me. I pretty much had to ask her 3 different ways for her to say she was coming here.
By that point I had it. I told her that it really made me feel crappy that she always made time to visit Amy but wouldn't even tell me about it so that we could meet up for a quick dinner or something.
She responded with something about 'yea I know. It's weird going up to visit Amy and not seeing you both and I don't want to do that to you" (apparently she had a friend who did that to her)
That was about a week ago.
Honestly, a part of me just wants to let go of this friendship too. It's just too weird and I don't see how it would work. I know I should at least talk to her about it but I don't really know how.
Does anyone have any suggestions?
Thanks in advance..
Cee
There are two friends here: "Amy" (the BFF) and "Regina" (still a close friend, but she lives farther away, so the bond wasn't as tight, although we are a lot more similar personality-wise and I think that keeps us really close)
The 3 of us were all good friends up until about November when all hell broke loose with Amy.
I won't bore you with all the details, but basically Amy was pissed off that I couldn't go out ONE Friday night. (seriously, who the hell stops talking to a "best friend" because she couldn't go out ONE NIGHT?) It's not even like I flaked out on her at the last minute. I told her WAY in advance I would not be able to go out because I was packing for my last-minute move to a new apartment. I tried texting her, calling her, Facebook messaging her... and nothing. ooooook. At one point she sent me a Facebook message back saying "I'm ready" as in she was ready to talk. I replied with "cool, call me whenever" and like I expected, she never did.
I'm over it. It's disappointing that after everything we have been through together, she is just going to cut me out like that for a silly reason, but I figure sometimes it takes crazy shizz like that to see other people's true selves. In a lot of ways, I feel a bit liberated b/c many times I felt like I always had to walk on eggshells around her and because in retrospect I felt that she walked all over me.
The issue here is with the other friend Regina.
Regina was aware of what was going on. In fact after Thanksgiving I asked Regina what I should do because I had tried texting/calling/messaging/etc Amy with no response.
Regina's response was something to the effect of how she loved us both but didn't want to get involved because it made her uncomfortable.
Ooooook.
At one point Amy sent me a Facebook message (yes, I'm serious) saying "I'm ready" as in ready to talk about everything like a grown-up, and so I replied back with "cool, call me whenever" and just as I expected, she never did. No worries.
Fast forward now. It's so weird talking to Regina because there is this proverbial elephant in the room EVERY TIME we talk. We tip-toe around topics that might have anything to do with Amy.
To make matters worse, I found out that she came up to visit Amy and she didn't even let me know. No short visit ... nothing... just in and out and back to where she lives.
It really hurt my feelings that she could come visit Amy but couldn't even bother to call me to see if I wanted to see her for a quick lunch or something before she left.
To make matters worse, I was talking to Regina via email a couple of weeks ago and she mentioned she was coming up again to visit Amy like a day before. Granted I was not going to be here b/c I was going to Wine Country, but it still sucked that she wasn't even planning on telling me. I pretty much had to ask her 3 different ways for her to say she was coming here.
By that point I had it. I told her that it really made me feel crappy that she always made time to visit Amy but wouldn't even tell me about it so that we could meet up for a quick dinner or something.
She responded with something about 'yea I know. It's weird going up to visit Amy and not seeing you both and I don't want to do that to you" (apparently she had a friend who did that to her)
That was about a week ago.
Honestly, a part of me just wants to let go of this friendship too. It's just too weird and I don't see how it would work. I know I should at least talk to her about it but I don't really know how.
Does anyone have any suggestions?
Thanks in advance..
Cee
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Mindy on -
It seems like you're putting a lot of effort into a friendship that isn't giving you anything back. Not only did you try with Amy, who clearly doesn't care about the two of you being friends anymore, but you're consistently trying with Regina and getting nothing in return.
I say back away. It's a crappy situation and I'm sure it's not easy to just leave a friendship - let alone two - behind. But it seems as if you're sort of beating a dead horse.
Maybe in time, one or both of them will come back around. Until that point, I say you can do better.
(I'm speaking as someone who has been through friend drama...)
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Permalink Reply by imerika on -
Wow, that sounds harsh. I hate that us girls get so freakin hormonal/crazy about little crap.
Anyway, I would be really interested to hear Amy's side to get the whole story but...whatevs.
Honestly, I'd give Amy a call. Yes I know she is being the immature one here, but you ARE putting Regina in an uncomfortable position--although frankly, I think she needs to grow a pair rather than try and be impartial. Nobody likes impartial people, you know she has to have an opinion and it sounds like she's picking Amy's.
But yes, I think give Amy a call. I know that sounds impossible, but I am the most stubborn person in the world and I know how difficult this would be for me--is it possible it's just a simple misunderstanding? I'm not asking you to apologize, just pick up the phone and ask what's going on. Yes I know, why should you have to do it first? You already messaged on her facebook, yadda, yadda, blah blah. Look, this is where we separate girls from women. Be a WOMAN, and handle this like the twenty something you are. Call Amy. If she's still immature, then let it go and deal with Regina.
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Permalink Reply by cooper on -
If you really think there is something in the friendship worth redeeming give a call, but if after thinking it over you decide otherwise let it go. I don't think friendships should be this difficult, and making such an issue over something so insignificant is certainly making a friendship difficult, that and foolish little game playing friends are really a life/energy sucker.
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Permalink Reply by debi on -
1) Since she was your best friend, I would make a sincere effort and call, like people have mentioned.
B) Friendships work both ways. Once you've made a sincere effort, I'd just stop putting forth the energy and effort. If they want to be your friend, THEY should be making contact and trying too.
3) As for Regina, I'd say hey look - WE can be friends whether we are all friends or not. You don't have to tiptoe around things. You don't have to avoid Amy-related topics. I wouldn't expect Regina to like, be your go-between, or ask her for info on Amy, but I'd just say we can be friends regardless of the situation with Amy.
4) Although if Regina is going to come in town and not visit you, that's f'd. I'd tell her how you feel and if she isn't responsive, stop putting effort there.
BELIEVE ME I know it sucks to lose a friend. I blogged about it just a few days ago, actually. I have recently lost my best friend and I don't even know why. :( It hurts sometimes but I just realized I can not be the one putting in all the energy if he's not doing it too. So I stopped, and he hasn't done anything. If he cared about me or our friendship, he'd do something. Maybe it's the same for you.
Good luck.
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Permalink Reply by Andrea on -
Have you ever told Regina that you want to hang out with her when she comes to visit next? Set up a time and date, that way you're not left hanging. You have to put forth some effort too and going solely by your post, I did not see that in there so I figured I'd mention it.
As far as Amy goes, put in the effort to call her. If she doesn't bother calling you or picking up, then there's really no point. Like someone else said, friendship works in both ways. Maybe she has grown up a little? If she hasn't and continues to be like that, then I suggest not associating with her that much because you don't need that type of stress.
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Permalink Reply by Gamer Grrlz on -
This may sound harsh, but write them both off and feel better! I have a hard time being friends with girls for exactly this reason.
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