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Guys, I need your opinon...
Okay guys, so I am having to take care of my best friend who just got dumped by her boyfriend. They started dating two months ago and everything was going perfectly until he wouldn't quit smoking pot (which - at the beginning of the relationship she told him was a deal breaker and he told her that he wanted to quit because she was more important to him then pot. She never asked him to change, but she did warn him up front that she didn't like it). They got into a huge fight and he broke it off with her. Well really he told her they were on a break - but has taken their relationship off facebook and completely quit talking to her.
So here is my question: She is obviously distraught as they both fell for each other quickly (I love you's were thrown around prematurely if you ask me). He just graduated from college and is having to find a "real job" and is having a hard time with transitioning from the party lifestyle of a college student to a more grown up life style. Her and I both think that he broke things off with her because, although he was attracted to her and liked the idea of her, when the reality set in - he couldn't handle it. And instead of continuing to hurt her - he just decided to end things. Are we looking to much into it? I can't help but think that guys are so simple - that maybe we are just creating this complex analysis to make her feel better and what the truth really is is that he is just being an asshole and didn't want to give up partying to be with her. What do you think?
So here is my question: She is obviously distraught as they both fell for each other quickly (I love you's were thrown around prematurely if you ask me). He just graduated from college and is having to find a "real job" and is having a hard time with transitioning from the party lifestyle of a college student to a more grown up life style. Her and I both think that he broke things off with her because, although he was attracted to her and liked the idea of her, when the reality set in - he couldn't handle it. And instead of continuing to hurt her - he just decided to end things. Are we looking to much into it? I can't help but think that guys are so simple - that maybe we are just creating this complex analysis to make her feel better and what the truth really is is that he is just being an asshole and didn't want to give up partying to be with her. What do you think?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Scott Howard on -
I don't know. Some guys aren't that simple.
If you ask me he didn't respect her. He made empty promises to do something that he didn't even try to do (from your description). He may have known that he wasn't going to quit but liked having a girl around or something. Hopefully that is not true, but that is kind of the vibe I'm getting.
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Permalink Reply by Rebecca on -
Yeah - I think deep down that's how I feel too. But shes holding on to this hope that he will come to his senses soon. Which I think he wont - and if he does, i dont think she should take him back. Because who is to say he wont do it again?
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Permalink Reply by jay. on -
First... I don't think it's fair to start dating someone knowing there is something you already want to change. I know you said she didn't ask him to change, but you also said she said it was a deal breaker. If it was a deal breaker, she wouldn't have dated him in the first place...
I've been down this road... and I don't want to sound insensitive, BUT... it was only 2 months. There's no use crying over spilled milk. I wouldn't even give the guy another thought since he is clearly an asshole no matter which angle you look at it. Tell your friend to move on... it's his loss.
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Permalink Reply by Rebecca on
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I've tried. But I mean she was saying "Becca- He's the one!" I'm not a romantic - but I know of people who've met and married after 23 days of meeting each other and 20 years later are still happily together. Who am I to tell her her feelings aren't real? I don't think he ever loved her - but I've never seen her in this kind of slump. My best friend is GORGEOUS - and never lets a guy treat her this way. Shes just so down.
And she wasn't trying to change him. In fact - when they first met - she told him that she wasn't going to date him because of it. Because she doesn't believe people change. He convinced her otherwise - I partially believed so that he could say that K-Lee was his (his arm candy). She immediately had strong feelings for him - feelings that she hadn't had since her boyfriend in high school - so she let him convince her.
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Permalink Reply by jay. on
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It sounds to me like he knew all the right things to say... :/
I wasn't trying to be a jerk.
I fell in love with my husband literally the first week I knew him... so I know how that goes.
I just wouldn't spend my time being this upset over a guy that was treating me like shit.
After knowing that he can be like this, why would she want to be with him again? Ya know?
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Permalink Reply by Rebecca on
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Yeah - I totally get what your saying. Some guys are just assholes.
I told her we should pull a Dixie Chicks... "Goodbye Earl" had some good ideas.. thats all I'm sayin. lol
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Permalink Reply by Holly Renee on -
I am going to say something different than what a lot of other people here have said. I think that people in general, both women and men, are not simple. It sounds like he is struggling with an addiction (it's debatable whether pot is physically addicting but it definitely can be mentally addicting), struggling with a big life transition (graduating from college), and unsure of what he wants. These are all scary things for anyone (even dudes). I think that he may really have feelings for her but is struggling in general. Anyone who chooses partying over someone that they have told they loved is obviously fighting a hard internal battle (it's not wrong it's just probably difficult for him).
I am not saying your analysis is wrong. I am just saying that he is a human being who likely has had all sorts of experiences, memories, and thoughts throughout his life that have led him here. We are all complex beings. No doubt he is struggling to cope (we all are) and your friend is kind of there for the ride right now.
The bottom line is that he has asked her for space and her job is to now cope with her own stuff. It's hard but he absolutely has to grow (we all do), and it sounds like he is wanting to do that without her right now. Should he invite her back into the his process then she can decide if she wants to help him.
I hope this helps and does not sound to preachy. I could be totally of base. I hope your friend starts to feel better. Breakups are traumatic!
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Permalink Reply by Benny on -
The last response by Hollie is the one I agree with the most. He needs space. But needing space is an often misunderstood phenomenon. I think that we all hear "I need space" as "I love you but I'm going to drop out for a while and I'll be right back." And we often think of ourselves as being charitable and nice by "giving" space.
The fact is, this guy seems to need a lot of space, and the best way to respond is not for your friend to give it to him, but to give it to herself.
Basically, I don't think he's necessarily an asshole. If he can't stop smoking weed, that doesn't mean he has an addiction. If anything, it's the opposite. Smoking weed is something that, for many people, is so casual that it is as weird to stop doing it as it would be to stop drinking. For people whose lives are truly going downhill on account of smoking too much weed, it may actually be psychologically *easier* to stop. But for someone who doesn't have a problem or doesn't feel like they have a problem, to go for a few days or weeks without smoking and then get the chance to do it again but think "Oh shit, I told that person I wouldn't do it," would be a really jarring feeling.
Hmm... More I think about it, I'm realizing how quickly it went. I'm going to assume that these people aren't stupid, so it must be a really good connection.
In either case, I think that she needs to give herself space. She needs to get herself to a place where, if he comes back, she'll be happy, but she won't have been patiently waiting for it.
Shameless plug... Can you re-write this question as a comment on my blog How to Deal With a Nice Guy? I really like your question and I'd really like to say more about it. And I'd like to do it on my advice blog.
But basically, the gyst of it I have told you here. Don't hate him, but try to give herself space. Oh- and think about the transitional phase that you're in, and how in many ways the situation is a result of circumstances. Thinking about that has made a lot of situations easier for me to deal with. It makes you feel less bad about "fucking up" or "choosing the wrong person" and it also reminds you of the bigger picture, ie that life and love are going to go on for so much longer than we can even imagine right now.
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Permalink Reply by Rachel Finlayson on -
Something I've noticed that is huge with some men is that they are terrified when they think they are losing their independence or when a woman tells them they should not do something they did before the relationship (ie play video games). While externally he may have made it seem like the pot was the important part inside he may have been feeling like she was asking him to be something he's not... a person she wants him to be.
It is almost always a mistake to start a relationship with someone if you think "they would be perfect if only they would..." because its not fair to ask someone to change who they are to be with you. Even if he was the one who said he wanted to quit.... everyone has the right to change their mind, and you have to be ready for it.
I know how fast a relationship can become serious but it honestly was probably too much too fast and she probably pushed him too far. If he was feeling overwhelmed already he probably just used this as an out.
Tell your friend to hold out for someone who is already the kind of guy she wants to be with.
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Permalink Reply by Benny on
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I guess I've seen people change more than common wisdom would suggest. But at the same time, a complete overhaul of a personality is tough. I think that if a guy smokes all the time, you can get him to smoke less, especially if he sees how upset it makes you. But to get him to stop completely - and within two months - is different.
When it comes to making changes, I agree that it's more about the idea of someone wanting to invade your privacy than about the actual change.
Also, I'd say that, while you can't change a person, you can get them to compromise much more easily. As in, Don't stop smoking, but don't ever do it on nights when we're going to hang out.
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Permalink Reply by Mademoiselle Hautemess on -
He's just young. Getting a 22 year old boy to commit is like nailing jello to the wall...
Undoubtedly, he will miss her. But she has to recognize that IF he does come back...it may not be genuine. I have seen guys do this before...step away, give it time, get lonely, and go back thinking they can 'start over' with a fresh start- but the immaturity is still there so he will run in another couple months....in my very humble opinion.
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