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healing after a breakup

I broke up with _____ about two months ago now. Why do I randomly still feel pain and sorrow towards this split??

My questions to all you lovely writers and opinionated 20 year old are these:

RECALL: Your hardest or most memorable break up (open to STRICTLY FRIENDSHIPS or DATING RELATIONSHIPS AS WELL)

RECALL: WHAT helped you get through the difficult time (OR WHAT MADE THE TIME LESS DIFFICULT?)

And how do you handle the struggle of dumping/being dumped?

And how long did it take for you to stop thinking about this particular individual??

I don't expect anyone to answer ALL of these questions btw. They're just some starting points and I know your all intelligent enough to catch the theme of this discussion and run hard with it.

I think I really just need encouragement and to escape through the stories of others. lol I can admit this is purely a selfish post.

Nonetheless PLEASE RESPOND :)~!!!

http://savedthrulove.blogspot.com

check out my blog to get some insight on the relationship and where I am with everything :)

&hearts;cheche

Tags: GOD, breaking, faith, heal, healing, heartache, heartbreak, how, in, relationships, More…struggling, to, up, with

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Permalink Reply by Chetreanna White on August 30, 2010 at 3:10am

im always looking for amazing blogs by females particularly! so make sure you leave your blog address so I can check you out and find some new great reads :)!

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Permalink Reply by filleosophy on August 30, 2010 at 4:09am

Things that help heal:

- Alcohol
- Friends who have been there
- Cutting off all lines of communication with him/her
- Doing that thing you've always wanted to do, like traveling by yourself, chopping off your hair, going skydiving, or taking a dance class

In any case, feelings after a break-up are a process -- love will become hate and hate will become indifference. But only with time.

I hope you feel better soon.

And since you asked, my blog is Filleosophy.

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Permalink Reply by Philly Girl on August 30, 2010 at 8:40am

I broke up with a long term boyfriend about 6 months ago. For a little while after I felt as if my world had been turned upside down. I was so uneasy and upset and felt like i was going crazy and didn't really understand why. Honestly I didn't do much to try to get through it. I spoke to my friends about it and just allowed time to heal me. I'm much better and happier now. I wish you luck on getting through this! You can definitely do it...and will be much happier when you do!

www.confessionsofaphillygirl.blogspot.com

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Permalink Reply by dhpotter on August 30, 2010 at 9:39am

I am currently going through the most difficult break up of my life. I've been in love twice. The first time being in high school with my now best friend who came out to me as gay at the end of our relationship. That one was hard to get over but it was the best way for me to come to a true understanding of gay people, which I was wrong about before. It was great because I didn't have to "fall out of love" but rather turn my romantic feelings into friend feelings, and since I got to keep him in my life it was good. There was so much pain, but it was a great learning experience, and I know a huge part of who I am now is because of him.

The next time I fell in love: now! I was dating a boy for a little over a year. And in reality I used to call him my future husband. I called him that since I was 17, and because we didn't start dating till I was 20 I had all these expectations, and he surpassed every one of them. What’s hard about this break up is that it really isn't final. He not only wants to be my friend, but he wants us to work on our relationship problems apart because he wants to fall back in love someday after we've had time to work on ourselves and get back to who we were. We were both swept up by the glitter of falling in love, and we let a lot of other parts in our life slip by.

I know in my mind that the best way for me to become the girl he fell in love with is to fall out of love with him and become the awesome version of myself I'm proud to be. That hard part of that is are you really able to fall out of love with "the one" and how are you supposed to know who "the one" is? And is there really even a "one"?

How I've decided to go about this is I've told him he wasn't allowed to touch me... however strange that sounds. But he is a huggy guy and he loves to cuddle, and since I’m madly in love with him it makes it hard for me to separate him in my mind from my "lover" (gag) to just my friend. And he was mopey at first, and sad because he likes physical contact, he likes when I rub his head and scratch his back. But I don't do those things for everyone, I really only do them for him. So I need to stop, and I need his help. This was, after all, his decision.

As for advice, when I broke up with guys who I just knew I was wrong for it was hard even if I didn't have feelings for them because I missed someone being there. Sleeping alone is lonely. Eating alone sucks. But you'll get to the point where you wake up and think, "Hey, I can do whatever I want, I can eat what I want, watch what I want, go to bed when I want and I can have every pillow and blanket. I can shower alone and shave without that awkward feeling of him watching me or surprising me by coming in, I can poop when I have to, I can get a pat if I want to" It becomes all about the things you were missing and not about the things you miss. That's a nice feeling. And it takes time, and it takes space. You can't get over someone who doesn't leave. Being single has a lot of advantages. You just have to look at it from a different point of view.

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Permalink Reply by dhpotter on August 30, 2010 at 10:02am

I said pat... I meant pet! You can get a cat and who cares if boys don't like cats.

Also, somewhat of a spectacle is where I write. :)

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Permalink Reply by PYT on August 30, 2010 at 9:51am

Having just gone through this here is what I can tell you....

Completely end ALL communication...this means delete him from your phone, ALL your buddy lists (gchat, aim, yahoo, etc), and delete him (and his friends) on facebook...keeping any of these connections will only tempt you to stalk him, his friends, etc and will eventually only lead to you making yourself crazy. Trust me...been there done that...its not healthy. You shouldn't WANT to know and definitely do not NEED to know what your ex is up to now that your not together. If he tries to contact you just ignore him...if he has any of your things that you want back, make him mail them to you. The only way to really move on and get him out of your head is to just purge your life of him.

Aside from that...dance your ass off, have a few glasses of wine/beer/drink of choice, and just surround yourself with really good friends. Friends are the best support you have...so skip the ice cream because it'll only make you feel guilty...and go out with your girls. Also, any frustration you have go work it out in the gym...this way your blowing off steam & making yourself seriously HOT.

just so you know this advice comes from serious experience...I had a whirlwind relationship with my ex and we broke up and got back together about 4 times over 4yrs...every single time I swore I was cutting off communication and blocking him yet never did...finally this last time was the last straw...I blocked him from everything...however, I never deleted him off facebook (him and all his friends were blocked from seeing my page but I wasn't blocked from theirs) and last night in an attempt to rid myself of boredom I totally stalked his page and guess what, I think I found out the hard way he is seeing someone else. It stung like a b*tch!!! So, what did I do? I immediately deleted him and all his friends because clearly keeping that connection is serving no purpose in my life. Its like a tremendous weight was lifted off my shoulders...I slightly freaked as I was about to hit delete but then I just did it and it felt great!

So smile pretty girl...your a rockstar & your going to get through this

http://daterview.blogspot.com/

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Permalink Reply by Benny on August 30, 2010 at 10:24am

Cutting off all ties is indeed the solution. It seems immature and excessive, but the fact is, breakups make us feel immature and excessive, if the person meant anything at all to us.

Once, someone broke up with me and left me feeling like maybe it wouldn't be so bad- like maybe all I needed to do was not hang out with her for a few weeks and then it would be OK. And I felt like I was getting there. I felt like I was ready to date other people, ready to start seeing her as a friend... and then she started contacting me and in so many words she told me she was disappointed in me for how hard I was taking the breakup. Then she started railing on me for things I did while we were together. I tried to restore some sort of positive relationship between the two of us. It ended with me blocking her on Facebook and cutting all ties.

If you have a lot of pictures of the person, it's best to either throw them out or put them in a box or a filing cabinet. Somewhere that suggests to you "these are not part of my life." Throwing them away will suggest to you that you can truly delete this person from your life, which you really can't do. So that's why I think that putting them into a box is best.

In any case, staying friends with someone on Facebook is like keeping their picture on your wall. But sometimes you need to go farther and block her/him. I blocked my last ex because she always commented on friends of mine's posts, she had loose privacy settings that allowed you to see her profile pics album without being friends with her, and she once admitted that she puts up sexy profile pics to make ex-boyfriends miss her. In her case, even being friends with her on Facebook made me feel like I had her pictures up on my wall. My life improved greatly when I blocked her. It's a tough thing to do because it means admitting how much the person meant to you. But it's worth it.

So, eliminating evidence of the person in a cold, undramatic fashion helps. It also helps to remind yourself of all the things that you can do with or without that person. You'd always be surprised at how much there really is to do and how little of it you did when you were in the relationship. Some people take that to mean that relationships are bad for you. That's not true. It's just a fact: there is indeed so much more to do in this world than love somebody, and, when you're trying not to love somebody, there is a pretty good supply of things to do.

You'll get more of this at one of my blogs, which is actually an advice-based blog: www.Howtodealwithaniceguy.com

And for kicks, I'll post my other one, too. www.Youngurbanamateur.com

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Permalink Reply by Tudor Rose on August 30, 2010 at 10:58am

My ex and I were friends for four years before we started dating (we were together for two years), so after he broke up with me we tried to stay friends. That made it so much harder, because he had a new live-in girlfriend within two months and I could barely get myself out of bed most mornings, so having to hear about him talk about her broke my heart all over again. So as painful as it was, I stopped all communication, although I admit I did still stalk his blog and twitter for awhile after that. Finally I had a heart to heart with myself and said I can't do it anymore and I forced myself to no longer read his blog or tweets or any of that. Cutting off that communication helped, and I also used my blog and journal to vent. To get all those ugly sad feelings out of me. Plus, of course, having friends who love and support me was helpful, too. (Although I'm sure I got annoying at times, talking about the breakup all the time, haha)

The break-up was over a year ago, and sometimes it's still difficult, and some days I still have moments where I want to call or email my best friend. But I can't and I don't. I still feel sad and very angry sometimes about shit that happened, but it gets better every day. Just recently I was reading old posts from a year ago and it's amazing to me how far I've come in the past year. Just takes time.

You can read about some of what I went through on my blog tales of a librarian, under the label "on the end"

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Permalink Reply by PYT on August 30, 2010 at 11:17am

BTW - I forgot to mention....you should totally read "Its Called a Breakup Because its Broken"...I read it after someone recommended it to me around the 3rd time my ex and I broke up....it was the best thing that I've ever read. You will feel like a new person after reading it...and I mean that sincerely. Its by the same author of Hes Just Not that into You and his wife...trust me, check this book out :)

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Permalink Reply by k-money on August 30, 2010 at 11:48am

I agree with what people have said about severing all contact. You really do feel like an idiot if you end up drunk texting him & he doesn't respond.

I watched all 11 seasons of Law & Order: SVU after I broke up with my boyfriend (he was cheating on me with at least 4 other girls....jerk!!) I watched them while I should have been doing homework (NOT a good idea). But it proved to me that there are more pervy men in the world than said ex-boyfriend.

The best moment for me was attending a pre-wedding bar party (people have different names for these things in different places, so I'm not even going to attempt it) that I knew he was going to be attending. I made myself look super hot, and surrounded myself with gorgeous girlfriends who kept inching closer to him as we were dancing, to make him jealous. I almost ran into him as I was ordering a beer (he was standing at the counter next to me) but right at that moment, one of my good looking guy friends (whom the ex had never met) came over and gave me a hug and started chatting with me. Yes, this all sounds superficial, but it made me feel good about myself (especially because my friends said that he kept watching me). Ahhhh, best moment ever.