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how do you deal with living with your parents?
8 months ago, I moved to another state to live with my Dad. He promised my husband & I jobs at his credit union. He offered to help me pay for college and promised that it would be rent free.
Now that I am here, there are no jobs for us and he is demanding rent. I initially didn't mind paying him a few hundred dollars a month to cover our share of the utilities & a little extra just for the bother. Last month I quit my job due to a harassment case that was not handled. [the guy followed me home & everything]. Work was unbearable so I had no choice but to quit. Now that I am without a job and unable to pay him any money, my dad is refusing to buy groceries, even though I am looking for a new job and keeping the house spotless. He accuses me & my husband of being lazy and playing games all day, which we don't at all because we are constantly looking for jobs.
I am at a loss. I don't know how to deal with him anymore. I am already on meds to keep me sane and he still drives me nuts. The killer part is that he makes upwards of $100,000 a year and he acts like he has no money at all. I've seen his tax returns and snuck a peak at his bank statement. He is straight up lying to my face and I don't know how to handle it anymore.
What do you think? How do you guys deal with your parents?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Lexi on -
Sounds like you're living with my dad. I spent the past year living with him while trying to get back on my feet after leaving my ex-husband. Between the two of them, my life felt like a living hell. Heck, it still does sometimes. He demanded rent and I demanded that he step up and actually act like a father- since he'd been incapable of doing it all the rest of my life and left my mother and grandmother to always pick up the pieces. We fought constantly. There was always something I was doing wrong. Even though I'm working full time, I was supposed to cook and clean for him every day. I was basically supposed to be at his beck and call. I was supposed to make whatever I could out of the shit he called groceries. (he's a junkfood addict. I usually ended up having to throw away half of his overwhelming amount of out of date junkfood and spend most of my paycheck on getting decent groceries to actually cook with.) Our fights were all out screaming wars with each other that usually ended up with me slamming the door in his face while driving down to the store to buy a case of beer to drown my anger in. (he doesn't drink much so it was insult to injury for him to see me down a case of beer to spite him.) After a while, I just got to the point where I would come home, hang out in the living room until near the time he was off work, then I'd retreat to my room and stay there the rest of the night. the BF kind of semi-moved in too... my dad was against it at first, but then realized that I was a lot calmer with BF around and BF could help him do things around the house that I couldn't.
I'm at a point now where I'm completely struggling financially. I was struggling before, but I wasn't as balls to the wall as I am now. He pretty much kicked me out in November, but sweetened the deal by saying he'd pay for my car insurance & maintenance as well as $350 towards my monthly rent just so long as I was out. It's not a bad deal, but there's a lot of other things I needed to get sorted out before I moved out- like i needed to get therapy to deal with the emotional trauma my ex caused me, i need to get glasses (which I can't afford), a better job w/ health insurance, etc. I would've moved out when I was ready to because I didn't want to be there anymore than he wanted me there but now I can't even begin to afford those things. When I agreed to his deal, i made him put it all in writing and we each have a copy so there is no misunderstanding of what it entails and he can't go back on his word. Anything he chooses to do outside of the contract is his choice, but he's bound to the things he offered me originally.
I have to just keep telling myself that things will get better... eventually, they'll all work out in the end.
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Permalink Reply by Erika on -
i appreciate you responding. Our situations sound so similar. I can't wait to get out of this situation, but I know my dad would never hand out money to me at all. We're ebaying our things so we can afford our car insurance & phone bill, but yet he expects me to run out and get groceries. He has pretty much bullied me into applying for food stamps so I can buy groceries for the whole family.
I wish that we could repair our relationship but he has no idea how to even act like a father. He manages people at work and then he comes home and tries to manage me. I can't stand it.
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Permalink Reply by Lexi on
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my dad's just a miserable old bag that's pushed everyone away from him. No one wants to be around him, no one wants to deal with him, and people only put up with him because he's good at his jobs and he doesn't go out of his way to be involved in anything. When he realized I was being completely honest in telling him that I would NEVER speak to him again when I got back on my feet, he freaked out and started doing everything he could to help me. I'm the only person he really has left who would still help him if he needed it. My sister would leave him high and dry- she's only interested when he's offering her something. He's been divorced 3 times and he's estranged from his family and he only has one friend that he speaks to regularly. it's playing a dirty card, but it worked to gain his respect.
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Permalink Reply by Sara Nipples on -
Oh my God! Those sound like some of the fights me and my fiancee had when we first moved in together. And you don't even get to have sex afterwards! What a waste of a fight!! :(
Makes me like my parents a bit more...
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Permalink Reply by Lexi on
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lmao. my dad and i have spent 20-odd years at each other's throats. Everything I say or do is wrong and in turn, I've learned that everything he says or does is wrong. I've called the cops on him, he's turned the story around to have them arrest me, the stress of the two of us even near each other would make my mother continuously sick, and when she finally left him, everything I did was commented on with a "good god, you're just like your mother." Well yeah... she's my mother. I have picked up some of her traits and mannerisms throughout the years! And every time he'd start on me about how I wasn't good enough or couldn't do this or that right, I'd just snarl back at him that not everyone can be as good as my sister, and he's made it pretty well known that she's his favourite & why'd he ever bother walking out on her and her mom when he obviously thinks they're the greatest things ever which would shut him up pretty quick.
Its okay though. we have an understanding now. You stay out of my way and don't expect anything from me and I'll do the same then we can almost be nice to each other. Instead of the makeup sex, he offers to take me out for dinner or buys me groceries and furniture. It works now. lol.
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Permalink Reply by Sami Hubbard on -
I hide in my room and I have a huge count down for when I move back to school!
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Permalink Reply by Leelee Writes on -
I secretly plan my escape... I mean move out lol.
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Permalink Reply by little m on -
I think it is unfair that he proposed a certain arrangement and then proceeded to change the terms. Unfortunately it was a verbal agreement and not in writing.
I suggest (if at all possible) you have a sit down discussion about what his expectations are. If he had been clear from the onset that he would allow you to live there for rent etc then this wouldn't be an issue, however that was not the case.
I also strongly suggest getting a job --any job-- for the interim and start researching places in the country where you will be able to find work & affordable living.
A friend of mine was in the exact situation, she & her boyfriend moved in with her bf's father because they were both university students & couldn't afford to pay 1300$/month rent for a shared bachelor, the bf's father offered for them to come stay, rent free! However about a month after they moved in he started demanding that they pay rent, buy the household groceries, and do all the cleaning in the household if they wanted to stay there. This went on for about 6 months.
They bought a condo and GTFO.
Now, I'm not saying "go buy a condo!" certainly not, but you need to find a situation that works for you, and this certainly is not it. If you cannot come to a reasonable understanding with your father, then you have 2 options, deal with it or move out.
How I deal with my parents? I became financially independent @16 & moved out when I was 18, never looked back.
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Permalink Reply by Sarah on -
Aw, that sounds like a really awful situation. I agree that you need to sit down and talk about what the expectations are on both sides if you are going to try to continue to live there.
One thing I'm confused about is why you think it is relevant that your dad has plenty of money. My parents live comfortably and we have a great relationship but I would definitely expect to pay at least some amount of rent if I asked to live in their home with them as an adult. I don't think it's fair to expect them to support me indefinitely.
That said, your dad definitely should not have promised to let you live rent free if he didn't intend to follow through. Have you been able to sit down with him and explain calmly what you thought the terms of your living with him would be and ask him what his expectations were and what changed?
If that's impossible, I'd say the two of you should just grab any jobs at all temporarily until you've got enough for first and last and hunker down to do some serious saving while living in your own apartment.
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Permalink Reply by Erika on
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i didn't really elaborate on the money issue very much. its just that he tells me he cant pay any bills or the house payment and expects me to pick up the slack. don't get me wrong, i don't want to sound like a selfish brat here. I literally quit my job 2 weeks ago and have been paying him without complaint since I moved in.
Now he acts like it is just the end of the world because i quit without a backup plan. I admit, it was stupid but I was freaked out & on anti psychotics that were not agreeing with me.
I'm trying really hard to make up for the loss of income to him. He just acts like im not putting any effort in when I am. I just needed to vent about him & I can't blog about it because he reads it. :/
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Permalink Reply by Mel Sherman on -
I know this sounds easier than it really is, but make it your full-time job to look for a full-time job. Just so that you can get the hell out of there. Is your husband looking for another job? Both of you should eat, sleep, drink the process of job searching. When I was looking for a job, all I did was apply--all day long. I always have a job.
About living with my parents...Living with my dad is really annoying. He's Liberian (I dunno if anyone else on here is, but that explains a lot of things), he is stingy (within reason, but it gets annoying), and he's a typical dad where he wants me to move out but once I start planning to leave he gets sad and wants me to stay home. -____- I am leaving though. Once my TA job is over this winter session, I'm gone.
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