The Bloggers With The Most To Say
How Do You Mourn?
And yes, I know what a horrible topic this is. But I need help.
I've lost loved ones before but I usually had some warning, some indication or at least some time to prepare.
My cousin passed away yesterday very suddenly, she was only 20.
I don't feel right doing things that make me smile, it seems unfair, cruel. But I don't know how to mourn this.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Heather on -
First, I am so sorry for your loss. I know that you hear it a lot, and after awhile the words seem to lose meaning, but a year ago I lost my uncle suddenly so I can empathize with what you're feeling. As far as mourning, the part that stinks is that everyone mourns a little differently. For me, I was the 'hold it together' relative at the funeral and for the week that followed and I did my mourning in private. Sometimes I would find a quiet place and just sit and listen to the quiet. I found a lot of comfort in reading scripture. There were some songs that reminded me of him, his death and I would listen to those and shed some tears. Music is often my therapy in life. :)
By losing him so quickly I realized how important every minute of life is. And while it seemed unfair to do things that made me smile, I knew that he would not want to me be sad. So I would say, take some time to be sad. To soak in what has happened. Let yourself be upset, mad, devastated... whatever it is you're feeling. And then try to start remembering the good. Start to look for the things that make you happy, make you smile. This is a big part of my blog, finding happiness and living life. Maybe for you it will help to write about it, even if you don't share that with anyone else. The pain will never go away. But eventually it won't feel quite so bad to smile.
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Permalink Reply by Holly Renee on -
I am sorry for your loss. I remember when my brother passed away I felt completely scared (I wrote a little about it and I don't know if this post might help). My family would continue to talk, laugh, and cry (what else can you do), and I would think, "It this what we are doing now, is this how manage." And, yes, that is how you get through. You express your emotions, and sit with them. You feel whatever you are feeling, both happy and sad. It's okay to laugh, and it's okay to cry.
One thing I would recommend, and I really wish I had done after my brother's passing (although I was very young), is seeing a therapist. Even if only for a few sessions. Mourning and grief are serious things and we often don't know how to properly deal with them in this society.
Again, I am so sorry for you loss and you are in my thoughts. Just know that other people have been through this and it will be okay. You are not alone and it will start to feel better.
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Permalink Reply by RAY J on -
Awww I'm so sorry to hear that!
I don't really mourn much on the outside, like physically. I've never cried at a funeral... I feel sad on the inside, but I just can't really express it outwardly.
Granted, I haven't really had anyone that close to me die yet though - my great-grandma died like 10 years ago, but I saw her maybe once a year as we live in Illinois and she lived with the rest of the family in Pennsylvania so I wasn't really that close to her. It was sad she died, but she was pretty old and I knew it was her time to go.
My high school sweetheart, I went with him to his grandpa's funeral - he cried, I was his support, holding him and letting him cry on my shoulder. I had met his grandpa a few times and I recall it was kind of sudden... again, it was sad, but I didn't really know him that well.
My grandma died the night before my wedding. She had a lot of health issues though - both physically and mentally - so I had kinda said goodbye to her years prior. We were on our honeymoon out west when they had her funeral that week out east. I didn't really cry though as I had kinda considered her gone years ago - she hadn't been in my life for a good 2-3 years.
I also attended the funeral of a teacher last winter - she was a good teacher, I had her for several classes in high school and she was in the same community theater group my sister is in so my mom and sis got to know her pretty well too. It was sad, but I didn't get teary-eyed or anything - she had been battling cancer for the last few years, we were more surprised she fought it as long as she did - she kept teaching up until she couldn't anymore, which was about 9 months prior to her death. A lot of her former students and faculty came to the funeral though - I went on behalf of my family since they had prior obligations that day but wanted to be there.
I'm sure if it was one of my parents, or my sis or hubby I'd probably be bawling my eyes out though if I'm not in a state of shock...
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Permalink Reply by Shayna on -
I wish I had something profound to share with you --- having lost most of the people I loved, and who loved me entirely, I can just say that it sucks (which you know), but time moves forward, and even though it will never be gone, time will move you away from the pain bit by bit so you can rejoin the world - and remember that your cousin would want that for you. There are so many things that I do now not only for me, but for those who loved me, and are gone. In the best moments of my life, in my triumphs - when I closed on my first house, graduated with my master's degree, got a promotion, etc. - I feel them with me, and know that their love gave me the confidence that I have in myself, and that I am a better person for having had them in my life, and am grateful for their love, which softens the sadness that I cannot call them to tell them about my successes.
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Permalink Reply by Tiffany on -
I’m so sorry for your loss, please know that we are all thinking about you and sending positive thoughts and hugs your way.
I lost an aunt to a drunk driver and my grandpa to suicide...I know it's not the same as losing someone as young as your cousin, but I totally get the whole sudden loss thing. I didn't really pull off mourning well with my aunt, I was 13 and just sort of pretended it never happened. While I loved her, losing my grandpa this past July literally flipped my world upside down and inside out. The others that replied before me have given some great advice. Grief/mourning really is different for everyone and it freaking sucks. The best advice I can give you is to be good to yourself and do what feels right…eat what feels good (even if it isn’t healthy), feel what you need to feel, go out (or turn down offers to go out if you don’t feel up to it), etc. Another thing…inevitably people are going to tell you to call if you need anything. As weird as it may sound, take them up on the offer, and let them know what they can do to be helpful—most people really mean it, but feel freaked out and helpless. Somebody else already said this, but I really, really recommend counseling or therapy. At first it seems sort of weird, but I went almost every week for a good eight-ish months or so…and to be honest, I looked forward to my sessions because they gave me a chance to explode, cry, and just dump it all out; going totally helped me keep it together all the other days of the week. If one-on-one stuff is too expensive or weirds you out, support groups that are specific to your loss or just grief support groups in general can be really helpful. Having someone there that really “gets it” helps a lot—I regularly talked with the facilitator of a suicide survivor support group (the group in my area wasn’t large by any means) and with another survivor. People going through grief/mourning, or who have been through a loss specific to your own also tend to tactfully check in on you (through phone, e-mail, etc.) and were, at least for me, a reminder and a ray of sunshine in the moments where it felt like everyone else had forgotten about my situation. Books on grief and loss are helpful too. Other things that I did and found helpful: talking out loud to the person, writing letters, walking, crying alone in a “safe” place, and buying little things (like jewelry or decorations) that reminded me of my grandpa or helped me remember to breathe, so to speak.
Sorry this was a whole bunch of jibberish! Feel free to message or e-mail me if I can be of any help…
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Permalink Reply by Peppers on -
Oh no, that is horrible. I am so sorry. :( I feel for you. I wish I had some good grieving advice to give you, but I'm not so good at it either. I read your blog post... was it that she had cancer and just didn't know about it? Your poor family... the death of a young one especially is so difficult to understand and accept. I would definitely go to therapy either with your family or just yourself, whatever makes more sense to you. The most important thing is to make sure everyone is there for each other in your family... especially for your cousins parents. When my dad died, my whole family took turns sleeping over and bringing us dinner and financially helping, because my mom was just too weak to do anything. I think if you reach out and help whoever you can with the situation, it might make you feel a little bit better in turn. Ugh that's rough though. If my cousin died I would be devastated too. And writing helps too I think, so don't be afraid to spill out your feelings on paper.
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Permalink Reply by Oats on -
I'm sorry for your loss. I had an uncle that passed about a year ago...he went to bed and never woke. He was only 50.
Anyway, I agree with the above suggestion of seeing a therapist for grief counseling. Sometimes when someone dies, we get depressed and sob and cry and find it hard to get past the fact that they are going. Other times we go on living our lives like nothing has happened, but you just know in the back of your head that it has... These are both ways that people grieve.
For me, I am usually the latter. In fact I was joking with some of my cousins at the wake, but as soon as I was in front of the body, my eyes teared up and I felt sadness. And especially when I talked to my aunt who was merely devastated. But after that I was a little choked up for a while but then back to my normal self.
Don't hold back your emotions because you think you're supposed to be acting differently. Just go through the process as it comes. You will eventually come to terms with the loss and mourn it then.
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Permalink Reply by Angela Marie Minicuci on -
Everyone, I hope you all know how much I appreciate the support and words of advice.
It may seem strange, but just hearing your words will help me cope- it's nice to be reminded that I'm not alone in this.
As for what happened... let me start by saying that she was one of the most unique and beautiful people I have ever known. She had suffered from depression a few years back then was diagnosed with cancer a couple years later. Since then, she has beaten cancer and seen nothing by joy in her life. Couple all that she has been through with the fact that she had fibromyalgia... she was constantly in pain. Doctors gave her a lot of medication, and I mean a lot. Over the years, our family thinks she became addicted to pain medication and began getting more illegally. I know what you're thinking, how could we not know? how could someone become addicted and there be no signs? Well you know how people say don't assume, it could happen to anyone- well I'm living proof that it can. My cousin was not suicidal, she loved her life and cherished it especially after having beaten cancer- she just had a problem that over the years, she became good at hiding. Eventually, the medication built up in her body and her organs failed. It was not an overdose, her body just gave out.
I think maybe that;s why this is especially difficult. Her passing is filled with so many what-ifs and could have beens, that it seems especially unfair..
But if you come away from this with anything, please believe me when I say she was happy. She was loved, and she loved back in ten fold. I do not want to insult her memory- please take my advice and do not assume. Addiction can happen to anyone, even those you least expect it from. So please watch your loved ones- look for signs, don't assume.
Thank you again for all of your kind words. I love that 20SB is a place I can go in a time of need and find so much support.
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Permalink Reply by Peppers on
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I totally understand. You're right-- addiction can happen to anyone and it DOES happen to a lot of people and some you'd never even expect! What a shame that she beat cancer and then that had to happen. I'm glad the thread made you feel a little better. 20sb is always there for me too :)
Hang in there.
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Permalink Reply by TanyaGoncalves on -
I am really sorry to hear this. When my grandfather pasted away very suddenly (he was my best friend, and died of cancer). I became very quiet, very harmful to myself. I started cutting and started developing an eating disorder. After visiting his burial, and literally having conversations with 'him' I learned that he never wanted me to do this. He always wanted me to live my life to th efullest, not only for him, but for me as a person. I had to maintain this all inside because to be honest, I am the eldest out of all my cousins, and had to hold my tears in for the sake of them.
After my conversations with my grandfather, (which I have every night- as he is my guardian angel), I started to write more. Stories, and poems, started reading, and then finally became myself, again, because I was able to let go. This took me a full year, however, for everyone it does vary. Start reading, start writing, get yourself busy, and think of all the great memories, and how you are going to live your life to the fullest with the people you have living with you. Create a list of what you want to do in life and start working on it. We never know what tomorrow will bring.
However, at family gatherings, now we always leave an extra chair for my grandfather, as he was number 1 in alot of our hearts. He pasted away, 5 years ago. Hope this helps.
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Permalink Reply by Lizzie on -
This is a subject very close to my heart, so I can only use personal experience which may or may not be of use to you :) But first I'll echo what everyone else said and say how truly sorry I am. My closest friend was killed last year and she was 19. When I found out I went into complete shock and then just cried, and cried, and cried. It was the type of tears that never seem to stop, the ones which bring pain you can't see a way out of. And then I rang a friend of mine, who was aware of the situation, and had met this girl - and she brought me comfort. She made me laugh about times we'd spent with her, and also allowed me to cry and explain how I felt.
After about a week passed I was coping better but you will always have those moments when it hits you and everything crumbles once more. I found myself talking to an unknown being, asking them why, and how they could take this person away from me so suddenly. Your body is not meant to deal with sudden loss, so you have to learn on the spot. Her funeral brought a lot of closure for me - I lived with her for a year, and seeing all of my other housemates brought some comfort. We'd all shared joy and happiness with her, and we know that we'll always have each other should we ever need reminding of the good times.
All I can say is that it will get easier. Not right now, it's too raw right now. But smile, if you want to laugh then do it. Don't hold it in, it doesn't make you a bad person - not at all. We all deal with things in certain ways, and I laughed a lot at the time too. Sometimes it's just so unbelievable you can't not laugh, you know? Having said that, don't hold back the tears either. Cry, cry, cry as much as you possibly can because it's a relief once it's over. At the time you'll feel like your world is upside down, but once the crying is over you'll have a clearer head.
I hope this helps in some way; I just know exactly how you feel and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. It's the most heartbreaking feeling in the world, so if you ever need to let any of it out just message me - I don't know you, and I don't know your cousin, but I know how you feel. :)
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