So Recently my Boyfriend and I have been discussing moving in together. Now neither of us are in a rush, and my lease doesn't expire until February. But it got me wondering: how soon is too soon to move in together?
Now I firmly believe you shouldn't move in before 6 month together and that a year is probably a better idea (and even then the thought of all the crap I won't be able to do when we live together made me write this blog post). But I've known people who were engaged after 6 months and moved in together after 3 weeks of dating.
So I'm asking the crowd: When do you think is the appropriate time to move in with a significant other?
I think, as long as you are totally comfortable with the idea of sharing your entire living space with that person... You're all set. For some people that's right away, for others it could take a while. If you are aware of their style of living, their habits, and accept the good, the bad and the ugly... Go for it!
My Husband and I were together for three years before moving in together. When we moved in together we knew all of each others strange little quirks, and we accepted them.
One of my friends once moved in with a boyfriend after a year, and things got super weird. He wanted her to move in, but when she finally did he was strange about her coming into his space and changing things, adding things to the space yadda yadda... She didn't feel the space was equally hers because he was there first, and it all went down hill from there... I think if you can start fresh with a new place together, that's a plus!
I definitely agree with that last sentence!
I'm a terrible person to talk to about this subject- my husband & I were married for over a year before we lived together :-p (he was in the military, it wasn't all by choice)
That being said, I would suggest a "practice" period. Stay with each other for a week or so (needs to be longer than a weekend), maybe even do a week together at your place then a week together at his so you can start to see the little quirks that people have (my husband & I had been together over 4 years and trust me, there were lots of little things I never noticed until he was there ALL THE TIME).
And talk about what you expect- are you a morning person? Is he? Do you eat dinner at a specific time? Do you need the TV on at night or total darkness/quiet? How will you divide chores? And what about bills- will each person pay specific bills or will you split everything down the middle? Are there certain shows you need him to leave you alone while you watch?
Hilarious you mentioned the TV thing, that was a problem with us for a while, thankfully not anymore.
Growing up in his family home, it was totally acceptable to fall asleep watching TV on the couch EVERY NIGHT... So, when we moved in together I noticed that he REALLY wanted a TV in the bedroom, and that he needed to fall asleep to a loud, bright TV screen every night. I couldn't stand this habit and it wasn't a sacrifice I was willing to make. It took lots of practice, but thankfully now he can fall asleep to silence in a dark room. YAY! Also...No TV in the bedroom equals more... You know.
That has been/still is an issue for us. I had a really terrible time sleeping while he was in Iraq and the ONLY way I could fall asleep is watching TV. It's been difficult to get out of that. Now I can fall asleep without the light but I still need the noise, so we've come up with a compromise of a white noise machine. But sometime he can't sleep so he will watch it that way he's at least there with me...it's an odd cycle.
I totally agree about the new space thing. I think that's why I am waiting till February. I don't want him to move into my place and I won't move in with him and his current roommate. I think we need a new space that isn't mine or his so to say.
I def. keep saying we need a two bedroom so that one room can be our computer(s) room with a second tv in it, so that if I want to watch Glee and he wants to watch Pawn Stars, we can both do it in piece. Also if he wants to play Diablo until 3 am, he won't be keeping me awake.
We doing the joint Christmas thing this year, so that's 5 days of each other non-stop. I figure it we can survive that, then moving in together should be easy.
I was totally of the same mindset when I moved in with my boyfriend, but we live in an expensive city and we had to choose between being more downtown in a 1BR or being uptown in a 2BR. Since we both lived on the outskirts to begin with, and part of the reason I wanted to move was to be more central, we opted for a 1BR. It's actually not nearly as bad as I thought it would be, although we do have a fairly large 1BR (650 sq feet). I definitely would love a 2BR in the future to have an "office" (computer room), but so far we've managed (for 8 months now :).
Also, I found that nothing REALLY prepares you for living together. I thought it would be a breeze - my guy used to come stay with me for a week at a time when we were in an LDR, and I spent 3-4 nights a week at his place the rest of the time (this went on for 4 years before we moved in together, so we spent a TON of time with each other)... but it was still a LOT different actually living together long term, especially as job situations, schedules, and life change. There's a whole slew of different issues, problems, and arguments that come along with cohabitation - and of course, some of your defences and appearances melt away (even after 4 years, we both still had them, but when you leave together you are 100% yourselves), but as long as you're good about communicating openly it becomes easier and you make it work.
My husband I and I were together for less than a year before we decided to get married and moved in together a month before our wedding. We lived in a tiny New York City studio and it all worked out perfectly. Two months after we were married, we moved into a house together. It really all depends on:
-how tolerant you are/or can be of someone else being in your space (like sharing a kitchen, bathroom, television, etc.) a lot of times
-how good you are with sharing chores/responsibilities
-how laid back with your 'living alone' routine being altered
I totally agree. My husband didn't live together before we got married, but the majority of our relationship was long-distance. I used to come home from teaching and make some ramen, sit on my couch, and crash for the night. It's not like that anymore. My living alone routine is completely gone, and sometimes I love it. Sometimes, not so much. It's all about being willing to change and adapt to a new situation.
This is a timely topic for me considering my boyfriend and I are planning a cross-country move in the foreseeable future! We've been together for close to four years now, so I'm definitely ready to be more than a part-time girlfriend. But it's going to be a huge transition when you add in the whole moving to an entirely different coast thing. I think the move alone will be a huge test (that I expect to pass with flying colors... or at least with colors), and living together should be easy by comparison. As long as we can afford wherever we're living. Oh boy.
That's really exciting! I think the fact that you're moving to a new, unfamiliar place will help you guys. You'll build a home base together and then you'll explore your surroundings both with each other and apart. You'll both be finding new favorite places and meeting new people, but then at the end of the day you come home to each other... Your safe, comfortable place where you just be yourselves and all things are familiar and 50% you and 50% him.
I also think it's important that you claim a space in your home. In my house we have two living rooms, one has a pool table, bar, theatre seating and a flat screen - G's man land, where we watch our shows. The other one is very girly, pinks and purples, abstract art, candles, pillows, books, budhas and a shag rug. That's where you'll find me and my girlfriends hanging out, or where I'll watch Disney or play my guitar. If you don't have a lot of space to work with, even a small art room or meditation space will do... We rarely ever hang out in seperate rooms, but it's nice to have a space that is YOURS when you need alone time! :)
That's exactly how I feel! I can't wait to have a completely new area to explore together AND separately... and then come home to a place that is both of ours. 95% of our time has been spent at his house because it's larger and, unlike me, he doesn't live with his parents (just his brother). So it will be refreshing for me (and possibly an adjustment for him, haha) to have some claim over the space.
And I totally agree about creating a space that is just yours. I think it's possible even with limited square footage, though it will certainly be a challenge. He's a musician, and although he's trying to pare down his equipment in preparation, it can't be helped that that stuff will take up some space. I hope he's able to accommodate it-- not for MY sake, but for his, because I know how important it is to him. All I need is a pretty little corner. And some creative freedom when it comes to decorating. He's been warned. ;)