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I need relationship help
I am sort of looking for some advice. My boyfriend and I live together and have been getting into a lot of dumb arguments lately. I absolutely hate arguing and being upset so I really want to find a way to smooth out the kinks in our relationship. He told me that I am mean to him, talk down to him, and talk to him like he is a piece of crap. I am glad he brought this to my attention because I didn't realize that I was hurting his feelings so much, and I really didn't notice that I even talk to him in this manner. Maybe I need to find a way to sort of "reinvent" myself? After really looking into myself and thinking a lot about it, I notice a pattern in which I get aggravated with him and snap at him. I have this inner switch that goes off when I feel anxiety coming on, and it is so unvalidated that it is ridiculous. I need to learn how to think logically maybe? For example- today he open a bill and said we owe $70 for water. I said, "Our landlord is supposed to pay the water bill!" And he calmly said, "Oh, I don't know but it came to us." And I barked out, "Well I don't know why you even opened it, we don't have to pay that!" in a very snappy, rude manner. So now I guess I really can see what is he talking about. I would absolutely hate it if someone talked to me that way all of the time. I don't understand why I am like this and I need to learn to control my blabber. When we get deep into arguments I say mean things that I totally don't mean and then feel very guilty afterward, and some of these things he never forgets What is wrong with me? Why do I act this way towards him? He is a great guy and treats me well, yet I feel the urge to constantly snap at him and talk to him like he is a little kid.
HELP ME! To whoever read this whole thing- thank you very much, and I would appreciate any advice or constructive criticism. I need to change my attitude towards him so we can both live in peace and happiness.
HELP ME! To whoever read this whole thing- thank you very much, and I would appreciate any advice or constructive criticism. I need to change my attitude towards him so we can both live in peace and happiness.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by David Stehle on -
First off, recognizing there is a problem and the problem may be you (not easy to admit) is the first step. So congrats!
So it sounds to me like you’re taking your own issues out on him, instead of trying to figure out what is going on inside of you that is causing you to be so angry.
Perhaps you are feeling overwhelmed, stressed to the max, depressed, whatever the case may be. Although instead of dealing with it on your own (recognizing and fixing what it is that is causing you to feel this way), you’re lashing out in an attempt to release your frustrations, anger, etc. Or maybe the root of your anger is that deep down you are unhappy in your relationship with him? I don’t know. But I do know this...
One of the worst things you can do to a guy is belittle him. Make a man feel less than and he will go elsewhere to feel his worth – to be appreciated, heard, understood and loved. Guys hate drama. So most men won’t put up with a lot of drama and hostility in a relationship.
Not sure if any of that help at all, but good luck to you!
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Permalink Reply by Peppers on -
Thank you for replying :) ... I'm glad you told me this. I am mad at myself for making him feel belittled. He deserves to feel proud and appreciated. I will have to really work on that and redirect my irrational anger to rational thoughts which would probably result in nice responses rather than mean ones.
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Permalink Reply by shelbie brown on -
If you guys only recently moved in together, this is completely normal. Soon enough you'll figure out how to work around each other. Otherwise, it seems like you have some pent-up aggression, or anger about something. You have to get to the root of the issue, for instance your lashing out at him about the water bill wasn't really about the water bill. It may be something that happened between you two weeks or years ago ( I don't know how long you've been together). Dig deeper, when all else fails, take a jog or a walk. That always helps me clear my mind. Best of luck!
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Permalink Reply by Akirah on -
I agree with David. It's good you recognized the problem.
I'm not sure where your issues are coming from, but I will tell you I used to do the same thing with my ex. Granted, we had many different issues, but one of them was me talking down to him. After much exploration, I realized I didn't really respect him. Respect must be present in a healthy relationship and so after I realized there wasn't much left to be done for me to respect him again, I ended it. Like I said, that wasn't our biggest issue, but it was a big one.
So I guess my question for you is this: do you respect him?
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Permalink Reply by Tameeka Marie on -
This is a very reflective post. I can totally relate, and the one thing that helped me was to take a good look at myself also.
I'm not sure if it's the same for you, but I realized that the anger I felt towards my live in boyfriend at the time had nothing to do with him but more with my past relationships. Every day I was more on the defensive waiting for the moment he would do something stupid or hurtful so I ready myself for the comeback.
Do you think it's because ur worried about ur relationship working?! I felt alot of anxiety when my bf moved in as well.
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Permalink Reply by Linda on -
So, ask yourself if there's a bigger issue that you're unhappy about with him that you're ignoring? I find a lot of my friends and myself, when we are holding some kind of resentment, whether we're conscious of it or not, it comes out as mean/nitpicks/ unfounded complaints/and overreactions.
Is there a bigger source for your "mean" outbursts?
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Permalink Reply by Peppers on
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I think all of you guys are right. I do think I need to show him more respect as a person. He's very mellow and I'm too high strung for his own good. I need to take a chill pill.
Tameeka- I think you're right. I think I may have some underlying anxiety about how our relationship will turn out since I have had bad past experiences. I find myself subconsciously comparing him to my past boyfriends, or my friend's POS boyfriends, and drawing irrational, unvalidated conclusions that he's a this or a that because of something little or dumb.
Also... I would have to say that my only underlying issue with him is the lack of attention I get from him. He is not affectionate and he always ignores me. He doesn't seem attracted to me or in love with me anymore and that gets to me. When I try to talk to him about it nicely, it always ends up in a fight that "I'm wrong and it's all in my head and I am just nuts..bla bla bla...." This has been going on since we moved in together in October :/
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Permalink Reply by David Stehle on
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If you feel he's pulling away and doesn't seem to be giving you attention or affection, it probably has a lot to do with the fact that you're belittling him. Do that to a guy long enough and he won't feel good about himself, won't feel good about you, and won't feel secure in the relationship. I don't mean to make you feel bad, but put yourself in his shoes...would you feel all warm and cuddly toward someone who did that to you? So I think his reaction is perfectly normal given the circumstances.
I don't know how long you've been dating the guy or living with him, but just based on the info you have given so far, I would say this relationship is on the verge of a breakup.
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Permalink Reply by Akirah on
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I agree with David. When someone acts "parental" in a relationship, it sucks the romance right out of it. Most men don't want to make out with their mother. And if your man does, you probably don't want to be dating him.
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Permalink Reply by Brian E on -
I actually think this is a common theme in gender relations. My mom is that way with my dad and my sister is that way with, well, a handful of people. Like David was hinting at, men won't put up with being belittled for long.
As men, I think it's very important to us to feel successful and strong, like we're worth something as David put it. I think women know about this sensitive spot and when they're frustrated or want to press our buttons, they lash out a bit, belittle us men and hit us where it hurts. It's like a form castration.
So either he'll get fed up with being caged by your belittlement or you'll turn him into a blubbering, broken, emasculate dude that you don't want. Nobody's happy.
But congrats for realizing there are problems and working to fix them. I imagine these patterns are hard to break, but every relationship takes work. Good luck.
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Permalink Reply by Lisa on -
I definitely know where you're coming from! Like everyone else has mentioned, it's great that you've noticed the issue. You could've spent years continuing with this behavior (with your current guy or continuing the cycle with other guys) before realizing that it's a problem, so good job! ;)
I read a book once that said that the purpose of every relationship (be it a romantic relationship, mother/daughter relationship, a relationship with co-workers, even the relationship you have with yourself) is to make the other person become the best person possible. So when you have angry outbursts and talk down to him, you are doing the complete opposite of helping him become the best person possible. This one little gem of wisdom that I read a few years ago has helped me a lot...it's helped to dictate how I treat a lot of people, especially my husband and myself for that matter. If you have that purpose in the forefront of your mind in every interaction with your boyfriend, then you would find new ways of communicating your concerns with him.
Sorry if I'm sounding like a self-help book! haha I just really took to that book's advice and wanted to share. :)
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