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I need relationship help
I am sort of looking for some advice. My boyfriend and I live together and have been getting into a lot of dumb arguments lately. I absolutely hate arguing and being upset so I really want to find a way to smooth out the kinks in our relationship. He told me that I am mean to him, talk down to him, and talk to him like he is a piece of crap. I am glad he brought this to my attention because I didn't realize that I was hurting his feelings so much, and I really didn't notice that I even talk to him in this manner. Maybe I need to find a way to sort of "reinvent" myself? After really looking into myself and thinking a lot about it, I notice a pattern in which I get aggravated with him and snap at him. I have this inner switch that goes off when I feel anxiety coming on, and it is so unvalidated that it is ridiculous. I need to learn how to think logically maybe? For example- today he open a bill and said we owe $70 for water. I said, "Our landlord is supposed to pay the water bill!" And he calmly said, "Oh, I don't know but it came to us." And I barked out, "Well I don't know why you even opened it, we don't have to pay that!" in a very snappy, rude manner. So now I guess I really can see what is he talking about. I would absolutely hate it if someone talked to me that way all of the time. I don't understand why I am like this and I need to learn to control my blabber. When we get deep into arguments I say mean things that I totally don't mean and then feel very guilty afterward, and some of these things he never forgets What is wrong with me? Why do I act this way towards him? He is a great guy and treats me well, yet I feel the urge to constantly snap at him and talk to him like he is a little kid.
HELP ME! To whoever read this whole thing- thank you very much, and I would appreciate any advice or constructive criticism. I need to change my attitude towards him so we can both live in peace and happiness.
HELP ME! To whoever read this whole thing- thank you very much, and I would appreciate any advice or constructive criticism. I need to change my attitude towards him so we can both live in peace and happiness.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Living with Balls on -
It sounds like maybe you see too much of each other. Perhaps living with him has unveiled some annoying habits. I think what you both need to to do is make some time for yourselves- and get away from each other from time-to-time.
I recently moved in with my fiance. We both discovered habits that annoy each other. These habits can get even more annoying if we around each other too much. Everyone needs a comfortable balance. I obviously don't know your relationships but this could be a reason.
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Permalink Reply by Polly Syllabick on -
Alright, so, like David said....you can admit you're wrong. That's half the battle.
First off, you need to sit that boy down (if you haven't already) and say, "I'm sorry. I recognize I was being a bitch. I want to change, and need your help and patience while I do. And PS: Thank you for calling me on my bullshit."
Second: Snapping at one another and venting life's little frustrations is part of learning to live together. You're LIVING TOGETHER. You don't have anywhere else to go once you're home, and most of life's major stresses release themselves in the home. It took me almost a year of living with a partner to figure this out. So you might need an outlet for stress that ISN'T your boy. Whether it's an hour of quiet time once you're home, time at the gym, a glass of wine with a friend before you go home, WHATEVER, make sure you hit the reset button before you begin bringing stress from other areas into a shared space.
Finally, and this is the hard part: You love him....but are you happy in the relationship? Mini-explosions like the ones you're talking about can be linked to the relationship itself, whether they're a manifestation of your insecurities or a reflection that something deeper about him than opening bills pisses you off. My only advice would be to sit and think....NOT STRESS...but honestly evaluate what's going on here. Love is almost enough...acceptance of one another is the rest of the puzzle.
GOOD LUCK GIRL!
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Permalink Reply by Long Lost Poet on -
The first step to changing is knowing what you need to change, so at least you've arrived at this point and hopefully in time to save your relationship if that's what you really want. I agree that you need to determine whether you truly respect your boyfriend, but more whether you can deal with the fact that you seem to feel he doesn't respect you (ie ignores you, etc.). Just because you might be able to save it doesn't mean you necessarily should.
With that in mind, I'm with Polly Syllabick on hitting the reset button in order to try and keep other stressors out of your bubble. It's far too easy to rest on the inner notion that your sig will 'love you anyway' while pushing them away with bs from outside of your relationship. Do you bottle things up? If so, they tend to pop up in dealings with those we are most comfortable with... like boyfriends.
Don't be afraid to ask him to change, too. A good relationship takes work on both parts. Good luck!
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Permalink Reply by Shannon on -
Everyone here is giving great advice. I think it sounds like maybe you need some "me" time. I know if I don't get "me" time, I tend to get cranky and snappy just like you're describing, and I do it to the people who don't deserve it. So maybe try that? Go to the bookstore, or grab a cup of coffee with a friend you don't see much. Anything that will just give you some time to do "you" and you'll see that absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Living together is a big step, and it can be stressful. Good luck!
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Permalink Reply by leilani on -
Not sure if anyone put this out there, but rarely are any relationship issues due entirely to one person. Maybe you lash out/snap because you've been conditioned to do so due to his style of communication, i.e., being very laid back and not responding unless you really make your point heard, so to speak.
Not saying that's necessarily the case, I just think it's important to consider that whilst respecting your partner and being kind is obviously important, you probably aren't the only one at fault.
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Permalink Reply by Peppers on -
Ughh thanks guy...it's good to hear it from many perspectives, especially from the few guys who responded because men have a completely different mindset on these issues. And Lisa- you're right, that was great advice, I think if I kept that in my mind at all times it would help me in my daily dealings, not just with him, but with others like my mother. And David- you're right on that that's probably the reason he isn't loving towards me these days- I guess it's my young, somewhat selfish, inexperienced self that is the problem. I actually couldn't figure out why he isn't being affectionate after I hit him where it hurts. Brian- I'm glad you brought up the point that men need to feel successful and strong. I really never thought about that. Makes a lot of sense. I don't praise him enough when I'm too busy nitpicking.
Pine nuts and vodka- that is exactly the reason and I have actually brought that up to him, he is so mellow and seemingly careless about everything and I just want to shake a response out of him, so I feel the urge to grab his attention by being a little melodramatic. I told him this and his response was that the only reason why he ignores me is because I yell at him and he blocks me out. Ughh so complicated.
I guess overall I just need to treat him how I would like to be treated at all times and hopefully things will smooth out on their own. I don't think we are on the verge of a breakup, we're both strong willed individuals. I just want the best for the both of us, and to smooth it out before it really is too late.
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Permalink Reply by Gab Life on -
I'm glad you posted this because I have the same EXACT issue with my boyfriend. He claims that I do the same EXACT things that you are admitting to. It took me awhile to realize what he meant, like it literally took me to pick up a journal and begin to write. I write down everything, everytime we get into an argument, everytime we do something nice for each other, etc. What I've come to realize through going back and reading my entries, is that majority (and I mean 95%) of our arguments are stemming from my own problems or issues with something/someone else. This may seem hilarious, but I bought an anger management book for women. I haven't gotten around to actually reading it and practicing some of the exercises, but my journal has helped me.
It could also be that you guys live together. I find myself to be a lot more pleasant with my boyfriend when I do things alone... you know, shop alone, have lunch by myself, read a book or study while he's working out instead of following him to the gym or going to the gym alone. Things like that help you to appreciate the person you're with and the time that you spend with them.
Like David said, admitting that you have an issue is the first step. Figuring out what suites you to overcome this problem is the next. But don't make this problem the gist of your relationship. Instead use it as a stepping stone and think "if I could get over this, guess what else I can get over..."
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Permalink Reply by JackoStain on -
As they saying goes treat other the way you would like to be treated, I could tell you this much that’s a really patient dude, I would have move out already. Base on the information provided your in the wrong and that you have accepted which is great, but on the other hand you cant seem to understand why he is not paying you as much attention well it may just be your actions are pushing this guy away from you.
I don’t have a magic solution for your problem, but take sometime out and reflect on the things you say, when your about to say something to him think about it first the first word that comes to mind its not always the bets one to say and once those words get off your tongue there is nothing you can do to take them back.
Seek professional help if you think you really need to figure it out.
Best of luck
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Permalink Reply by Heather on -
Oh wow, this is me as well. I find myself constantly being so nitpicky about everything. I live with my boyfriend and his best friend and its proving to be quite the dramafest. When I feel like I'm about to be angry or say something I will regret I walk away and go scream into my pillow, throw something that wont damage anything, or take deep breaths. I find that when I just walk away from a situation and actually think about it and calm down that it's not a big deal. When I'm spending a lot of time at home with the boyfriend it gets worse and that's when it's time for a break.
I've been snowed in for a week and I can really tell I'm getting on his nerves as much as he is on mine. Too much of anyone can hinder a relationship and it's important to still have your own time and space.
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Permalink Reply by Ninja in a Mazda on -
Being a laid back guy married for almost 6 years to woman who we have had to create a "freak out factor" (ex. substitute teaching at a new school freak factor of 9, where as my highest freak factor ever is like 6, like if I got in a car accident or something) scale for her non-laid backness, I think I can comment...it may or may not be helpful.
I think we have had similar situations like the water bill thing you mentioned, because in my mind, after I opened it, it's open, so there is no reason to even think about whether I should have opened it or not. Ultimately, the landlord will pay it, just like he is supposed to, so, no big deal. It doesn't hurt us at all, so why get worked up about it.
Like balancing my checkbook. I know there is enough money in there to pay for daily expenses. As long as I don't buy a snowmobile on the way home from work, I'm good. She has gotten mad because she doesn't understand how I can "not care" about how much money I have. I do care, I care enough to know that I'm not going to run out today, so there is no need to know the exact amount.
On a different note, as other people have mentioned, it is good that you recognize and accept that you are part of the problem.
Finally, I have three Oprah style rules that we live by:
1. Never go to bed mad.
2. Don't say "you" in an accusatory tone. It creates defensiveness immediately. Find some other way to say it.
3. Remember that you are team. Your team against the world. If you fight within, how are you going to win the external fight?
I know they are cheesy, but I think they have helped.
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Permalink Reply by Peppers on
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Well friends, I thank you for helping me. I wrote a letter to my boyfriend just being completely honest with him, admitting my wrong doings, explaining some things, and most importantly confessing my love, respect, and gratefulness for him. I am going to take what you all told me and run with it, and I hope to strengthen myself and our relationship so it is beneficial to both of us.
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Permalink Reply by Esther on -
I see a bit of this in myself, too. I tried to start thinking before I spoke (which has saved me saying some REALLY ugly things). Another big issue we had was, me always coming home tired, hungry, grumpy and stressed and snapping at him. He tries to accommodate me by making dinner whenever he can, and I'm basically making an effort to be a more positive and pleasant person even after a long day. Just thinking happy, being grateful for all the things I have rather than focusing on negative things like what a crap afternoon it was and how I just want to sleep for a week. The other day I really was exhausted and he commented "you're not your usual cheerful self" - which cracked me up, and shows it's obviously working! Normally I'd consider myself a glass half empty, sarcastic kind of person.
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