Is online dating for idealists or realists?

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by leilani on November 2, 2009 at 12:11am

So if they are sponsoring it, what are they sponsoring it with? I mean, isn't that usually how sponsorship (i.e. advertising) works? They give something for the exposure?

But, this is ironic timing, because I decided today that I need to try online dating. I actually had to ditch a date after an hour the other day - not because I'm terribly mean - but because I have only so many hours free each week, and the thought of spending several of them with someone who bored me to tears was too much to handle.

So, I like the idea of being able to see someone's occupation and interests BEFORE going on a date, to make sure it isn't a complete waste of time. I'm not sure if this makes me a realist or an idealist?

Permalink Reply by Lisa on November 2, 2009 at 4:57pm

Hey Jane,
The costs of running this website have come out of my (and Derek's) pockets for over a year now. They are sponsoring it by helping us cover our costs so we can keep 20sb alive and awesome.

Permalink Reply by leilani on November 3, 2009 at 2:44pm

word. and thank you! :)

Permalink Reply by Kellie on November 2, 2009 at 12:19am

I have never myself tried online dating, but I will say I met my current boyfriend online. I've never been an idealist about 'the one', but our meeting was pure chance and I definitely fell in love. Luckily, we live close too.

Permalink Reply by Phyllis on November 2, 2009 at 12:38am

I don't know if I fall into either category, to be honest. For me, the journey into the netherworlds of online dating started because I really don't know other places to meet people - I'm no longer in college, I work with mostly women, and I don't want to pick up a guy at a bar. That being said, I don't like most of the people I went to high school with, so again it makes meeting people kind of difficult so i turned to the internet.
I've had some moderate success, a few good first dates, a couple mediocre ones and some terrible ones - but it's more dates then I would have had otherwise.

Permalink Reply by Kelsey on November 2, 2009 at 8:27pm

Ha, why such a strong opinion?

For what it's worth, I met my fiance online. I didn't have any "type" in mind, or any intentions when we went out for the first time other than possibly making a new friend. I had just gotten out of a long relationship and was just looking to meet new people and have fun. Looking back on it now, I never expected such an amazing journey to come from it, and I am so glad I took that chance because I would have likely not met him otherwise. My one-time experiment with online dating turned out to be the best thing I ever did.

Permalink Reply by Lisa on November 3, 2009 at 9:13am

How is going online any more desperate than trying harder/trying hard in different places?

If you're so genuinely happy for people, why do think its necessary to call them desperate, and do giant sighs?

I think my issue with your post is the sentiment, "you're single? TRY HARDER" coupled with the sentiment, "but not online, you desperate crazy person!" You're blaming single people and shaming anybody who is or used to look online.

Permalink Reply by Janet Caruncho on November 5, 2009 at 12:02pm

I echo your thoughts exactly, Lisa. I think Tina sounded pretty judgemental, and that wasn't cool. Classic "No offense, but..." which you KNOW always leads to offending someone or a group of people. =/

Anyway, my two cents? I'm 28 and I've been divorced for almost two years. I work full-time, like most of us, and I've got a couple of elementary-aged children to keep me pretty busy. When I go out, it's usually with my kids, and I'm sorry, but I'm definitely not in the mood to be picking up strangers or to let strangers pick me up when I'm being maternal. It's just weird to me. Maybe it's cause I have a hard time multi-tasking. =)

And sure, sometimes I go out alone. But I, for one, haven't had any luck in social settings and I'm extremely picky. I like being able to see what a person likes/dislikes, their hobbies, whether or not they have children (I prefer someone who does so that they can better relate to me) whether or not they've got a stable job...it's just a bunch of different things that one can take a look at in an online ad that you really can't tell from a person you meet in line at a grocery store, you know what I mean? And I've had a couple of duds, but I fell in love through online dating, so it can't be that bad, right?

Permalink Reply by M. on November 3, 2009 at 1:28pm

I've done human interaction and all I can find are idiodic men who are nothing but into themselves and cannot seem to leave high school in the past.

I never thought about online dating, but I'm actually starting to talk to someone I've known for five years. It's possibly evolving into something else!

Permalink Reply by Annie on November 2, 2009 at 10:45pm

Oh boy.

The idea that the human masses can be categorized into either idealists or realists is a little unreal.

Personally, I think there have been instances where I act like an idealist and then there are times when I am more rational and pragmatic. I haven't dabbled in online dating per say but I have met some truely amazing people online and I think there would be nothing wrong in trying it out :)

Permalink Reply by Shop Girl on November 3, 2009 at 9:28am

I think I understand what Tina is getting at, and in a way I agree. I'm all for actual interaction in a relationship--I personally believe that you need to be face to face on a regular basis to really get to know someone. I realize that that's not true for everyone, but I think that, as a whole, we are SO dependent on computers for relationships, friendships, etc that knowing how to interact socially is becoming a lost art. How many people actually pick up the phone to call people anymore? Emailing is so much more convenient, unless it's a personal call to an old friend.

I think one of the questions that's intricately tied into this issue is whether or not our standards of who we date have just become much, much higher? I know that older generations married people who lived in their towns, came from good families, were courteous and hard working--not necessarily in high paying jobs. Somehow just being a "good person" isn't not enough anymore... we have specific physical characteristics we think need to be met in our partners, as well as social expectations, financial, intellectual, and emotional ones. If I had a nickel for every time I hear someone say, "I'll only date someone with a university education who makes good money" I'd be rich! I realize that in this ever-changing world we crave financial security, but come on...

And so, when we can't find this person we've created in our mind wherever we've been looking--bars, work, etc--we go online to a bigger pool of candidates, hoping to meet someone who fits the mold. I know this isn't true for everyone, but look at the questions they make you fill out on dating websites... it's definitely putting people into categories so we can "shop" for a partner.

To conclude this ramble, I don't want you to think I'm anti-online dating... I just find the huge shift toward it kind of scary, and I hope we never completely lose the face-to-face interaction. I know it can work, a good friend of mine actually married a guy who started reading her blog (they eventually met, started dating, etc), but I know it's dangerous too--another friend met a guy online, got married quickly and learned shortly after that he was a complete con artist who lied about everything he said he was. It was utterly disastrous. So, by all means, meet someone online, but date in person. There should be more to relationships than MSN and Facebook.

Permalink Reply by Annie on November 3, 2009 at 1:14pm

also, if a person is only depending on meeting people online, and there excuse for it is that they are busy then yes, I also agree with Shop girl and Tina ...

The virtual world can neve compete with the real world and I dont thing my facebook profile could ever truly capture the person that I am...

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