Is online dating for idealists or realists?

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by DShan on November 5, 2009 at 11:28am

This is very true. We're not who we look like on the internet, no matter how involved we might be with social tools.

But we're also far more informed by these tools than we are when we meet someone publicly or through a simple introduction.

Permalink Reply by Jess on November 3, 2009 at 2:08pm

I met my husband online, through Craigslist. I found that a lot of people who posted ads on Craigslist did seem to be idealists--like they had a very specific idea in their head of the perfect woman, and they were trying to conjure her into existence via a Craigslist ad. For that reason I wouldn't necessarily recommend Craigslist even though it worked for me.

However, I think it's important to note that just because you're looking to meet people online doesn't mean that you have unreasonably high, narrow standards for who you will date. I think the idea of separating out online interaction as not "real" or "normal" is a bit rich coming from a community of bloggers. Is the interaction we're all having right now not real? Are the "real-life," in-person friendships that many of us have made through our blogs not normal? If that's the case, I'll settle for being abnormal. I love my husband and I love my friends I've met through my blog. I also love my friends I've met in other places, and have loved people I've dated who I met in other places.

I love that the online space opens up our worlds so that we are no longer limited to people who we overlap with in our limited spheres. I love that we don't have to marry someone from our small town who comes from a good family. Maybe that's part of why the divorce rate is finally starting to decline? Because dating online helps us expand the search for people whose values, priorities, interests, etc. align with our own?

Plus, just because you meet online doesn't mean you don't end up having what some people would qualify as "real," "normal," face-to-face interactions. My husband and I emailed back and forth for about a week and a half before we met in person. After that, pretty much all of our interaction was in person. How is that not social interaction?

I think we have a lot to learn from Internet interactions. Specifically, I think that the way that the Internet kills social interaction is when people get online and start making assumptions about other people and saying insulting things to them that they would never say to their faces. I love these conversations on 20SB and on blogs in general because for the most part, with the exception of a very small minority of mostly anonymous commenters, these venues help us recognize that there are people behind the words that we're reading, and that social norms and civility apply online as well as in person.

Permalink Reply by Shop Girl on November 3, 2009 at 3:17pm

I agree with you--and I didn't mean to say that online people who looking to meet people online to date have higher standards, I meant that I believe that it's a general trend with our society--online or not. And I DO believe that "real" interaction is possible online, I just also feel it's missing key elements. I've met some wonderful people whom I'd consider "friends" through blogging, but at the same time, it's just not the same as being with someone face to face. But that's just my opinion.

And maybe you're right, it very well could be part of the reason the divorce rate was beginning to decline (which I was not aware of) but I'm still not 100% convinced. My issue with online dating is just that so many people I know use it as a front. I think it's wonderful that you and your husband emailed back and forth a bit before meeting--the important part to me was that you made the effort to meet, and introduced that new aspect into your relationship. So many people I know avoid that part, and end up unhappy--like my friend who married a complete scumbag she met online, because she didn't get to know him well enough in person first. I realize that her situation is unique to her, but it was so frustrating to watch the entire thing play out and see her be hurt.

I'm sorry if I offended you, that was not my intention. I don't think the internet "kills" social interaction, it's just changing it in ways that I'm not sure are for the better. As a teacher I've seen this first hand--kids who can't hand write because they are so used to typing, students who have trouble having basic conversations in person because they are so comfortable behind a computer screen. Technology is both a wonderful and dangerous thing.

I'm happy that you found someone that makes you happy, and really, where you met him shouldn't matter because you enjoy being with each other. I was simply putting my two cents into the debate.

Permalink Reply by Jess on November 3, 2009 at 4:11pm

Oh, I'm not offended, and I think you make some valid points about kids who have grown up with the Internet, are used to using that as a primary medium for communication, and can't remember a time pre-Internet. And I agree that it is possible to use Internet interactions as a front for not being honest or really getting to know someone.

I think the issue is that this is possible whether or not you're online. In fact, sometimes people are more careful online because they're aware of the danger that they're being presented with a false view of someone, whereas if you meet someone face-to-face from the get-go you tend to trust them more implicitly, even though it's possible for them to present a dishonest front that way as well. Certainly the Internet makes this more possible but people have been rushing into relationships with people they don't know very well since well before the Internet was invented, you know?

So I agree, the Internet is changing things and we need to be cognizant of that and careful about the implications. But at the same time it's no more possible to make blanket observations/generalizations about relationships that begin online than about relationships that begin anywhere else.

Permalink Reply by Danielle Barron on November 3, 2009 at 2:40pm

Tina:
You’re talking about online dating as if the couple will never meet in person. That’s not how it works. From my experience, it’s only your first few contacts that are actually done online, and then you move on to the phone, and meeting in person.

Anyways moving on…

I am currently on an online dating website, and I am not desperate. I would say I fall into the idealist category because I too like being able to know the guy is taller than I am, and that he has a career, and no kids. Does that make me shallow? Maybe, but at least I’m not wasting my time meeting them first.

Permalink Reply by Kelsey on November 3, 2009 at 7:06pm

Danielle, to the first part of your post- Exactly. You don't date online indefinitely. You meet online; the actual dating requires face to face interaction, haha.

Permalink Reply by leilani on November 3, 2009 at 10:19pm

WOW this is getting FEISTY and I like it!

I have to say that I actually did decide to check out one of these online dating websites and it was slightly bizarro - for example, how does one really write a little introduction? It seems like some people have it down to a science. I mean, even on this site, I have difficulty with the "about me" concept; I'm more accustomed to having people learn about me from, you know, knowing me (so old-fashioned!)

Such things are almost second nature now, I realise, but how unnatural is it to have a honed ability to describe oneself in a succinct yet interesting manner? Is it good to be that self-aware??
-This all is part of my theory that we're breeding a society of extreme narcissists... this does not include blogsters, of course! ;)

Anyway - I also was a bit alarmed about the way it all works. Like, you see if someone is cute, then you check out their interests/education (and FYI for me this has nothing to do with the online thing, although I am open to dating anyone, I don't think it would be at all likely for me to have enough chemistry to date someone who has not been well-educated)... but then I would get to the height part - and half of them were midgets.

Then I started skimming ONLY for height at first, and then feeling like a complete arse, because, wtf?

Perhaps it shall feel more natural as I become more accustomed to it... ??

Permalink Reply by Andhari on November 3, 2009 at 10:38pm

Online dating isn't really big here. And in online dating websites here ( in Indonesia ), I barely see edible guys. Like at all.

However, I've done the whole friends in facebook then meeting up thing, but not really people I don't totally know. It's usually a friend of friend or something. It's more often that people I know introduce me to a guy, you know real life encounter.

Permalink Reply by David Stehle on November 4, 2009 at 12:27am

edible guys?

Oooh yeaah. What kind of dirty dating site are you surfing? ;)

I'm sure you meant "eligible," but edible guys sounds better...although I would prefer edible girls.

Permalink Reply by DShan on November 5, 2009 at 12:46am

edible, way better.

Permalink Reply by Annie on November 5, 2009 at 1:24am

Hilarious ...edible ... hahahha

Permalink Reply by DShan on November 5, 2009 at 12:49am

I, having done some online dating, definitely think some idealism is involved. I don't go there as a backup plan...I obviously spend a lot of time online anyway, but still...I think you can get to know someone totally awesome online just like you might around town.

I always wonder, especially about women...Do you feel completely secure with potential dates you have met online?

Does security play a role in this these days?

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• 2
• 3
• Next ›
• Page