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Living with a significant other: yay or nay?

This week's debate topic: cohabitation before marriage!

Your thoughts?

Replies are closed for this discussion.

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by blaez on October 11, 2009 at 3:39pm

yay!

how else are you going to know that you're compatable enough to get married? if you can't live together as boyfriend/girlfriend you can't live together as husband and wife. its best to find out before you get married and then have to pay for a divorce.

Permalink Reply by Phyllis on October 11, 2009 at 6:43pm

both! (ah, i always take the middle road)
I think for couples who intend on getting married in the near future it's alright, but for couples with no future marriage plans, it could spell disaster. (i wrote a thesis on this for one of my soc classes in college)
For people who cohabitate without definite plans on marrying, marriage often just becomes "the next step" and not something they legitimately want. It's something they do because they feel it becomes necessary, rather than because they want to become a husband and wife. The most recent studies show that couples who cohabitate before marriage are 10 times more likely to get a divorce than those that don't.
Now, for couples who plan on getting married, it's a little different. Maybe the engagement is being held off of because of money, or maybe the couple is engaged, due to get married within the next year, and don't want to renew releases on their separate apartments, or are trying to save money to buy a house, or maybe they just want to. I don't think that's so wrong.
I know for me, personally, half the fun of getting married is that sense of moving in, tying your lives together. Starting a new life together when you become a husband and wife - actually living together as opposed to partially living together. Not leaving a tooth brush at his place for nights when you sleep over - because now it's not a sleepover, it's the way you live.

Permalink Reply by imerika on October 13, 2009 at 8:21pm

I think the whole "being happy" thing is a bunch of crap.
People are not going to be happy 100% of the time, whether they're married or not. And nowadays, especially in our generation, we use that excuse wayyy too often. You know what? Life is not always happy. There are bad times and good times. Sometimes our jobs suck, sometimes bad things happen to good people. But a MARRIAGE is about sticking through it, having someone there for you during those times, to be your support when you're not strong enough to support yourself on your own.

Please don't feel that I am attacking you, I'm just attacking the whole "I'm not happy" excuse : )

Permalink Reply by kk on October 11, 2009 at 6:51pm

oh my gosh, yes. i cannot even imagine marrying someone having never lived with them.

Permalink Reply by cooper on October 11, 2009 at 6:52pm

I don't think it matters one way or the other. I think it's personal preference.

I can't say I've ever thought about this, to any significant degree. I'm not so sure, should I ever decide to marry, that I wouldn't just want to wait it out, and live on my own until the end. It's not like there wouldn't have been significant thought put into the situation before hand, and enough time spent together anyway.

Whether people do or do not live together before marriage doesn't seem as significant as the meeting of the minds that needs to occur prior to either co-habitation or marriage.

Most of the statistic on this one way or the other are extremely suspect.

The most important thing is.... what are the expectations of the situation, do both people see it as a test, something that they might go through several times with several different candidates, or do both see it as a minor stepping stone to marriage. If one person views it differently than the other then I can see it being a disaster for one person, same as with any relationship.

Permalink Reply by Akirah on October 11, 2009 at 9:15pm

Amen. I agree with this wholeheartedly. I refuse to move in with a man who hasn't given me any indication he's going to commit to me. Personally, I'm going to need a ring before I sign a lease with you.

Many people use the argument of wanting to get to know his/her SO before they move in together. I'm not sure how much I buy this either. Whether you live together or not, people change. I've had one too many friends whose husbands/boyfriends woke up one day a completely different person. Living with those men prior to marriage did nothing to forewarn my friends.

Permalink Reply by Akirah on October 12, 2009 at 10:14pm

I agree and I'm only speaking for myself. I do view marriage as the ultimate form of commitment. I'm not being a hopeless romantic; I'm not in any crazy rush to marry my boyfriend. I just don't see signing a lease as an extremely meaningful symbol of a man's commitment to me.

I'm sure it'd be a lot of fun living with my boyfriend too. I've loved him for three years and can totally see myself coming home to him each night. But I've got to make him work for that. I can't let him have the cow and get the milk for free.

But if living with your boyfriend feels right to you, who am I to judge?

Permalink Reply by imerika on October 13, 2009 at 8:22pm

Amen Akirah! I back you up 100%!

Permalink Reply by Claire Louise on October 12, 2009 at 5:48am

"marriage is about making an effort and without it, your significant other can behave any way he/she wants. the two of you could live out of character for years without knowing it because you know in the back of your minds that it could be over any old time."

Well, I disagree here. I think living together kind of prevents you from being able to "live out of character" - noone can put on a pretence 24 hours a day, seven days a week for months on end.
Also, I think if youre thinking in the back of your mind that it could be over any old time, youd need to rethink that particular relationship. I know if I thought that about a relationship, a ring (engagement ring) isnt going to change the fact that I think that - then I would think they were just giving me what they thought I wanted. Also, I would think that moving in together would take away that doubt in a kind of "Im not ready to get married, but I want you to know Im still committed to you and Im not going anywhere" kind of way.
Though, I guess that comes from my personal view of relationships.

Permalink Reply by Akirah on October 12, 2009 at 10:24pm

My best friend's boyfriend put on an act with her for about a year, actually. He acted one way...pretended to be in love with her, FOR A WHOLE STINKING YEAR! He bought her a dog...moved into an amazing condo with her. We all thought he'd definitely be proposing this Christmas. Two months after renewing their lease, he came clean and broke her heart.

Taking vows before your family, friends, or even a judge holds you accountable to NOT live out of character. It's an intentional declaration of your commitment to another person. Of course marriages can end at any time...and unfortunately this happens everyday. But you can't end a marriage without acknowledging that someone didn't come thru on the vow he/she made before others. It's not as simple as moving out of an apartment and breaking a lease or sharing a dog. I mean, those things are difficult emotionally, but it's just not the same.

But I do understand how moving in with someone might alleviate some doubt.

Permalink Reply by Allie B on October 11, 2009 at 10:54pm

I think it's a yay as long as both parties are equally enthusiastic about the decision.

I've lived with my boyfriend for two years now (we've been together for five) and I think it was a good decision for several reasons. One is that it allows us to work on any cohabitation issues we may have before we decide to get married (if that's what ends up happening) and it is also easier on both of our budgets. Plus, it is waaaaaaaay better than living with a roommate (yes, I recognize that my boyfriend is still technically a roommate, but he almost doesn't count...) because there is no awkwardness.

I mean, if you are going to live together once you get married, it seems like you'd want to give it a trial run beforehand... you know, just to work out the kinks and find out if there are any kinks large enough to be prohibitive to marriage. It's best to find these things out before you marry someone. Probably.

Permalink Reply by imerika on October 13, 2009 at 8:24pm

Using budgetary concerns as a reason to move in together just doesn't sound very appealing to me.