The Bloggers With The Most To Say
Love and Marriage.
I posted this post today, and wanted to include you all in the discussion. The post is here: habbala.blogspot.com
While at a friends house last night, a couple of us got into a conversation and I wanted to include you all in the debate. Are you ready?
I say both. My friend Leah said choice.
Basically, Leah argued that the love feeling comes to an end and all you have left is the choice to make a marriage last.
If this is true. I will never ever ever get married.
I think it's both. I think that the choice is real and crazy hard. There are days, weeks, months that can go on that you have to actively CHOOSE every day to love your partner. But if there is a point where the feeling of love actually permanently comes to an end.... that just sucks.
Here is how I see it:
First Level: The, hopeful, starting point is a really deep respect for a spouse. I find that it is much harder to stay mad at someone who I really respect and value. This is part of the picking a REALLY great spouse.... you should respect them, they should respect you. If everything else has gone wrong, I think having this foundation can get you back on track.
Second Level: The choice. This is the active part. The daily task of serving your partner and putting them before you. This is the part where the vows you take come in to play... when you aren't IN LOVE with your partner... you promise to stay and work it out. Put the effort in to get it back.
Third Level: The feeling of being in love. I have seen my grandparents. They have been together for a really long time, and sometimes it is apparent that they're working from the second level... but then sometimes it is INCREDIBLY apparent that they are truly IN LOVE with each other. I don't think it's realistic to expect this part to be there at all times, but damn it it should be there sometimes. A relationship should ebb and flow with this-- and I think it would if the first two levels were sound.
Ok, now it's your turn. What do you think? What is love's role in marriage?
While at a friends house last night, a couple of us got into a conversation and I wanted to include you all in the debate. Are you ready?
I say both. My friend Leah said choice.
Basically, Leah argued that the love feeling comes to an end and all you have left is the choice to make a marriage last.
If this is true. I will never ever ever get married.
I think it's both. I think that the choice is real and crazy hard. There are days, weeks, months that can go on that you have to actively CHOOSE every day to love your partner. But if there is a point where the feeling of love actually permanently comes to an end.... that just sucks.
Here is how I see it:
First Level: The, hopeful, starting point is a really deep respect for a spouse. I find that it is much harder to stay mad at someone who I really respect and value. This is part of the picking a REALLY great spouse.... you should respect them, they should respect you. If everything else has gone wrong, I think having this foundation can get you back on track.
Second Level: The choice. This is the active part. The daily task of serving your partner and putting them before you. This is the part where the vows you take come in to play... when you aren't IN LOVE with your partner... you promise to stay and work it out. Put the effort in to get it back.
Third Level: The feeling of being in love. I have seen my grandparents. They have been together for a really long time, and sometimes it is apparent that they're working from the second level... but then sometimes it is INCREDIBLY apparent that they are truly IN LOVE with each other. I don't think it's realistic to expect this part to be there at all times, but damn it it should be there sometimes. A relationship should ebb and flow with this-- and I think it would if the first two levels were sound.
Ok, now it's your turn. What do you think? What is love's role in marriage?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Allison on -
Someone told me once that you don't feel "love" for your spouse 100% of the time. Sometimes you are angry and upset, sometimes sad and frustrated, and sometimes you feel "love." So love is a choice because even when you are angry, you still choose to be with the person even if you don't feel love towards them. Maybe this is what your friend meant? You can be in love with someone even when you feel anger towards them, and you choose to be with them even when you don't feel "love." Some people might even stop feeling that way entirely, but you always choose that person because you're *in love* with them and choose to be with them because they are (to quote Ever After) your match. But that doesn't always mean you like them!
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Permalink Reply by Hater Von G on -
I'm interested in reading the responses. I'm 21 and already divorced, I know nothing about this topic.
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Permalink Reply by Carolina Escobedo on -
I definitely think there are phases to love and marriage. I've only been married for 11 months but I will tell you, there is not a day that goes by that I am not fully aware of how IN LOVE I am with my husband. We both know there will be hard day, rough spots and maybe even phases in our relationship that will take us to the edge...but I don't think that even in those times I won't LOVE him. I love him for everything he is; his imperfections are just the other side of something I love so much about him. And he wouldn't be him, the man I love so much, if he didn't have all those "imperfections."
I do think that at some point a marriage (or any long term relationship) can change into something different than the fresh IN LOVE feeling I feel right now. I can't imagine never being in love with him, but I know that one day I will show it differently. And feel it differently. The longer you're with someone, the more memories you have with someone, love changes. Your respect for them changes. The way you seem them changes. But I don't think that is synonymous with not being in love with them. It just starts taking different forms as life changes.
I will never not be in love with my husband. I wouldn't have married him if I thought that were a possibility. I'm sure a lot of people could find that too idealistic or even naive, but that is okay with me. I have a life and a relationship that is in my eyes, exactly what I want and need, and I know that in 50 years I will love him just as much as I do now...with the added benefit of years of memories, love and respect.
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Permalink Reply by Smart Ass Sara on -
I did a post on a book that I read about marriage and the different types of lovers. Very interesting! :) HERE
BUT, I agree with Allison that you don't love your spouse 100% of the time. I don't, and I've been with Matt 8 years, married for 6 of those. Honestly? There are times where I could divorce him and feel like I'd be better off. It's only really the times where I'm upset that I think he's handy to have around. Well, then and when something in the house breaks or the garbage needs to be taken out in the winter. The "in love" stage ends- it can't ever stay forever. But sometimes I think you just love a person. And really? I think that people give up too easily. Matt has cheated on me, and part ways through our marriage I learned some very disturbing thigns about him that freaks me out, but in the end- I married him because I loved him. And now we have two kids so that changes things too. At this point, I debate everyday whether I'm doing the right thing by staying with him but then I realize another year has gone by and we made it. So I don't know- you never really know what it's like until your there and it's pretty hard to explain. When it's good it's great, but when it's bad it's awful.
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Permalink Reply by Kellie on -
I've never thought too deeply about love and marriage. Maybe because I don't think it should be a 'thinking' thing. If I could sit here and figure out the secret to making a marriage last, I would. But I have parents who have been married for 29 years, and know some who get divorced after 25 years. I'm sure I'm off topic..
But I do think you should wait to get married until you really KNOW the person you're in love with. It's entirely possible to only know one side of them, and come a time of tragedy or difficult circumstance, you'll get another side of them.
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Permalink Reply by Emily on -
i never thought about marriage. i wasn't one of those people who plan their wedding or think about who they're going to marry. i never thought it was really going to happen. and then, i met erik and something just clicked and now i don't really think about the forever part i'm just happy to be with him. and we're getting married. in 8 months. it's weird but it works some how. i think you just can't fake who you are and that's what happens when people date.
my difficult circumstance is texas.. and we're surviving. lol.
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Permalink Reply by Mrs. B on -
I guess that if you didn't really love someone, you wouldn't make that choice. Sure there are times when you don't really feel in love, but it doesn't truly die.
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Permalink Reply by jay. on -
First of all, I don't know that asking a bunch of 20 somethings this question is exactly going to give a whole lot of insight. Those of us that are married, probably haven't been for a long time. I would love to ask someone this question that's been married for 50 years!
And quite honestly, I don't think anything says it better than this...
"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-Captain Corelli's Mandolin
I've been married for 1 1/2 years... and I can honestly say that "Ohhh my gah, I'm so in love with you, the sun shines out of your ass" feeling is not there all of the time. But, I am always in love with him. Even when I'm angry, upset, or frustrated. Even when he leaves the seat up. When he forgets to take the trash out and our house smells. I love him when he leaves his clothes on the floor. When he says he's going to do something, and then forgets. I love him when he's snoring and I can't sleep. I love him when he's busy being all imperfect. I love him every single day, without hesitation.
I don't think you should have to wake up and work to love someone, however, I do think you have to work to keep the love alive. It's really easy to get comfortable in your life together. When you become sedentary and quit growing together, it's hard to stay in love. How can you be in love with someone that you don't even really know anymore?
I don't think any marriage can be successful, enjoyable, or rewarding without a mutual love as the foundation. With love comes respect, communication, honesty, and loyalty. In my opinion, love doesn't play a role, love is the role.
And, just for the record... I've been with my husband for almost 6 years, only married for 1 1/2. (:
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Permalink Reply by Angie on -
The real LOVE is always there under the surface, even if you don't express it or you're feeling annoyed at them or whatever you feel at any given time. I can only speak from my point of view but that's pretty much the gist of it. It needs to have roots deep down inside you. It doesn't take any work to keep it there, its just always there. The work part is where you don't follow your primal instincts to go sleep with other people, and really, that shouldn't be so hard that it kills you either. Real love should be able to override your base instincts.
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Permalink Reply by Sarah Nicole on -
Love is not always easy. I think some days you have to work hard at it but I think what makes it so amazing is that you want to work for it. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years, and we have had some ups and downs but we want to be with each other because we love each other. I don't think the love ever comes to an end. I think true love is worth fighting for no matter what.
I also think many people chose to convince themselves to stop loving someone else because it's easier that way. It's easier to divorce or break-up than to work at whatever problem faces the couple. Not all situations are this way but many are.
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Permalink Reply by Sam Huizinga on -
such a great song.. but it's so true.
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Permalink Reply by leilani on -
Isn't there a whole framework of, like, passion, commitment, and intimacy?
Anyway I feel like the whole "in love" this, though poetic and shit, is just a matter of elevated levels of dopamine and shit... meaning, yeah, the firing rate of your pleasure neurons should have peaks - those times of being incredibly in love - but it isn't a constant thing
I think, though that when you DON'T have those moments, there is something lacking in another area of the relationship, possibly level 1 or 2 ;)
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