The Bloggers With The Most To Say
Love and Marriage.
I posted this post today, and wanted to include you all in the discussion. The post is here: habbala.blogspot.com
While at a friends house last night, a couple of us got into a conversation and I wanted to include you all in the debate. Are you ready?
I say both. My friend Leah said choice.
Basically, Leah argued that the love feeling comes to an end and all you have left is the choice to make a marriage last.
If this is true. I will never ever ever get married.
I think it's both. I think that the choice is real and crazy hard. There are days, weeks, months that can go on that you have to actively CHOOSE every day to love your partner. But if there is a point where the feeling of love actually permanently comes to an end.... that just sucks.
Here is how I see it:
First Level: The, hopeful, starting point is a really deep respect for a spouse. I find that it is much harder to stay mad at someone who I really respect and value. This is part of the picking a REALLY great spouse.... you should respect them, they should respect you. If everything else has gone wrong, I think having this foundation can get you back on track.
Second Level: The choice. This is the active part. The daily task of serving your partner and putting them before you. This is the part where the vows you take come in to play... when you aren't IN LOVE with your partner... you promise to stay and work it out. Put the effort in to get it back.
Third Level: The feeling of being in love. I have seen my grandparents. They have been together for a really long time, and sometimes it is apparent that they're working from the second level... but then sometimes it is INCREDIBLY apparent that they are truly IN LOVE with each other. I don't think it's realistic to expect this part to be there at all times, but damn it it should be there sometimes. A relationship should ebb and flow with this-- and I think it would if the first two levels were sound.
Ok, now it's your turn. What do you think? What is love's role in marriage?
While at a friends house last night, a couple of us got into a conversation and I wanted to include you all in the debate. Are you ready?
I say both. My friend Leah said choice.
Basically, Leah argued that the love feeling comes to an end and all you have left is the choice to make a marriage last.
If this is true. I will never ever ever get married.
I think it's both. I think that the choice is real and crazy hard. There are days, weeks, months that can go on that you have to actively CHOOSE every day to love your partner. But if there is a point where the feeling of love actually permanently comes to an end.... that just sucks.
Here is how I see it:
First Level: The, hopeful, starting point is a really deep respect for a spouse. I find that it is much harder to stay mad at someone who I really respect and value. This is part of the picking a REALLY great spouse.... you should respect them, they should respect you. If everything else has gone wrong, I think having this foundation can get you back on track.
Second Level: The choice. This is the active part. The daily task of serving your partner and putting them before you. This is the part where the vows you take come in to play... when you aren't IN LOVE with your partner... you promise to stay and work it out. Put the effort in to get it back.
Third Level: The feeling of being in love. I have seen my grandparents. They have been together for a really long time, and sometimes it is apparent that they're working from the second level... but then sometimes it is INCREDIBLY apparent that they are truly IN LOVE with each other. I don't think it's realistic to expect this part to be there at all times, but damn it it should be there sometimes. A relationship should ebb and flow with this-- and I think it would if the first two levels were sound.
Ok, now it's your turn. What do you think? What is love's role in marriage?
Replies to This Discussion
-
Permalink Reply by Margarita on -
I really don't think marriage should be your only option in love. Why not just be together with someone forever? That's enough for me. A piece of paper doesn't prove anything because a divorce paper could be right around the corner too.
I think it's all a choice - but at the same time IT'S LOVE. If you don't feel it, then it might not be there.
-
Permalink Reply by Whitney on -
This is a slightly more cynical way to look at it, I guess, but here's my take coming from 20ish months of marriage.
I think love can't even exist without making the choice to do so. I don't believe in love at first sight aside from between mother and child. Therefore, you choose falling in love long before the feeling ever comes into play. You reach a point in a relationship, somewhere near the beginning usually, where you decide "Is this the kind of person I want to fall in love with?" whether conscious or sub-conscious. You may feel that fluttering, flattering "I'm attracted to you, you're nice, and you seem to like me," but I don't think anyone over the age of 15 would label that feeling love yet. Once you spend a little time talking to the person or getting to know them, that's when you choose whether or not you're going to let yourself love them.
Marriage is similar I think, except the choice is about commitment, not feelings. You get to know that person, those feelings get deeper and stronger until someone else's soul is intertwined with yours, and you make a choice - will you let yourself strive for those feelings for the rest of your life? Do you choose to continue getting to know that person til death do you part? Do you want your souls to continue twisting and merging themselves together in a way that's never meant to break? In a way that's going to hurt like hell if it does?
Sometimes those "love" feelings won't be there, but you choose to try to push on through the tough times. That's marriage. To me, love, commitment, choice... they all go together in marriage. It's not the weight of each that's important. It's making sure all three are there.
If that didn't make sense, I blame the fact it's 3 a.m.
-
Permalink Reply by Sam Huizinga on -
For the record I'm going to say 1 Corinthians 13:4 - "love is patient; love is kind.."
I've been with my boyfriend/fiance (no ring yet but we have a wedding date for this year ha) for over 3 years now. I just moved in with him just this past fall. To me (and him) we have made the commitment of being with each other till death (i wouldn't live with anyone unless i knew where WE would end up) We share all the same things a married couple share (except a last name)
There are days when i'm mad at him and don't want him to talk to me and i know the same goes for him.. we all have those days. but i go to bed and wake up everyday with such love for him, knowing being together is much better than just giving up. a marriage takes effort and work as does every relationship. a couple is a team and they need to work together to make something work.
hope i didn't go off track... ?
-
Permalink Reply by Leetid on -
What is the point of being with someone if you don't love them so I think love is a major part of marriage.
I love my husband deeply even though he irriates me sometimes but it's still love.
-
Permalink Reply by Heather on -
There are times when I'm mad at my Husband. When I'm sad and frustrated and think I'm better off alone. But never once have I thought to myself that I didn't love him. Even if we divorced because of our issues, I would still have feelings for him.
-
Permalink Reply by Kanwal Khalid on -
I've been married for about a month now, but was engaged for over a year before that. There are times we are both on the edge of things but I guess it IS love that makes us forgive and forget. We say a lot of harsh things but its love that makes us apologize and make up.
Oh and compromising is one big chunk of a good relationship. Both people have to work super duper hard to make it work. It can NEVER work with either one being selfish or mean all the time.
How do you fall in love? I thought it would be one big of a drama when I would, but actually it wasn't. It was very simple, fast and sweet. Friends we were. And one random day at college he asked me to marry him. And then things just happened. I was the truest to him, as a friend. He calls me an open book. And i guess that's what love's about. Being true and being comfortable to be yourself.
Enough rambling.
-
Permalink Reply by Linda on -
There's a book called Road Less Traveled (Scott Peck, M.D.), pretty famed book in the therapy circuit. I read it in 2005 and it has changed my outlook on love. There's 4 chapters, first one is on therapy, 2nd on love, third and fourth I forgot (haha)
His chapter one love contends that the passionate love that we experience is finite. We all fall "out of love" in a matter of time. He then states that it is THEN that we have an opportunity to REALLY love. When the passion fades, we're no longer tied by chemistry but by choice and commitment. It is the choice we make to stay committed that equals real love.
So yes. I agree.
-
Permalink Reply by Britt Trotman on -
I hope that you'll still consider marriage because it's the best thing that has ever happened to me. I will admit that it can be hard at times, but to me, marriage is so much better than dating! Even better than the first date butterflies.
When there is a mutual, deep love between the two and divorce is not in your vocabulary, then I truly believe that you make it through anything. Love is always a choice, and if you're choosing to love every day, then you can still feel "in love" after 30 years of marriage.
That's a tough question to answer without writing a book! One thing that helped me was knowing my husband's love language and knowing mine as well. Once you know how to communicate love to that person they way they would like to receive it then things become a lot easier! The Five Love Languages is a book that helps you understand what your love language is. It's very enlightening.
- ‹ Previous
- 1
- 2
- Next ›
© 2012 Created by Lisa.
