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Maturation class horror stories...
My boys i nanny for came home and showed me their 'maturation pamphlet' they got in school the other day. it sort of was funny, and disturbing, and then led me to remember the weirdest maturation class memory ever. it goes as follows:
First of all: i already knew what sex was. Derek with the silver teeth told me he 'found his brothers girlfriends bra in his car' and that meant they had SECKS. he then explained to my 2nd grade mind what it was. I was a 2nd grader and no fool. SO....Let me briefly take you to the fateful day of maturation class in the 4th grade...when i learned about puberty. Why, why, WHY had my mother signed that damned permission slip for me to attend this 4 hour maturation lesson day!? I’ll never forget the movie they popped in the vcr without any forewarning, ruining all of our 10 year old girlish hearts.
“Mom, I’m hungry for pancakes. Also, theres some red stuff in my panties, what do I do? Am I dying?”
“Oh Jessica, you must be menstruating! Let me pour this pancake batter out on the grittle and show you how reproductive organs work and why you found blood in your panties”
“thanks mom, I’m glad you can help me, I was so scared.”
“this egg travels through here and down here, and then comes out here! heres a uterous pancake, AND a pad. A pad is like a diaper, for women during menstruation! I use them all the time. That’s why blood comes out the hole by where you pee! That is what its for. So now you know.”
“I guess I’m a woman now, huh? I can’t wait to tell my friends at school that I actually started my period. Will I grow boobs now?”
“yes Jessica, you are a woman. And yes, you will, just like me. Would you like this fallopian tube pancake or the vaginal canal pancake?”
“I’ll take the fallopian tube pancake. YUM. Thanks mom.”
I’m not kidding- they made us watch that video.
any one else have some awful memories to add?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Gina on -
I had already had the whoooooole talk with my parents before those classes came up. When I was nine, I heard the word "rape" on an episode of Law and Order, asked what it was and was given the answer, complete with all necessary background information. Thus, by the time the school was trying to be hip/fun about my period and masturbation and wet dreams and stuff, I already knew it. I remember thinking my classmates were such idiots for giggling and joking around. I was thoroughly bored and couldn't understand why others were uncomfortable.
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Permalink Reply by Nicole Booth on -
hahah i wish i got the talk.
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Permalink Reply by Shelly on -
I don't remember "the talk" I had with my mother. I'm sure it was awful and embarrassing, because she takes these conversations very seriously. I can however, remember being as old as 20, sitting with her and watching tv when one of those "more you know" type of commercials came on she would remind me..."It only takes one time."
Thank you, Mom. Thank you.
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Permalink Reply by Freeman Dyson on -
The talk never happened with me either. And I'm glad. Kids should learn that stuff from stories being told by older kid on the playground. Like normal people.
One of my friend's father tried to have the talk with him and an as soon as he started my friend told him to just stop, and left the room. It's much funnier the way he tells it. His father is such a dork.
In 6th grade one of the hottest girls in the class had her first period all over the floor in front of the whole class. We didn't really know what was going on. There was a puddle of blood on the floor and it was dripping off her pant leg and stuff. One of the other girls was down on the ground scrubbing and cleaning it up, and she yelled, stil remember this: "What are you all looking at ?! You think this happens when we're 16?!"
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Permalink Reply by Nicole Booth on
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hahahahahahhahahh
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Permalink Reply by Alice on -
The talk with my mom was about thirty seconds long and consisted of "DON'T HAVE SEX EVER"
The more interesting talk happened in girls health at the height of the Clinton sex scandal and all of us parochial school girls were clamoring to know exactly what oral sex was. We got the sex part down, but had no clue what *that* had to do with our mouths. Our poor teacher having to field that one....
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Permalink Reply by Harley Jane on -
What. the. hell. is maturation? I thought you were misspelling masturbation until I was about halfway down the post.
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Permalink Reply by Nicole Booth on
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maybe it was just my schools thing... but they used the word 'maturation' i think to scare us. and it did.
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Permalink Reply by Gina on
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I think my school called it Reproduction Classes or something equally strange and unnecessarily horrifying. The common vernacular is Sex Ed, though. At least around here.
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Permalink Reply by Rocket on -
That's exactly what went through my mind! I was like "THEY TEACH THAT?! Oh wait..."
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Permalink Reply by hookeymonster on -
The Army had a habit of moving us each time before I had to go through that dreadful process and if my parents ever talked about it I must have seriously blocked it out because I have no recollection of it. I much prefer it this way...
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