Maturation class horror stories...

My boys i nanny for came home and showed me their 'maturation pamphlet' they got in school the other day. it sort of was funny, and disturbing, and then led me to remember the weirdest maturation class memory ever. it goes as follows:

First of all: i already knew what sex was. Derek with the silver teeth told me he 'found his brothers girlfriends bra in his car' and that meant they had SECKS. he then explained to my 2nd grade mind what it was. I was a 2nd grader and no fool. SO....Let me briefly take you to the fateful day of maturation class in the 4th grade...when i learned about puberty. Why, why, WHY had my mother signed that damned permission slip for me to attend this 4 hour maturation lesson day!? I’ll never forget the movie they popped in the vcr without any forewarning, ruining all of our 10 year old girlish hearts.

            “Mom, I’m hungry for pancakes. Also, theres some red stuff in my panties, what do I do? Am I dying?”

“Oh Jessica, you must be menstruating! Let me pour this pancake batter out on the grittle and show you how reproductive organs work and why you found blood in your panties”

“thanks mom, I’m glad you can help me, I was so scared.”

“this egg travels through here and down here, and then comes out here! heres a uterous pancake, AND a pad. A pad is like a diaper, for women during menstruation! I use them all the time. That’s why blood comes out the hole by where you pee! That is what its for. So now you know.”

“I guess I’m a woman now, huh? I can’t wait to tell my friends at school that I actually started my period. Will I grow boobs now?”

“yes Jessica, you are a woman. And yes, you will, just like me. Would you like this fallopian tube pancake or the vaginal canal pancake?”

“I’ll take the fallopian tube pancake. YUM. Thanks mom.”

I’m not kidding- they made us watch that video.

any one else have some awful memories to add?