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Sensitive kids - particularly boys.
I want your thoughts as both a parent and a once-upon-a-time-child on sensitive boys and the way dads handle it. My dad is a pretty sarcastic person, and is constantly making fun of or joking pretty negatively towards his kids.
My brother is 19 and still can't handle it. I confront my dad on it all the time, and he either overlooks my concern, or tells me that he just needs to man up and that it's good for him to deal with it.
Clearly, 19 years into it, my brother still isn't able to "man up," and I'm not surprised, as most of my dad's jokes are pretty emasculating. My dad consistently prods and belittles him for being "too sensitive" or acting like a girl, even to the point of challenging his sexual orientation. It's been going on so long and building up for so many years, that today, it really only takes one remark from my dad to put my brother over the edge and make him want to go back to his own home. My dad genuinely does not think that he's harming my brother AT ALL.
Thoughts? Were you a sensitive kid? How can I help my brother? How can I communicate just how destructive this is to my dad? Have you ever roughed your sons around verbally with good intentions of "manning them up?"
(I blogged about this over here, but that's relatively beside the point: http://laurennicolelove.blogspot.com/2011/01/imperfect-parenting-yo... )
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Gina on -
This makes me crazy.
I have three boys, and they all have feelings, just the same as girls. Neither gender is entitled to any personality trait. Boys can be sensitive and girls can be tough. I hate, hate, hate when people look at a child who displays traits that are more common to the opposite gender and start making assumptions about that child's ability to make friends or their sexual orientation. Hi? How 'bout you back off and just let the kid be themselves without a pack of psychoanalysts jumping down his or her throat proclaiming him or her to be a wuss/homosexual/loner/loser/whatever.
Geez.
OK, ranting aside, you're right. What your dad is doing is wrong. Nobody deserves to be belittled, especially not by a person who is supposed to love and support you unconditionally. Your brother needs to decide what he wants to do about it. Frankly, he's 19. He's no longer a child and he has to take this into his own hands. If he can't have the open and frank discussion with his father about the intolerable treatment, then he needs to reduce or eliminate contact with the man. Then maybe the message will become clear.
I don't suggest severing or loosening family ties lightly. Family is incredibly important and can (should) provide the safe-haven for you throughout your life. But if a family member, on whom you are no longer dependent, is being deliberately rude and incredibly close-minded about how you should live your life, then maybe some distance is the best thing for all involved.
For your part, I think support is the most important thing. Solidarity can be the easiest thing; if he leaves a room because a conversation gets out of hand, go with him. Not to "talk him down" or bring him back to the group, but just to be there. Take his side, make light of the situation, or deflect the conversation when you see it heading down a familiar path.
Sensitivity shouldn't be looked down on. Previous generations saw it as a weakness, but I would like to think that, as a whole, we have realized that sensitivity in either gender should be nurtured a little bit. Maybe if we all were a little more sensitive, things would be a little bit easier for us all.
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Permalink Reply by little m on -
My son is intensely emotional (much like I was as a kid) and reduced to tears over very minuscule things.
No one short of a professional or a personal revelation will show your father how destructive his attitude/comments are. i learned this the hard way. I once stood up for myself and told my parents that their comments and lack of support/understanding was emotionally abusive and they were leading me to negative thoughts of myself and really affecting my confidence, self-esteem and motivation.
They laughed and made jokes about how I was 'crazy' and needed a 'head doctor.' :/
They best way to help is be there for your brother, let him know that your dad is being an asshole and with no right rhyme or reason. Be supportive of your brother and let him know that you think he acts and behaves in a perfectly normal and acceptable way. It's okay to have feelings, hell it just proves that you're human. Good luck.
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