Waiting for Sex until Marriage....totally insaine?

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by cooper on March 24, 2009 at 12:25am

I think when someone chooses to have sex is something only that person can decide. It seems to me that there are certainly others who might feel the same way you do, and if you are that into your beliefs than you would end up with someone with your same beliefs, possibly they would find it reasonable to wait.

Permalink Reply by David Stehle on March 24, 2009 at 12:30am

So tell me, how did this pastor address the issue of putting out the fire in your pants? ;)

Sorry, don’t mean to be a smartass. But even into my 20s, my hormones are out of control! I have a high sex drive, so there's no way I could have waited until marriage! And before anyone mentions it, masturbation just doesn't cut it. It's not the same thing.

And I'm sure I'm going to hear it for saying this, but I like to testdrive before I decide to buy.

Permalink Reply by Charlee on March 24, 2009 at 4:31am

Hahah well for one I'm pretty sure a lot of religions are anti-masturbation, although I could be wrong on that, as I never proclaimed myself an expert on The Bible.

BUT why would you hear it for saying that?? That is only natural...I mean, as a woman, I can hardly think of anything that would be more tragic than realizing your husband is a bad lover. Can you say "divorce court"?

Permalink Reply by David Stehle on March 24, 2009 at 3:18pm

True. Bad sex will kill a marriage. And as far as those who don't believe in sex or masturbation before marriage, then I go with the theory of...

If you don't use it, you lose it.

Permalink Reply by Jon Bishop on March 24, 2009 at 4:37pm

Just a little note. I was always taught masturbation was wrong when I was going to bible camp as a kid. Now that I'm older I realized that it doesn't actually say its wrong in the bible ...

I do know there are 3 versus that have been interpreted as meaning masturbation is bad but further analysis disproves these claims.

Permalink Reply by David Stehle on March 24, 2009 at 9:19pm

Well I can't say I've dug deep into the bible and made my own interpretation of whether God is for or against masturbation. However, I have "experimented" with said activity and I've come to the conclusion that masturbation can't be all that big of a sin since my penis has never burst instantaneously into flames either during or after conducting the experiment.

So if you feel the need to rub one out, so be it. I doubt you'll go straight to hell.

Permalink Reply by Chase on March 24, 2009 at 4:20am

I don't think that passion is a curse or wrong, but I do think there's a point of over-indulgence.

Yeah, we're sexual creatures... but giving in to our sex drives only feeds it. Just because it's there doesn't mean we have to give in... I feel that if it is unreasonable to ask people to wait for marriage it is because we, as a culture, have lost appreciation for self-control and, in our culture of now/instant-gratification, the ability to delay satisfaction for a greater good.

It's just a fact that our culture is over-sexed. We can't get away from it. I would propose that this in-your-face condition has led to an increased sex-drive and increased sexual-awareness in men and women, but I don't know that I could suggest this means we should give in wholly to the fire in our pants (and on our couches).

Sex is great, but: If we truly believe sex is best in a caring, committed (marital) relationship, I believe we would do well to strive for nothing less than that.

Permalink Reply by Charlee on March 24, 2009 at 4:27am

'Physical closeness can intensify a relationship, but often times it is a false intensity.'

You are right about that--relatively recently (I think) they actually found out that oxytocin (aka the 'snuggle chemical') is released during orgasm and causes a feeling of bond/bonding. So even though the emotional connection is not necessarily strong, the chemical's release/presence creates an environment for an intensity that is not necessarily entirely appropriate or warranted.

ANYWAY, is it unreasonable in what sense? In general? Or for people you are dating? Or what?

Generally speaking, I don't think it is completely unreasonable BUT I think people (i.e. people preaching abstinence-only education) fail to understand that not everyone shares their beliefs--even Sarah Palin's daughter (yeah, the teenage mother one) said it is 'unrealistic' to tell teenagers not to have sex. I kind of have to agree...if you really believe in not having sex, then that's awesome, but to have it forced upon you is really not reasonable or okay in my book. Also, sorry if I am coming on too strong but this brings back memories of my entire health class being forced to sign an abstinence pledge so we could get a prize. DUMB.

Also I have to say that sex is not dangerous or destructive in itself...usually it is the circumstances surrounding it. Which, I may add, can be present whether one is married or not.

Permalink Reply by Suz on March 24, 2009 at 8:48am

I agree that it is unreasonable to expect all teenagers to wait. If someone really believes that then they are in denial or delusional. I didn't wait. I only came to this conclusion after 10 years or so of heartbreak intensified by physical relationships and I'm still not sure if I can do it.

I was thinking of people I am dating. I can't say that I have ever known a guy that would really wait. I was just wondering if in today's society it is unreasonable to expect that of someone.

Permalink Reply by Charlee on March 25, 2009 at 12:50am

Well in that case I don't think it is unreasonable at all...in my opinion, one of the most important things to share with your lover is the things that are particularly important to you, and I think a belief like this is something that one certainly would want to share with a partner.

I don't think most guys I know would wait either, but I would tend to think someone you'd be attracted to would probably have similar ideas on this?

I have gone through phases of not having sex for various reasons (i.e. pretending i am an aspiring bhikkhuni) and my lovers have not been pleased with it, obviously, but I think they should at least appreciate your view on it and try to understand your mental vision of it...

Permalink Reply by Lisa on April 13, 2009 at 12:14pm

I don't think its unreasonable to expect anything of someone. If somebody isn't what you want, then keep looking!

Permalink Reply by Muppet on March 24, 2009 at 5:11am

Disclaimer so as to not be stoned: If you don't want to have sex yet, don't have sex. And if that's your decision and some guy can't deal with that decision, then he's the wrong guy.

BUT I have to say - nowadays, it's waaay risky to not test the waters.

I'm not saying go out and be hoey or anything.. But if you're with a guy, you're planning on getting married, and you haven't had sex with him? If you were a friend of mine I would tell you for the love of G-d and all that is holy - do it before you're married.

There are soooo many stories of people being compatible to the point of ridiculousness except for sexually - and to end up in a marriage with someone you're sexually incompatible with... That's torture. TORTURE. Especially since you seem to be religious, and most religions frown on divorce...

To use your fireplace analogy - sure you want your fire to stay in your fireplace, but you don't want to fully commit & be in debt to this dream home with a fireplace, only to find out it's some fire that can't light. Or some crazy fire that's cold. Or some fire that doesn't have enough.. logs? Or some fire that doesn't realize it likes men.

Sorry - tried to go with that fire analogy and it got a little out of control there, for a second... But you know, I would tell you if you're getting ready to pay for a car, you take it for a test drive, first.

But, again - if it's uber important to you to not test out the waters before marriage, then anyone who can't deal with that isn't right for you... It just may make dating a little more challenging than it would be otherwise.

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