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What are the most important discussions to have with your partner before making a life long commitment?
Hey Everyone,
I'm doing some research on different aspects of relationships, and wondering what you think are the most important discussions to have with your partner before you tie the knot? Specifics are helpful, not just "goals" and "dreams."
You could approach the question from this standpoint as well: What do you wish you would have discussed with your partner before you got married?
I'm looking forward to what people have to share!
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Angie on -
To be honest, Jen and I dated since I was 13 and got engaged when I was 16. During that time we shared every belief we had, whether it was spiritual, about our wedding, about future children, about our religion, etc., etc. It wasn't anything we *had* to discuss, but we love learning about one another. We got married when I was 18 and now are going on eight years together, four married!
I just think in a relationship, having somewhat of the same views is important. But what really matters is how you get along, how you treat each other and what you do together. Love, trust, respect, support, communication and passion are very important to both of us, and we had these when I was 13 and we still do. To me, that meant everything. To have a wife who loves me totally, who trusts in me with everything from daily little things to her life, the fact that she respects me and treats me well and supports me in everything I do. We talk always and often and honestly and we're the best of friends. And now, as we are married and together we are very passionate. About our shared goals and dreams, as well as in other ways. ;)
That's what love is to me, anyway. Having my soul mate. And having her believe that we are soul mates too. ♥
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Permalink Reply by Alexis on -
I'm married... we were conscious to discuss these things before we got married:
-how you are going to manage money/ financial goals
-how you plan to handle conflict (are you open to counseling- we were and started it immediately so to head of challenges)
-kids (when, how many, where to raise, etc.)
-relationship with parents (how involved/ not involved)
-adventure (are you up for it? Is stability more important?)
-God (the role of faith/ God in our lives)
those are just a few off the top of my head. I am really glad we discussed all this before we go married instead of making assumptions and getting blindsided...
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Permalink Reply by Alexis on
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COMPLETELY agree.
I have someone close to me who thought her husband would change his mind. He hasn't (and won't) and it is a serious point of contention in their relationship.
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Permalink Reply by Alexis on
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I think you are right. It is so much harder to see clearly when emotions are already involved.
Although it could be awkward first date conversation!
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Permalink Reply by Alexis on
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Is that something you would want to discuss on a first date?
Or is that too much to quick?
Actually, to be completely honest, both my husband and I were undecided about kids when we got married. We are at the point now where we are leaning towards... but as long as other criteria in our life is met....
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Permalink Reply by Alexis on
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In that context the conversation makes perfect sense.
As long as it isn't over a movie date and one person leans into another and something like "Are you planning to get married? Have kids? Cause those are deal breakers for me. Can you pass the Twizzlers?" (as other members of the audience shush them).
But in all seriousness. It is unfortunate when discovering that ends a budding relationship, but honestly, better than versus later...
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Permalink Reply by Gina on -
I agree with you, Gillian. I do think it's a little funny that on the "What do you consider a deal-breaker" thread, I said that I would stop dating a man if he didn't want to get married or have kids, and people thought I was a crazy person. But if you flat out want different things, and neither of you is going to change, what's the point in pretending otherwise?
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Permalink Reply by A on -
I think money is a hugely important thing to talk about. My fiance and I were raised in pretty different circumstances- my family didn't have much money at all, and his had quite a bit but didn't really act like it. That makes me very prone to freaking out about money- money is more of a security issue for me, whereas it's a tool for him. That sometimes causes conflict right there.
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Permalink Reply by Brittney on -
Not to sound totally snooty, but I don't think there would be anything additional we needed to discuss. BUT!!! That's only because we really focused on talking about eeeeeeeeverything beforehand. I think a ton of people touch base on basics: Do you want kids? Do you want to live here? and sort of neglect a lot of what ifs?
Things like.. How do we handle if we have fertility issues? How do we handle if one of us changes their mind about children? How do we approach if we find our child has a medical/learning disability? Will either of us want/need to be a stay at home parent? What happens if one of us loses our job and the other doesn’t feel they are looking hard enough for a new one? Where do we want to spend holidays? Do we want to keep personal savings/checking accounts alongside a joint account system? Is there such thing as innocent flirting? What constitutes crossing a line for either of us? What happens if one us gains 100 lbs, can we be so brutally honest to talk with the other about health concerns and any attraction issues? What are end goals for life, as far as how simply you could live or how big life needs to be? What faith are each of you? If it differs, how will children be raised? What happens if your faith changes (gain faith, lose faith, change faith, etc)? Who is in charge of cleaning? Who is in charge of landscaping? Dishes? Feeding pets? Scooping litterboxes? Dinner?
I think the biggest ones to really dig into are the more obvious: belief, finance, children… but no marriage can last HAPPILY without really being in sync with the rest. We actually made a game and read through, “1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married” and found it really fun and insightful, even though we knew each other intensely well.
I’m fortunate enough to be in a very happy, even-partnered marriage… but of the marriages I know that could use improvement, the areas they didn’t really dive into seemed to be really properly dividing up chores, better methods at seeing eye to eye and TALKING about finances and children. I think really, when it boils down, OPEN and HONEST lines of communication are key. Another cheesy, but true line? I think “the couple that plays together stays together.”
I can say anything to my husband and we push past issues as a team – and we also have multiple hobbies we can do together, even if its simple things like walking the dogs for an hour each night, giving us a chance to chat and daydream together completely unplugged and away from a TV or laptop or iPhone screen … and when I come across wives who hide little shopping purchases, husbands who can’t pitch in and vacuum or load a dishwasher and worn out partners who work 60 hours a week to cover expenses when the wife doesn’t work and won’t speak up and ask her to? It just amazes me. And brings me right back to communication, honesty and enjoying each others company!
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Permalink Reply by Jessie May Kezele on -
Wow, thanks so much for everyone's input so far!
Brittany, your response was so helpful. All of those seemingly little questions you mentioned are exactly the kinds of input I was looking for.
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Permalink Reply by Holly Young on -
I second all the above comments. Therefore, I'm going to go at it kind of from a different angle...the "what do you wish you WOULD HAVE discussed before you got married"
I think we did a great job of talking about the "Important Stuff." As mentioned above...
However, I think we kind of neglected the little-everyday-stuff...that seem minor, but can really cause hurt feelings/disappointment...esp. on the wife's part (haha).
Home LIfe: Do you like a lot of personal effects as decor or do you prefer a more clean, bare, modern look? Where will most of our decor be purchased? Does second hand stuff creep you out? What makes something 'cozy' to you? What are your pet peeves as far as housework?
Finances: GROCERIES! How often to you buy? How do you plan your meals? Do you make a list, etc. Will you go together to shop or will you go alone? Do you have a preference about this?
Holidays: Will we open presents as a couple? Will we do it the night before a gift-giving holiday or the night of?
Pets: Yes/No? What kind? How many?
Misc: How do you like to be "loved?" Is it with gifts, time, personal touch, etc. (Check out the 5 love languages book)
How will we spend our Saturdays? Do we do "chores" little by little over the week or is that what the weekend is for?
These are just a few that come to mind. I think we did a lot of groundwork before we got married, BUT it's impossible to cover everything, right? These questions would have saved us from those "Why in the world have you covered every inch of our wall space with framed pictures and antique plates?" kinds of conversations. Guilty as charged, by the way.:)
Well, we haven't killed each other, yet. Haha....all joking aside, we're really happy. I think the important thing is to get along b/c you GET ALONG...not because you don't communicate simply to "keep the peace."
This is such an interesting topic, and something I feel I learn more and more about everyday. Great thread!
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