a whole lot of help my way please...?

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Daniela on May 12, 2009 at 8:25am

I think that it's hard to go back to what it used to be like, people grow and change- who you were your first time around with him may not be who you are now. Maybe you guys can start to do new things together that you never did in your old relationship. Look at this relationship as a clean slate, and not as an extension of your old relationship.

Permalink Reply by Irene on May 12, 2009 at 9:46am

I agree with Dani. . but speaking from my personal experience, it'd be very hard for me also. it's not that I fully don't believe in second chances, but I personally have a tendency of giving it my all the first time around and when the other person screws up just to later realize it and try to come back into my life, I have a very hard time letting them in. VERY hard time because the initial pain and agony caused by the heartbreak wants me to shut the door completely and never open it again. It's not always good. . people DO change. for the better. but fear usually holds us back from believing that. .

No love is the same, like no two people are never the same, so while maybe he, indeed, has changed and has been trying to prove to you that you can trust him this time around, etc., you have changed as well - just in a different way and I'm gonna stop describing how you are now/feel/have changed because well, you already know that best.

Honestly, I say try to just put it all behind you, to the best of your abilities. If you REALLY love him, want to be with him and work things out, try to not let the past get in the way of your present and future. It's all pretty much within you - he can only do so much, you know? Do listen to your gut though. If you see that it's not working, let things be for a while and maybe you will differently in time.

Good luck and keep us posted!

Permalink Reply by the.lifestyle.artist on May 15, 2009 at 4:45pm

Hi Randzo,

ok first i'll say one thing. How you feel when you are with him is how he feels. If you feel happy and comfortable and secure then he will too. It's called 'pacing & leading'. And how do u do that? Ok well i always say... to change your guy's behaviour > change your behaviour. To change your behaviour > change your mood. And to change your mood > change your thoughts.

Right now to change your thoughts you have to change the way you perceive 1) yourself 2) him and 3) ur relationship. Its seems you are coming from a place of insecurity. The main fear is him leaving u again. U need to deal with this fear that you have by realising a few things and accepting them. Because only then can you truly begin to love the situation you are in:

1) This is not a negative situation. You are both in love and trying again. Wow that is amazing. Instead of seeing this as something that could repeat history... see it as a way to change history. You have been given another chance. If you don't appreciate it then you may lose it because you're focusing too much on the outcome being different than actually enjoying what the relationship is.... "time spent together". look for the positives not the negatives. The key is attraction. as that will stop him leaving more than anything. postiive ppl are attractive

2) Open up to him and he will open up to you. Love is like that. e.g. when u are honest but firm... it inspires the same from others. Be his inspiration. You be how you want him to be. To change anyone in ur life u must first change urself ;) Its a slow process but not impossible. I've seen friends take my advice and transform their relationships. Set urself on goal a month e.g. i want him to touch me more. how do u do this? touch him more. make it the most natural thing in the world. and when he does it back to u (ppl can't help mirroring) the reward him with words of affirmation. "wow i love it when u hold me like this" or "that kiss made me all tingly... do it again".

2) Realise that there are no guarantees in life. Even if you both got married and had kids. that doesn't mean u will stay together. Things always end. Its the journey u took to get there that is the most important and the glue to keeping it from ending. if u were both 'hot & heavy' always it still doesn't mean u will stay together. Take the pressure off yourself and enjoy it and relax. as soon as you do you'll see a difference. a laid back attitude = the guy feeling that u are easy and fun to be around and more likely to spend time with u. again build the attraction.

3) add more value into your life that is not focused on him. u can't keep him with you by "stepping on eggshells". He will sense u are feeling uncertain and then react by pulling away. which in turn makes u more upset. This is a bad spiral into an argument or a cold front. My advice is to focus more on you and what you are doing that is positive in ur life. u can't be positive and worry at the same time. Change the underlying vibe from worry to motivation and good energy. Do things that make u happy and challenge you. He will see a stronger more independent side of u and instantly be more attracted/intrigued/proud and u'll have more things to talk about. How many guys do u know that have said. yeah i broke up with her because she was always so inspiring and motivated and off doing her own things.

Here are four behaviours that i would say avoid. I'm mentioning them here cos you have pointed out in ur post that u have/are doing at least one (no 1). They are attraction killers :( for every behaviour you are going to do think "is it one of the four?" first! lol

1) Trading Emotions or mirroring negative behaviours - basically if he acts distant u act distant etc. Why is this bad? I always say don't fight fire with fire. It will just make things worse. u need to lead with behaviour that u would want from him. not copy him... if that makes sense. If u had to pull away what would u want him to react like? basically if he pulls away thats fine. he's allowed to. it keeps things fresh and lets u miss each other. And missing is good for any relationship. it tells u that u want to be with him and reminds u both not to take it for granted Just let him go but don't not contact him. A call or text every couple of days with a joke or look what i saw today is a nice way to keep things flowing. Of course if he doesn't reply then don't chase (chasing is following up after a non-response). If he is responding then he is interested.... just too busy to be more active. When he is being active again u can take a passive interest. The key is to keep interest and when u do speak keep it light/fun or flirty.

2) approval seeking - acting/thinking in a way that only takes his thoughts, needs and wants into consideration but makes u unhappy. its fine to do nice things for people we love... but it has to make u happy to otherwise you are selling ur desires in this relationship down the river. He will lose respect very quickly if he can predict ur reactions. From that comes a feeling that he is always in control of u. and then he will no longer feel attracted. Always know what u want and what makes u happy and focus on that, and he will always respect you and want to be with u more. If being honest with ur bf how u feel will make u happy the go for it. ur settling for less if u don't and he won't thank u for it. How can he when he's not with a 'real' person but a person u think he wants. and further more.... u can't know what he wants. only he knows that

3) Ultimatums - don't make demands in exchange for keeping ur love etc. It will only create pressure and push ur guy to choose the route he knows better. which is being single

4) Convincing - trying to sell your relationship to a guy and why he should be with u. If u have to tell him then you've already lost him cos he should know. and if u try to convince someone to buy into your love it never lasts longer than the sale.

ok sorry to put so much in but i could talk for days. hope it was helpful? If u ever wanna chat lemme know. ;)

Lx

Permalink Reply by Randzo on May 18, 2009 at 9:22am

wow... wanna be my "life cleaner" ?

some of the things you have here i know very well and i suppose would give the same advice to someone else. i guess the issue comes in in the implementation hay...??? working hard on that.

i read this on monday morning after a weekend of realization.
this weekend, had a whole lot of ideas for him and i and was dissaponted when he didnt call back to confirm if he was available. now two reactions i could do:
1) call him all upset on why he hell he hasnt told me if he will be around o not. tell him all upset that i had the perfact weekend planned an that by him not calling, he had messed them all up. then i could sulk and call all my girlfriends and moan about how much of a cow he is.

2) i could just act cool and make no fuss about it. so what that he didnt confirm with me. i would go ahead and make other plans and nicly turn him down when he did finaly call saturday late afternoon.

which did i take? an amended version of the second one.
i made other plans with a friend - yes. he called later - yes but simply to say "hay" and brief me on his day. i acted cool, told him thats grate and when he turned my offer to come over down, simply said cool (in a relaxed manner) and said i would see him around. he said ok cool and we hung up.

Now i was totally pissed that he turned me down but made no huge fuss about it to him. result: we wnt out friday night and he was absolutly amazing. touched me a lot and a whole lot of cuddling.

i learned two things from this and im glad too. i suppose had i sulked about it, he would have pulled back. he even called later just to say good night.... (sweet).

Permalink Reply by the.lifestyle.artist on May 25, 2009 at 1:56pm

ohhh i must have missed your reply to this. How are things now?

One thing i will say is that if he continues to not 'confirm' with you and you need confirmation... call him out on that behaviour. I always think if you would put up with it with a friend, then its ok. If not then call it out. ppl treat you how you train them. I would do something like the following if he does it again:

"Hey you haven't confirmed for this weekend again. Its not really fair and you kinda fucked up my plans by being flaky again. I don't mind if you're busy but not confirming plans Is not something i tolerate too well. But hey you didn't know so no worries. i'll let you off this time ;) just try not to do it again?

Anyway how was your week? this happened to me.... (something positive) lol!

end it with a joke or a flirty line. Keep it light. The key is to always say when your upset but do it in an adult speaking to a child kind of manner? So no moaning or nagging lol. Get to the point as soon as possible. Say what it is he did that annoyed you. then say why you understand why he did it but ask him not to do it again in future. negotiate him making it up to you. then drop it.

Also let him chase you for a bit or make plans. Don't be scared you may not see him. if he wants to see he will make the time.

Let me know how it goes x