Relationships die in graduate school?

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Princess Pointful on November 7, 2008 at 2:14pm

A few statistics (because grad students love these, yes?)
Five of us in my incoming cohort- 2 married, 2 in serious cohabiting relationships, 1 single.

Now, more than four years in...
Both of the marriages have ended in divorce. However, one is getting remarried, and the other has just started dating again.
One of the cohabiting relationships ended up in a wedding this summer. The other (my own) ended-- but I am living with my new(er) fellow, and am much happier than I've ever been.
One still single.

So, in my experience, it can be pretty hard on relationships... but you can make it work. I think you just need to be really honest about the realities, including moving, time commitments, etc.
I think the reason my current relationship has gone so well is that he is a grad student, too!

Permalink Reply by Kalen on January 8, 2009 at 4:04pm

... is it true as in statistically? i'm not sure. so my opinion is based just on personal experience.

i would say it's difficult to have a relationship while in grad school - especially if you are also working, also a parent, also *insert other major responsibility*. i think it's also difficult to have a relationship in a lot of other scenarios, and surely that shouldn't prevent anyone from being in one!

i am married and starting my first year of grad school next week. i'm really not worried about it at all, because luckily - we had a strong foundation going on. plus, he's extremely supportive & we're both motivated to make this work. of course, i'm not in a doctoral program - but still. i don't think it would be ridiculous to possibly suggest counseling or some other form of "accountability." you also have to decide what is more important to you - the person, or the profession?

Permalink Reply by Habbala on January 11, 2009 at 10:14pm

See, I feel like relationships ending might be correlated with the age must of us are. I live with my boyfriend, and we were together for a year and a half before moving in together. And I even though I have been stressed and there has been growing pains and adjustments to be made... but it'll work if its supposed to. If my boyfriend and I don't make it, I wouldn't blame it on graduate school.. it would just be because it wasn't the right person at the right time.

Permalink Reply by Julia on November 3, 2009 at 9:28am

continuing on the original question, does anyone have any advice about long-distance relationship during grad school? it seems like even couple who live together during grad school have trouble, so it's making me a little nervous about making my relationship long distance. I live in rome, and so does my boyfriend, and weve been together for a year and a half, but it's about to get kind of dicey: i'll be in spain from jan to april, then back in italy for a bit, and then back in the states (probably) for grad school next fall. we've talked about it a lot, but i dont think all the preparation in the world can prepare a couple for a transatlantic long distance period of up to 2 years. any advice?

Permalink Reply by Oats on December 16, 2009 at 10:01am

I found having a long distance relationship to be easier because we didn't have the time to spend with one another. Phone calls late at night and webcams on weekends... We moved in together and then got married all while I was in grad school.

I've mostly seen it strengthen relationshipts.

Permalink Reply by Coyote Tits on November 14, 2009 at 11:11am

I haven't seen this at all. Most of my Grad School friends are in serious relationships, several of them planning their weddings. A couple others have started relationships while in grad school, which i think is a little bit harder. Now granted most of these relationships are between two people who are both in grad school at the same time, or one person in grad school and their significant other applying to go to grad school. I only 2 couples where one person is in grad school and the other person is out in the working world. So maybe that's the trick to it, both people have to be going through grad school hell together.

Permalink Reply by Damilola Daramola on November 30, 2009 at 4:26pm

I don't believe that they die, but it does depend on when the relationship was initiated. I think if it began before grad school, the change in environment places a strain on the relationship because the relationship has gone from seeing each other often to long-distance.
I met my girlfriend in grad school and shortly after she went back to her state while I was still completing my education. We were pretty much long-distance for the better part of 2 years before she moved back over here. I can say that the distance has strengthened the relationship because it was based more on communication and less on the physical side of the relationship. It made me reach out to her in other ways and vice versa and I think at the end that's the foundation. The distance creates the need for finding creative ways to be around each other and that in itself keeps things fresh.

Permalink Reply by Ninja in a Mazda on December 15, 2009 at 10:51pm

One semester from graduation, and still married. Is it slightly more stressful, yes...but for better or worse, right? Friendships on the other hand have all but gone dormant. Unfortunately, priorities are limited to family, school, work, basic personal hygiene, and then friends. I have met some resistance, but I figure that if they don't want to support a positive thing like this in my life, then how good of a friend are they?

So, that's a bit more deep than the good old days of drama about someone not pitching in enough money for beer.

Permalink Reply by abby on December 16, 2009 at 10:18am

I don't think that relationships die in grad school. In fact, I think that is rather ridiculous. I agree with the previous assertions that if you break up in the duration of attaining your degree, you probably weren't in a strong relationship to begin with. I am a newlywed, full-time teacher and grad school student. My husband supports me in everything and vice versa, he is not a graduate student, but he knows how important this is for me and he is happy I am achieving my goals. If we broke up over something as minor as my having to do classwork instead of hanging out with him, then we weren't meant to be. Luckily, our relationship has a very strong foundation after living together for almost 3 years during our undgergrad years.

Permalink Reply by Michelle on December 16, 2009 at 11:10am

i think it depends on the couple. my last grad school attempt got sidetracked, in part, because of my relationship. when i started making efforts to apply to another university, my relationship suffered. my ex was not terribly understanding about my time constraints and refused to acknowledge that he was a major distraction. we broke up, and i've been admitted to a school (two months later). i've decided to take an official relationship vacation while i work on the program. right now, my degree/career is the most important thing in my life :)

Permalink Reply by TherapeuticRamblings on December 16, 2009 at 7:06pm

It depends how big your cohort/class is in graduate school. In medical school there are probably 200-300 other students, so the pool is larger. If there are 5 people in your cohort...I'd look elsewhere. Frankly I'd look outside of the department, just in case.

Permalink Reply by Whitney on April 20, 2010 at 1:30am

I don't think this is true at all, but then again, it will depend on the individual person. If they are willing to put in the extra time and effort, the relationship may need, than good. If not, oh well.

In my particular program, a lot of people are married and have kids. I have time to do tons of stuff, because I don't work. I just go to school. I'm in an accelerated program, so we go all year round. We only go two days a week; Fridays 4pm-9pm and Saturdays 9am-4pm.

I do remember one of our professors mentioning a woman who was getting her PhD. She rarely focused on her relationship, so it suffered. Her degree was way more important to her. On her graduation day, her husband left her. She neglected him, and just didn't care about him the entire time she was in school.

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