Allow Yourself To Be Unbalanced By Love

"To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life." - Elizabeth Gilbert

Remember that. Better yet, live that.

Everywhere you turn lately people are talking about finding balance in life. From religious sects, spiritual leaders and life coaches to blogs, books and even the movies. Elizabeth Gilbert’s New York Times Best Selling Book "Eat Pray Love" recently made the move from chick lit to chick flick, but her story isn’t new. Here is yet another tale of a woman wanting to flee from her life as she goes through a quarter-life crisis. During this mental and emotional meltdown, she divorces her husband and purchases countless self-help books. When those fail to fix what she deems broken, she decides to quit her job, sells everything she owns and runs away to unfamiliar worlds (Italy, India and Bali). In these foreign lands she will live for a year (4 months in each) with hopes she will "find herself." Sure, strong Miss Independent women are highly attractive to me and there is something inherently sexy about traveling abroad. However, as I sat in the theater with my sister (brother brownie points to me for taking her to a chick flick) and she marveled at the exquisite food, the plethora of accents and the breath taking scenery...all I marveled at was how unbelievably beautiful Julia Robert’s smile is! But my schoolboy crush on a Hollywood celebrity is not what this post is about. Nor is it a review of her latest movie. This post is about an "ah-ha moment" we can all discover for ourselves without needing to flee the country to discover it.

A lot of us are control freaks. We are reluctant to give up the reins to anyone or anything, including love. The second we start to sense we are losing grip on a situation, AKA falling in love, we feel the overwhelming urge to pull back instead of allowing ourselves to let it flow through us like rain. To some, falling hopelessly in love with another human being is incredibly frightening because they feel as if they are going to wash away. They fear becoming so submerged in this new person and new relationship that they will lose a sense of who they are and the life they set out to live. But for those that realize it’s sometimes necessary to be temporarily unbalanced in/by love in order to live a balanced life, their identity remains intact. They keep the same core values, goals and dreams. They remain a "me" first and a "we" second.

If you’ve ever been in love, you understand the roller coaster of emotions that comes with it. And when it comes to roller coasters there are 3 types of riders:

• Those too frightened to ever climb aboard for fear of being out of control.
• Those who climb aboard with hesitation and ride white knuckled, anxious for it to end so they can regain control.
• Those who jump right in, throw their hands in the air, relinquish all control and just enjoy the ride...to wherever it takes them and for however long it lasts.

A roller coaster, like love, can leave you feeling dizzy. But isn’t that dizzy state the best part of love? They are the first thought on your mind before you’re fully awake in the morning, the final thought on your mind before you fall asleep at night and a constant thought passing through your mind during the day. I’m fine with not being completely in control of my heart. I’m fine with the sick, queasy feeling I sometimes get in the pit of my stomach at noon because it’s balanced out by the warm, fluttering in my chest I receive at midnight by something as simple as a smiley face message on my phone. Our heart is the most vulnerable part of our body. So to give our heart to someone and relinquish that power is understandably scary, but it’s also empowering and freeing. It’s the same reason why people like music and dancing and drinking. They all temporarirly make you lose control, as does love.

To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life.

So while we struggle to live this balanced life that we are constantly being preached to about, perhaps love is best left out of that balanced mix. Afterall, if the heart is the most vulnerable part of the body, then love surely is the strongest emotion the heart emits. And isn’t that balance in itself? Tying the weakest part of the body to the strongest emotion known to man?

Or maybe I’m just trying to start a campaign against conventional and predictable love. How unbelievably boring and unromantic would that relationship be!

Confessions Of A Startup Founder And CEO

If you’ve been reading my blog for awhile now, you probably know I’m the Founder and CEO of a Network Security Consulting company. But if you really knew me, you would know that although that title may sound fancy and somewhat impressive, there is a side to it that is anything but glamorous. And when it comes to the less than glamorous side of our lives, we are reluctant to share those stories. We are more than happy to boast about tripling revenues, hiring additional employees, signing new clients and expanding our business internationally. But along the way mistakes are made and tiny tragedies take place...all which we hide, or at least don’t willingly share. So when I recently ran into an ex-girlfriend in a NY café and she asked how things were going, I didn’t lie to her, but I did omit some truth. I lied by omission. I purposely left out the less than glamorous side. Here is the confession she did not hear.

For us, payday is the 1st and 15th of every month. And every 1st and 15th of every month I sign seven paychecks, one to each of my employees and one to myself. For the past few paydays, I’ve only been signing six. No one has been laid off, fired or quit. And all my employees have received their checks in full. So you do the math.

There is a show on MTV called If You Really Knew Me. It’s a perfect example of how we all wear masks in life. Like putting our best foot forward, we also put our best face forward. In the show teens are asked to take off their masks and complete this sentence infront of their peers - "If you really knew me, you would know..." Completing that sentence sheds new light on who you truly are as a person, what it’s really like to be you. It’s not just teenagers that wear masks though, adults do too. That’s why that show came to mind when I was talking with my ex in that café. Of course when we were dating she knew me well. Although that was then and this is now. And now...

• If you really knew me, you would know I have been working 70+ hour weeks (for weeks) without a paycheck.
• If you really knew me, you would know that for the first 2 years of my own startup I couldn’t afford to give myself a paycheck and I NEVER thought today I would be back in that same position. For that, I feel ashamed.
• If you really knew me, you would know that I stayed up until 4am last night crunching numbers and putting new plans into place.
• If you really knew me, you would know that I come into work every day with a smile on my face and a positive attitude to ensure everyone around me that we are fine - that I’m not worried and their jobs are secure.
• If you really knew me, you would know that despite how calm and confident I appear on the outside, I’m currently feeling frazzled and unsure of the immediate future.
• If you really knew me, you would know that I’ve learned far more from my failures than my successes in life. And although this "rough patch" is definitely a learning experience for me, I refuse to allow my baby (AKA, my first startup) to become a mere "learning experience." That is not the legacy I had in mind when I gave birth to it and it’s not the legacy I want to leave behind if I should one day sell it.

I remind myself of the tremendous growth and success this company has experienced in such a short existence. And these people aren’t just my employees. I consider them my friends as well. They are like a second family to me. And while I’ve always stood by my motto "I’m your boss first and your friend second," the truth is the Mother bear in me feels obligated to protect them. So I cut myself in the process of saving them, rather than allow them to get cut and bleed on their own. If the wound was deeper, this would not be smart business. But a few scrapes I can take. I’m not going hungry or homeless. I’ve put myself in a financial situation where I am able to survive without a paycheck, at least for now.

I didn’t tell her any of that stuff because not only is it entirely too much detail, but it’s also too heavy and depressing for a passing chat. Besides, I wanted to put my best foot/face forward so I gave her the short, rose-tinted version. While I’m not looking to impress her, I’m also not looking to openly humiliate myself either. Nor did I want pity or a heroic pat on the back for taking one for the team. I just wanted to wear a simple, happy mask.

I've always admired people who can just put it out there and say..."Hey, this is who I am. I'm beautiful and ugly. There are things I'm proud of, things I'm ashamed of. Sometimes I'm smart and sometimes I'm stupid. Sometimes I win and sometimes I lose, but I always give it a good fight." And I always love hearing inspiring stories of people who continue to fight and become great successes in life. But only if their story of success includes the stories of how much they fucked up, failed and got rejected along the way. Not because I enjoy a painful journey, but because I enjoy a journey that’s real! And that’s exactly why I’m sharing this confession.

Because it’s real. Mask removed. End scene.


***NOTE***
Related post of interest. 6/9/09 - Skater Fag

How To Be Alone

If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you’ve not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren’t okay with it, then just wait. You’ll find it’s fine to be alone once you’re embracing it.

We can start with the acceptable places - the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper. Where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You’re not supposed to talk much anyway, so it’s safe there. There is also the gym. If you’re shy, you can hang out with yourself and mirrors. You can put headphones in. And there’s public transportation, because we all got to go places. And there’s prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you’re hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously avoided based on your avoid being alone principles.

The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by “chow downers.” Employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town. And so they, like you, will be alone. Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone. When you are comfortable with “eat lunch and run,” take yourself out for dinner - a restaurant with linen and silverware. You’re no less intriguing a person when you are eating solo desert and cleaning the whip cream from the dish with your finger. In fact, some people at full tables will wish they were where you were. Go to the movies. Where it’s dark and soothing, alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.

And then take yourself out dancing, to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor until the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one’s watching, because they’re probably not. And if they are, assume it is with best human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, afterall, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you’re sweating. And beads of perspiration remind you of life’s best things. Down your back like a brook of blessings.

Go to the woods alone. And the trees and squirrels will watch for you. Go to an unfamiliar city. Roam the streets. They are always statues to talk to. And benches made for sitting gives strangers a shared existence if only for a minute. And these moments can be so uplifting and the conversation you get in by sitting alone on benches might have never happened had you not been there by yourself.

Society is afraid of alone though. Like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements. Like people must have problems if after awhile no one is dating them. But lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless. And lonely is healing if you make it.

You can stand swaffed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner. Look both further and farther in the endless quest for company. But no one is in your head. And by the time you translate your thoughts some essence of them may be lost. Or perhaps it is just kept. Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself. Perhaps all those sappy slogans from pre-school over to high school groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. ‘Cause if you’re happy in your head, then solitude is blessed and alone is okay.

It’s okay if no one believes like you. All experiences unique. No one has the same synapses. Can’t think like you. For this we’re relieved. Keeps things interesting. Life’s magic brings much. And it doesn’t mean you aren’t connected. The community is not present. Just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. Take silence and respect it. If you have an art that needs a practice stop neglecting it. If your family doesn’t get you or a religious sect is not meant for you, don’t obsess about it. You could be in an instant surrounded if you need it. If your heart is bleeding, make the best of it. There is heat in freezing be a testament.