My weekends are starting to feel like desperate pauses in an endlessly deafening battle. With shells still ringing in my ears, I scramble around, taking stock of the situation. I snatch a few hours of sleep, feeling as if I’ve stolen them from a stockpile that isn’t mine and I’ll have to give them back when the theft is discovered. I do my best to forestall the coming storm, the resumption in hostilities when the Bouncing Betties and Moaning Minnies will screech overhead, turning my…

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More and more these days, spending a weekend at “home” (at my parents’ house) feels like taking a vacation from reality. It’s a chance to take a deep breath, unlock my clenched jaw and put aside the everyday stressors. I’ll even, as with this weekend, unplug and let the pull of this blog dissolve just the tiniest bit. It’s not always easy. Even when I’m unsure of my words, the time I spend over coffee thinking of what to say here is an appointment with myself that it irritates me to…

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I slid back into bed, pulling the blankets up to my chin, after calling in sick to work for the second day in a row. But (and this is one of the reasons why this blog will remain anonymous for as long as I can manage it) the ache in my stomach had nothing to do with the bug I claimed to have and everything to do with something I had been expecting for awhile now. It was the brick wall of, “I don’t want to do this anymore,” and it referred to everything from the job that drove me crazy to…

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Does disappointment ever get easier to deal with? Whether it’s a man that didn’t call back, or a job that, well didn’t call back, disappointment can hit like a fresh wound every time. Even for someone like me who has built up a fairly thick shield of armor, not getting what you want can get under your skin. It makes your stomach drop to your toes and tears well up in those beautiful eyes. And only through repeated exposure do you learn how to let it pass and move on.

 

The other…

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A few months ago, I read The Secret, by Rhonda Byrne. Because that’s what you do when you want something, especially when you’re unemployed and feel like you’ve tried everything. But like a lot of people, I had a bit of a hard time with it. It wasn’t because I was being too logical and couldn’t put my faith into this ethereal belief that you could get what you want simply by believing it’s yours. That of course crossed my mind. I’ve always had a hard time with faith without… Continue

I’ve been thinking a lot about paths lately. I’ve come to the conclusion that life is a journey and mine does not consist of a dead sprint to the top. But, when you feel like you’re getting lapped, it’s hard not to wonder if you might be better off on the fast track. But I’ve actually spent time on that track. When I thought I knew what I… Continue

I’ve been a bad blogger. No posts for nearly a week? No bueno. But what can I say? Life happens sometimes. In this case, it’s life caused by going from zero to sixty before the engine turns over. Clearly I’m not a car person because I’m not entirely sure if that’s possible. And I imagine that even if it were, it would be really bad, like hey you need a new engine bad. Which makes it a perfect (though flawed) metaphor for my current state. Because I most certainly need a new engine… Continue

It seems like I’m always rushing towards something, even if it seems far away. When I was a kid, I wanted to be grown up, always imagining that a different age would get me there. Being grown up meant I could do what I wanted, have my own money, and go where I wanted when I wanted. Soon, that undefined freedom that I looked forward to became demarcated into various milestones: At sixteen I could drive, partially satisfying my desire to go. At eighteen I could vote, sign a… Continue

Far from faking it, there are some days when I just want to throw my hands in the air and say, enough. Enough trying so hard, enough doing what’s expected of me, just enough! Those are the days when I debate the feasibility of quitting my job, chopping my hair off, getting a new tattoo, jumping on a plane to Istanbul or Bora Bora or anywhere that I’ve…

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