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5 Reasons Why Eating Peanut Butter Sandwiches Totally Rulez
Lately, I've been fielding a lot of questions (read: getting a lot of shit) from my friend Spanish concerning my monochromatic lunch habits. I don't guess I can blame him - I mean, he's Spanish. This kind of thing probably freaks him out. But I digress, because he's from Mexico. Or Cuba. Or somewhere. Who cares?
The truth is that I DO eat the same thing (almost) every day: one or two peanut butter sandwiches with chips and water. Yes, it's boring. Yes, it gets old. And yes, some people begin to question my sanity after more than a year of the same menu item.
But you know what, Spanish? This is Fake British Accent. And when last I checked, I was the one entering the material. You want to create a rival blog called "Real Mexican Accent That Annoys Everyone At The Lunch Table"? Be my guest, but until that happens, I will continue to have the indelible right to defend my eating habits. So sit back, pour a tall boy's worth of two-percent, high-five a jar of Skippy, and enjoy as I present THE FIVE REASONS WHY EATING PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICHES TOTALLY RULEZ IN MY MOUTH YUUUUUUMMMMMMMM BITCHEZ...
Reason Number One: I like going out on the weekends. Let's face the facts: I'm 25 years old, and I like cuttin' rugz with my awesome feet. But my feet aren't awesome unless my head is swimming and my liver is deteriorating. Also, I'm not a woman, so it takes more than two mixed drinks for me to enter a state of complete rug-cuttin' ILLNE$$. Therefore, I need to stockpile my funds during the week in order to buy many many many beers on the weekends. This can only happen by purchasing my week's lunch in advance: one loaf of bread ($2.29), one jar of peanut butter (2.49) and one bag of chips (2.50) on Sunday night. $7.28 on lunch for the entire week? I'll take it.
Reason Number Two: Peanut Butter isn't awful for you. Actually, it's pretty amazing for you. Plenty of potassium! Sans the trans (fat that is, boom shaka laka!), and enough protein per serving to qualify as a post-workout meal. To hell with Jared's all-Subway diet. Subscribe to Austin's all-peanut butter diet!
Which leads me to reason number three...
Reason Number Three: Peanut Butter goes with everything! This isn't so much a reason as it is a scientific fact. I eat peanut butter with jelly; I eat peanut butter with tomatoes! I eat it with bananas, and I eat it with tortilla chips. Bell peppers? Yep. Lucky Charms? For sure. Hamburger Meat? Shit, it's better than taco seasoning. With this in mind, your choices are practically limitless come lunchtime. If ever you see someone eating a peanut butter sandwich with nothing else on it, steal his sandwich, take one bite out of it, spit it out, yell "STOP COMPROMISING YOUR LIFE!!!" and slap him in the face with it! Then give it back to him, because peanut butter is also amazing by itself, and he probably read this blog post.
Reason Number Four: You probably wouldn't drink milk otherwise. I dare you to refute this. Cereal doesn't count, because it's required (unless you're manly/broke enough to suffer through a bowl of beereal). Not only is milk an excellent source of many necessary vitamins and minerals, it also tastes awesome with peanut butter sandwiches! In fact, I would contend that there is no more satisfying beverage to enjoy alongside a peanut butter sandwich. Challenges? Anyone? Buehler? Yeah, that's right. Go home.
Reason Number Five: Eating Peanut Butter Gets You Laid: Okay, this is a little farfetched, but hear me out and follow me if you can: what is usually always on the same grocery store aisle as peanut butter? If you answered jelly, you are absolutely right. And what is next to jelly? Honey. And what is next to honey? Syrup. And who likes honey and syrup? Oh Jebus, I'm glad you asked. There are two types of people who love honey and syrup: overweight middle-aged dudes who are trapped in unfulfilling marriages and want nothing more than to enjoy their Eggo, and 20-something sluts who like using syrup and honey as edible body wash. I'm not a betting man, but if I were, I would bet my next paycheck that a line like, "I'd love to Peter your Pan," would go over like bombs over Baghdad. Buy a loofah, homiez.
Take that, Spanish. Keep spending redonkulous amounts of money on Breadwinners, because I'm the one reaping the benefits with syrup sluts!!!
YankeeHotelFox-To-The-Trot,
Austin
The truth is that I DO eat the same thing (almost) every day: one or two peanut butter sandwiches with chips and water. Yes, it's boring. Yes, it gets old. And yes, some people begin to question my sanity after more than a year of the same menu item.
But you know what, Spanish? This is Fake British Accent. And when last I checked, I was the one entering the material. You want to create a rival blog called "Real Mexican Accent That Annoys Everyone At The Lunch Table"? Be my guest, but until that happens, I will continue to have the indelible right to defend my eating habits. So sit back, pour a tall boy's worth of two-percent, high-five a jar of Skippy, and enjoy as I present THE FIVE REASONS WHY EATING PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICHES TOTALLY RULEZ IN MY MOUTH YUUUUUUMMMMMMMM BITCHEZ...
Reason Number One: I like going out on the weekends. Let's face the facts: I'm 25 years old, and I like cuttin' rugz with my awesome feet. But my feet aren't awesome unless my head is swimming and my liver is deteriorating. Also, I'm not a woman, so it takes more than two mixed drinks for me to enter a state of complete rug-cuttin' ILLNE$$. Therefore, I need to stockpile my funds during the week in order to buy many many many beers on the weekends. This can only happen by purchasing my week's lunch in advance: one loaf of bread ($2.29), one jar of peanut butter (2.49) and one bag of chips (2.50) on Sunday night. $7.28 on lunch for the entire week? I'll take it.
Reason Number Two: Peanut Butter isn't awful for you. Actually, it's pretty amazing for you. Plenty of potassium! Sans the trans (fat that is, boom shaka laka!), and enough protein per serving to qualify as a post-workout meal. To hell with Jared's all-Subway diet. Subscribe to Austin's all-peanut butter diet!
Which leads me to reason number three...
Reason Number Three: Peanut Butter goes with everything! This isn't so much a reason as it is a scientific fact. I eat peanut butter with jelly; I eat peanut butter with tomatoes! I eat it with bananas, and I eat it with tortilla chips. Bell peppers? Yep. Lucky Charms? For sure. Hamburger Meat? Shit, it's better than taco seasoning. With this in mind, your choices are practically limitless come lunchtime. If ever you see someone eating a peanut butter sandwich with nothing else on it, steal his sandwich, take one bite out of it, spit it out, yell "STOP COMPROMISING YOUR LIFE!!!" and slap him in the face with it! Then give it back to him, because peanut butter is also amazing by itself, and he probably read this blog post.
Reason Number Four: You probably wouldn't drink milk otherwise. I dare you to refute this. Cereal doesn't count, because it's required (unless you're manly/broke enough to suffer through a bowl of beereal). Not only is milk an excellent source of many necessary vitamins and minerals, it also tastes awesome with peanut butter sandwiches! In fact, I would contend that there is no more satisfying beverage to enjoy alongside a peanut butter sandwich. Challenges? Anyone? Buehler? Yeah, that's right. Go home.
Reason Number Five: Eating Peanut Butter Gets You Laid: Okay, this is a little farfetched, but hear me out and follow me if you can: what is usually always on the same grocery store aisle as peanut butter? If you answered jelly, you are absolutely right. And what is next to jelly? Honey. And what is next to honey? Syrup. And who likes honey and syrup? Oh Jebus, I'm glad you asked. There are two types of people who love honey and syrup: overweight middle-aged dudes who are trapped in unfulfilling marriages and want nothing more than to enjoy their Eggo, and 20-something sluts who like using syrup and honey as edible body wash. I'm not a betting man, but if I were, I would bet my next paycheck that a line like, "I'd love to Peter your Pan," would go over like bombs over Baghdad. Buy a loofah, homiez.
Take that, Spanish. Keep spending redonkulous amounts of money on Breadwinners, because I'm the one reaping the benefits with syrup sluts!!!
YankeeHotelFox-To-The-Trot,
Austin
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