After The Crowd

I’ve returned from my travels confused and exhausted. My confusion is emotional; caused by reunions of soul and body about which more will be written later. My exhaustion, however, results merely from having dived too deeply into the sea of humanity, with too few gulps of air in between. Only now in solitude am I beginning to catch my breath.

I’ve never been a good swimmer. Crowds especially are draining for me. In my mind’s eye, everyone is an adversary. All intend to take advantage of me. All consider themselves superior. All men intend to challenge me, and all women scorn my attention. It’s a personality both trite and pathetic. Little of it is true, and I know it. Yet extended exposure to crowds has always left me retched.

Persons I enjoy. Separated from the masses, I genuinely enjoy the company of most of those I meet. I find a great many persons to be interesting or beautiful, and I will happily spend hours trying to engage the mind of a stranger. Many of my best memories are of parties or dates or good old-fashioned hangout sessions that turned into soul-stirring 3:00am conversions. There has always been too much to say, and ever so much more to listen too.

But I never remember this. At some critical mass, company becomes a crowd and my assertive self unsure. No longer a potential soul-mate, I secret myself to a bitter corner and invent reasons to dislike those I found so intriguing before. Me in a crowd is a person I hate.

It’s an insecurity that no amount of compliments or accomplishments has been able to erode. I’ve always been very good at public speaking and performances of all kinds. I do not suffer from stage fright, and I never choke under pressure. An emotional speech before hundreds of onlookers fazes me far less then a night alone at a crowded bar. If there’s a good reason for this, it escapes me. And remembering how self confident I was during the crisis of yesterday has never helped me deal with the casualness of today. It’s embarrassing.

So tonight I will sit alone and attempt to find the self I lost in the hordes of the weekend. Hopefully, I’ll find him soon. We have much to discuss.