The Bloggers With The Most To Say
Agony Uncle, Blogging Queries & a Tag!
Q1. I am in a virtual relationship with a 22 year old male. My BF is driving me nuts these days, i feel
kicking him in the groin all the time, thereby making him impotent. But i
always end up breaking my laptop and i am typing this now from a brand
new one. Please suggest how to get rid of him without acting like a bitch and sounding rude.
A1: Getting rude to boys should come naturally to girls of your age. There seems to be a hormonal imbalance,
please consult your gynecologist as soon as possible. You may also like
to form a community on facebook - I Hate my Bf (IHMB). You can bitch
about him on this forum, and later on 'accidentally' reveal the group to
him. He will get pissed, but will keep quiet seeing how you have
revealed his "small size" you encountered on the cam chat. But please
make sure you don't discuss your breast size on such online networks.
Otherwise be prepared to get offended on Valentine's Day when he gifts
you push-up bras.
Q2. I am doing blogging for the last 3 years, but my followers count is
still in early double figures (actually i just crossed over from single
figures, i was so relieved - it felt like entering a new generation). I
comment back on each of my posts and even go to other blogs to drop
comments like - " see you soon at my place", "see you around", "please
visit my place" and "drop by my blog to shower some words" but nothing
seems to work. I agree that i write shit, but hell, i have seen worse
sitters (read writers) doing shit. I feel depressed and thoughts of
suicide often come through my mind. Please help Uncle.
A2: First stop calling me uncle, otherwise i will make you shit-for-tat.
You have not mentioned your gender. But seeing your stressful state of
mind, i am assuming you are a male. Look, this is a price you have to
pay for being in minority on this online space. I have heard rumours
that a bill will be passed soon in the Indian parliament asking for 33
percent reservation for males in blogs operated from India. Obviously,
Female bloggers are opposing it vehemently citing blogosphere as a new
dawn in the Indian economy. It is their only solace of seeking male
attention apart from getting in office, home and on roads. But coming
back to your issue, first thing you should do is get a snap with a hot
chick. The girl should not be wearing revealing clothes but should be
revealing atleast the cleavage. This will increase your brand value
among other male bloggers and they will instantly follow you hoping for
sexy pictures on your blog. And as far as attracting female bloggers go;
start writing mushy, teary and romantic posts. Hit them hard where it
hurts most (pun intended unintentionally) . And if you can't write,
simple - Just Google it, and find such posts. Where there is a will,
there is a way (through copy paste).
Q3. I am a 23 year old girl with average looks. Blogging is my last hope of getting
any attention from the opposite sex. I am shy in sharing my pics on
blogs and don't know how to approach men. I do not want to turn lesbian,
so please help me in getting atleast a date or better, a sex filled
date soon.
A3: You need to shed your shyness to have any hope of shedding your clothes with men. Get a make over done
soon. Get a new display picture showing your eyes and half nose. This will enhance your sexual
appeal. If you
don't have big breasts, you can cover your lower portion by a soft toy
or a pillow. But please refrain from using red panties to cover yourself
up, this will be like giving wrong signals to men and you run the risk
of being labelled as a slut. You can send such naughty pics later on to
men when they add you on Gtalk. Also, make sure you have a profile on
facebook, link of which should be present on your blog. This will help
in diverting all the traffic from your blog and if they are REAL men,
they will add you on FB. Later on, you can crib through status messages
how big assholes men are who keep on pestering you through friend
requests in broken English. You can also write "quarter-life-crisis" and
"sex-less-life" posts on your blog. This will help you in evaluating
how men can provide a helping hand. I am sure soon you will have loads
of options to pick your date. Good luck!
Q4. There is a (infamous) blog - Love is always new. I absolutely hate whatever he writes. I think he is good
for nothing and always blow his own trumpet. I have tried everything in
the book; sending him anonymous abusive comments and e-mails but nothing
seems to work. I do not want to reveal my bitchiness to people, but i
want him to stop blogging. His popularity is getting on my nerves all
the time. I am always finding ways to put him down. Please help before i
seek help from a psychiatrist.
A4: You need to settle down and think with a calm mind. I suggest you
enroll yourself in an anger management course or better see Love - a movie in
which Revathi teaches Salman Khan counting from one to ten to control
his fuming muscles. It's alright to be a jerk by getting jealous of such
blogs, but at the same time be innovative. You need to be on your toes
(not because your brain cell works from there) to find some way to
tackle this monster. You can write posts citing his work, you can write
how he makes grammatical mistakes in a long post and best, you can also
attack his ethics and moral values. Be a brave and stubborn bone and
make short/long term plans to stop him. Improve your time management
skills to better utilize time in creating nuisance about him by talking
to other fellow bloggers. All the very best for your future endeavors to
get him off writing on his own blog.
Q5. I am a 23 year old female working in a big Multinational company. My manager have come to know of my blogging
habits and now he is trying to read all my posts. Currently i have made
my blog private but i don't want to do that for too long. Can you
suggest my future course of action with him, both in office and on blog?
A5. You are fucked. Oops! Your future course of action should be intercourse with him. Jokes apart, you
should delete the posts where you bitched about him or better you can
replace your boss's name with his boss name. After all, there is a
delegation of anger just like delegation of responsibility. Make sure
you are on your best behaviour in the office in the coming days. Try and
take some home made halwaa for
him, which even his wife can't cook in her dreams. You can also try
asking him for a lift to drop home after pretending to work hard late in office hours. You can
utilize the time giving hints of how powerful his after shave lotion is
and how it makes you crazy.You can also tell how wonderful he looks in those
ill-fitted jeans taken from Kamla
market for 100 rupees. And don't forget to mention how wonderfully he is
managing the project and his extraordinary leadership skills. On your
blog, write nice things about him citing his cooperative and supporting
nature. Persist with him and you will soon be rewarded during appraisal
time.
PS: Any resemblance to a person living or dead is purely coincidental and is deliberately intended to cause distress, emotional
trauma and more bitching in the blogging world. Please refrain from
taking any names in the comment section but you can drop me a mail at loveisalwaysnew@gmail.com. I promise,
i won't forward your emails to the rival gang.
PPS: The original idea of this post came from Brown
Phantom's Blog, though I have changed the content from Facebook to
Blogging and from Agony Aunt to Agony Uncle to save myself from
copyright violation issues. Call that for some creativity! You better
do, otherwise i am going to block you on FB, twitter and orkut. (I hear
you saying you are not on orkut anymore. So what, i can still block a
person of your name. Hell!)
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