awkward wednesdays with grandma doris.

Bear with me. I forgot to take my ADD medication today AND I’ve been listening to this on repeat for 3 hours at my desk. So in other words, productive morning.

When you’re a half Jew, you become privy to such experiences as trying to navigate Penn Station when its filled with people trying to get home to their brisket dinners on Long Island, and finding the matzoh wrapped in a napkin. All of these fun activities come without using the Haggadah. It’s really a win-win. Or a win-lose. Or a lose-win. I haven’t quite decided.

When the infamous Grandma Doris emailed me at 12am a few Saturday nights ago and asked me to come to seder (minus the seder), I obviously agreed. Afterall, she is my Grandma. And plus, who doesn’t like a nice home cooked meal? I haven’t been grocery shopping in weeks.

Last night, I took my roommate with me to Great Neck, Long Island to endure a night of what would be excessive force feeding and inappropriate question and answer sessions. Sarah was ready. I was ready. We were both excited. Sarah was all like “how old is your Grandma, like 70?” and I was all like “93″ so like…get the fuck ready.

I was prepared for the usual “do you have any nice young gentleman friends who are doctors/lawyers/trust fund babies?” and the usual “are all of your friends impressed that your brother goes to Harvard?” I always answer those questions with a yes when the answer is a (hell) no. I’ve learned its easier, and plus, I can enjoy dinner without having to avoid the blinding glare of disappointment Doris has perfected bouncing off my silverware.

Well I mean, where do I begin. We get there, I buzz up to Grandma’s apartment.

“HELLLOOOO!” I hear her scream through the speaker, “I’M BUZZING YOU IN, DAHLING.”

As we walked up the one flight of stairs I could still hear Doris from the end of the hall. Long standing tradition, she pops out her door and watches us walk down the hallway as she silently judges.

We walk in and she immediately pushes us back out the door, asking if our feet are wet. Well yeah. We just walked 5 blocks from the train to your apartment. In the rain.

After we finally made it in, she started feeding us. Just like I knew it would be, the dining room table was covered in food to feed 12. Looks like Doris forgot…again…she’s only feeding 2 people. So like, making 2 full chickens? Unnecessary. I’m not kidding. Two full chickens. Poor guys.

In lieu of retelling the entire tale of last night, I figured why not transcribe the entire interview between Doris and Sarah and Doris and myself.

Grandma: So Sarah, what do you do?

Sarah: I’m getting back into modeling, actually.

Grandma: Ok so what size are you?

_____

Grandma: Where does your boyfriend go to school!

Sarah: Harvard. He’s finishing up his senior year.

Grandma: What is his concentration?

Sarah: Philosophy.

Grandma: Have fun being poor.

____

Grandma: You girls wanna have a long life? Stop drinking. Stop getting high. I don’t get high. And look where I am. Not dead.

____

Grandma: I hear you and I went to the same college.

Sarah: Oh you went to NYU as well?

Grandma: Class of ‘38. Back then they called it NYJew.

________

Grandma: Joan wants us to come by and have dessert.

Me: Ok, sounds great.

(She gives me a few once-overs. So like a thrice-over). Grandma: Do you wanna straighten your hair before we go?

Me: With what?

Grandma: I don’t know, I don’t know…a brush?

OHHHHH Grandma. That’s all I can say without cursing. OOHHHHHH Grandma.