Being Okay Being Sad.

I have been very proud of the attitude I have been able to maintain throughout this breakup. I have been laughing, staying busy, going to the gym every day, and actually getting some work done. I have been keeping a gratitude journal, making mental lists of things about Ryan I am NOT going to miss, and thing about my new independence that I am really enjoying. I can make the list of things my next guy will have.

But.

I have also been really NOT good at letting myself be sad. I haven't let myself mope or spend the evening on the couch crying. I have been absolutely TERRIFIED of letting myself get there. I think I have a fear that it will be to hard to come back if I go there. I joke with my family that I would just like to skip the "depression" part of the grieving period.

But, as my counselor said today, you can't avoid the step. You have to find a place where you are okay being sad.

So, in the spirit of honesty. I am here to say that I am NOT fine and I am really sad.

I have been gone all day most days at Jimmie and Anthony's. And the hardest moment of the day, is when I pull around the corner and Ryan's car isn't there. There is a list of things that I am going to miss terribly about Ryan. There are things that were uniquely Ryan or uniquely us, that will now be lost. And I know that there will be new things in any future relationship. And I know that there will be things uniquely awesome about him... but I still need to mourn the loss of Ryan, and of the life we had. And that freaking hurts.

More than spooning or cuddling, Ryan and I had a special position. With my foot hooked around his leg. It was just so comfortable. Like we were perfectly made for each other.

We called each Babes. (Sounds like "Bebs"). His family and our friends made fun of us. But he would call and when I answered he would YELL it into the phone. So excited.

We loved building castles in the clouds. We had talked about the way our entire lives were going to be. Kids names. Dream house. Family. Life.

I am going to miss his family. More than they will ever ever know. They are the GREATEST people on the earth. I hope they always know that, and cherish it.

I am going to miss having Ryan's head in my lap at night, rubbing and scratching his head. He loved it so much.

I miss talking to him. Hearing about his day. He had been doing so well at work, and I was so proud of him and how much he was growing.

I am going to miss so so much.



And I know I will be ok. But I needed to cry a little I suppose. Find a safe place to let myself be sad.