grandma the bus conductor/dictator

t has been some time since i rode a bus and when i mean bus, i mean those vehicles in edsa, manila that has drivers who are i'm assuming, race car drivers or former roller coaster operators. its either you'll be thrown at the back of the bus or violently lurch towards its front. the driver couldn't care less, as long as he commands the wheel and can tilt the bus at a 45 degree angle, depending on its speed and the number of uncomplaining, unconscious passengers in it.


the fare collectors are usually sturdy, acrobatic multitaskers who can momentarily withstand the death-defying force inside the bus. they either went through seminars on how to stand still while collecting and counting fares or they were specifically bred by the bus-owning company for the job.


imagine my surprise and amusement when i saw an old lady wearing a bus conductor's vest, holding a bunch of tickets and shouting "makakaupo, makakaupo!" ("seats available! seats available!"..i don't know how to translate it in a more concise way) inside the bus. the old lady looked like anyone's typical grandmother; petite, semi-white hair, wrinkly body parts and that annoying, bossy stance. except that this one's bossier and enforces a strong grandmotherly aura inside the whole bus. as a bus conductor, no less.


i usually pay P11.00 for a trip from ayala to baclaran but grandma (let's call her that) insisted that it was only P10.00 and why the hell am i giving her another peso for it, did i not know that i only had to pay P10.00. i smirked my thanks over her yapping and watched her all through out my entire bus duration. she kept yammering at everyone who was blocking the aisle to please move backward so there will be more spaces for new passengers and when this two guys were oblivious to her frightful yelling, she held their waists and pushed the two further, inside the bus, while commanding everyone to give way to passengers alighting her kingdom. she was certainly a very pushy, very stern grandma and i find it hilarious that large, bulky men cowed at her presence and immediately settled for the farthest seat or space, away from her. The poor men just whispered their indignation that passengers shouldn't be treated like they were her grandchildren. i kept waiting for grandma to brandish a spanking, wooden cane and for her false teeth to dangle from her mouth while collecting the fares and shouting at the passengers but i guess, no cane or dentures can ever dampen her aggressive spirit let alone make her appear weak and foolish.


of course, one might assume that she was just lucky for that day as there were no individuals who can actually stand up against her and say something offensive but really, it's amazing that someone that old can be intimidating and entertaining at the same time. imagine kris aquino (google her) as an old lady, ordering you to pay the correct amount and move your ass down the aisle. i'm pretty sure grandma also had her share of creepy, pervert passengers and the occasional robberies and hold-ups inside the bus but she seemed indifferent to the idea. that's probably the time where she whips out her cane and throws her gum at the outlaws.


i'm just not sure how she can stand, scold and collect fares all at the same time while the bus speeds forward and reclines frequently. maybe she just happens to have a naturally swift and strong grip on handlebars or she went into an estensive physical training. that or she's really genetically brought up by a company, probably thinking that old, cranky, talkative women make efficient bus conductors.


she can be a damn, good, effective police officer if she wants to. or a legendary pimp, depending on her taste. help grandma is doing well.