I Don't Mean To Be A Bitch, But...TO Sucks At Life

In honor of last night's announcement, I will inaugurate the "I Don't Mean To Be A Bitch" posts with the one, the only--Terrell Owens.

I HATE Terrell Owens. He is the number one on my sports $h*t list. More than Joe Buck, more than Manny Ramirez, more than the WSU Cougs. Even more than the Cowboys themselves. TO is nothing short of a virus, infecting whatever team he landed upon and fleeing away, unharmed, to contaminate another team. He's done it with the 49ers (who, let's face it, had nowhere to go but downhill post-Joe Montana), the Eagles (who were on the verge of their first Super Bowl victory), and now the Cowboys.

Sorry TO...it's not the team, it's you. You are a selfish, egomaniacal a$$ho!e whose talent is going to waste. Smarten up, buddy. No one but the truly desperate would even consider taking you and your massive ego on--not even the winless Detroit Lions (who at least have the first draft pick). Stop being such a selfish baby, whining about not having a QB worthy of "your talent."

Guess what, buddy? You did. Donny McNabb and you could've been great together. You were great together...until your damn ego got the better of you. Football is a team sport, dumba$$--perhaps your mother should've put you in track, tennis, or some inane solo sport that did not require other people to depend on you. The fact that you, the most obnoxious and self-obsessed player in the NFL, could not make it work with the Dallas Cowboys, the most obnoxious team in the NFL, spells your football future clearly--it's OVER. No ring. No multimillion-dollar contract. Nada.

What are you going to do now, TO? No team will touch you. No network will call on you to commentate. No college or high school team (in their right mind) would let you near them as a coach. Jessica Simpson would probably sue you if you tried to comment on her again.

Your money-hungry and selfish ways will get you far in sales. I hear Juniper is hiring.

Nah-na-na-naah, nah-na-na-naah, hey, hey, hey, GOODBYE!