I would be running too!

Have you ever had a day were you find yourself wallowing in self despair? I’m trying to pull myself out of it but for some reason here I am sitting in my own little cave with all my weakness and faults being projected back at me. I’ve had my fair share of depression and this isn’t the normal low for me. I still feel somewhat positive I know that I’m feeling down and that it will turn around. But yet all that knowledge didn’t stop the dark thoughts I had this morning driving into work. Nor does staying busy, this is always my first approach at fending off thoughts of self hate and gloom. It’s not working and all I’m left with is exhaustion and a bigger bank account.

So what can be so wrong with my life? Why is an otherwise healthy 24 unhappy too much of the time. Its my perceived weakness, the fact that one day the Ex will be happy with someone else and that I wasn’t good enough for him. Never mind the fact that he isn’t the right one for me that doesn’t matter, think along the lines of “if I can’t have him no one can,” only problem is that he isn’t mine anymore and will never be again, oh yea and that he is a dating whore!

The fact that I’m scared shitless of living on own again. I am looking forward to so much I miss my own company and I miss not having to share a space with my MOTHER! But I’m worried that I will start to oversleep since I won’t have anyone to make sure I’m awake even though I get up on my own. That even now I feel alone and lonely and I’m hardly ever alone, how will I feel once I’m alone all the time? Its one thing to sleep alone but to come home alone and wake to nothing is very very depressing. I’m not sure how I will handle it. I haven’t lived alone in 2 years and then the Ex was over a bunch.

I am also crushed that my first date with Tattoo guy went well (ok maybe it went badly), we had chemistry and laugher. He has since gone silent on me (Read on and you will see why). After our date on Friday he texted me goodnight and tell me I looked pretty and that he wanted to kiss me but that I didn’t seem too in it. I assured him I had a great time and that I don’t kiss on the first date! A lie yes but we were standing in the middle of the IHOP parking lot and I wasn’t feeling it at the time. I did want to be kissed by him though. We haven’t talked too much since. I dunno what’s going on (I’m a bit in denial, no?)

Our date however was really fun and I found myself enjoying his company. He really does have a bunch of tattoos and piercings. I don’t remember much from our chatter other than there was a guy at the bar that looked JUST like Brett Michaels!! I know that I kept saying this over and over and over. I must have said it 2 dozen times over the course of a few hours. I also showed up to our date following happy hour with a girlfriend so I had a head start. Then instead of slowing down I thought I could match his speed…needless to say I got hammered. Ok so I’ve learned from my date from Hampton to make sure and review my notes before the date so not to have any more foot in mouth (FNM) moments. However I totally forgot about getting trashed on a first date. FUCK!!! Ok so I might have been a broken record on the whole Brett Michaels look alike and I might have tripped down some stairs, Tattoo didn’t see this thank God he had his back to me at the time, but I did get a nice round of applause from the crowd. Then we went to IHOP to sober me up some. I hardly ate my food as the world was spinning a little so we talked for over an hour…none of which I recall and then I asked for a to go box, really!! I can see why he isn’t calling…I would be running away too. Which lead me to ask am I purposing destroying my dates?


The whole thing has me debating whether to quit online dating. Maybe I’m just not ready. I mean I’ve had a few bad dates and some good ones that have led no where. And it’s a lot of work and effort to chat with a number of men and keep them all straight. And then there’s the fact that you give away some of you to each one of them. It’s hard. Then after you have invested hours chatting and emailing back in forth you get a mild fondness for the person so you meet them and if the chemistry isn’t flowing it shatters the investment and you’re back at square one. But if the chemistry is there and then they just go silent after then they just weren’t into you. I hate rejection. Getting rejected leads me down the path of thinking that I won’t do better than the Ex, that I’ve topped out and won’t ever find anyone as good as the Ex, that the Ex will get married and have a family before me and that I will never achieve that, that I made a mistake with the Ex and maybe if I weren’t feeling so damn entitled to having all my needs met then maybe we could work. It’s a bitch it’s a tailspin and it has led me to wallow in weakness.

So folks I guess I should just take a pass and step down from dating, at least from now. Apparent I’m not ready.