I'm a mog. Half man, half dog...I'm my own best friend...An open letter to my dogs...

Dear Smokey and Petey,

Would you please explain to me why you both have gained so much weight lately? I just weighed you both last night and the numbers hit me in the heart. I changed your dog food to a better quality dog food so you could live longer, but lately you have just been packing on the pounds, and let's face it...you're both obese and Vogue and GQ won't be calling any time soon.

Petey, you have always been a fat little monster. I find comfort in pulling the excess skin away from your body and love that you are a fat lazy dog, but even you have become too lazy recently. You used to fight with D. all the time and now you just lay around the house hating your life. Heaven forbid I have to pick up that pillow you are so comfortably laying on, you lazy dog.

Smokey, my Australian Cattle Dog. You are supposed to be stocky, but you are tall. You are supposed to have all toes, but you are missing one. You are supposed to have a tail, but someone cut it off. You are supposed to be crazy, but you're lazy as hell. You're supposed to be a physically fit dog, but your weight has doubled since we got you! Would you please explain to me why you sleep so much? What in your life is so difficult and emotionally draining that it requires you to sleep 23 hours a day. 9 hours of that time is spent sleeping on my Egyptian Cotton Down Comforter that is worth more than you life...

So Petey and Smokey, I would like to know what I can do to make you both happy? Is it that you are depressed and secretly are eating ice-cream together when I am gone during the day, or are you drowning your sorrows in that bag of chips? I would like to know what has caused this weight gain so that I can fix your health problems, I need you around for the next few years because Papa isn't going to be around that much to spend time with me.

When you both come up with an answer, please let me know ASAP. Mama needs you!

XOXO,
Mama SS