Is He Good Enough (For Me)? By miss esther

A few years ago, I was at a baby shower my boyfriend's ex-boss was throwing. I was feeling bored and out of place-probably since I was in my early 20s whereas everyone else was in their early 30s-married, some of them with kids, doing adult things like paying the mortgage. Anyways, after we cut the cake and settled at various tables to eat, my boyfriend introduced me to one of his old co-workers, Dana. She was in her early 30s and was cradling a cute baby boy. "Dana's from the same city as you," my boyfriend volunteered. Dana looked at me and smiled-but it was one of those fake smiles girls give each other when we're just being polite. Then she turned her back and chatted with my boyfriend for the rest of the party. I was peeved but decided she wasn't worth it.

On the drive home, my boyfriend started talking about his ex-coworkers and Dana's name came up. I made a face and when he asked what was wrong, I told him I thought Dana was a little cold. He laughed and said it was probably nothing. But then he said, "Well, I don't know if this has anything to do with it but I could tell you a story about her.

"So a few months after Dana got engaged, the whole office went out for happy hour. The person who came with her left early so I offered to drive her home. When I pulled into her driveway, she asked me if I wanted to come in. I felt weird since she was engaged and all but I didn't want to offend her so we ended up talking on her porch. At first we just talked about work and stuff. But then, she started saying, 'I don't know if I'm ready to get engaged. I mean, this is such a big step and I don't know if Bill is the right guy.'" I rolled my eyes and said, "That's such a line. She was totally coming onto you." He shrugged, "That's what I thought but maybe she just got cold feet. Anyhow, she ended up getting married a few months later. Since then, she's had 2 kids and seems pretty happy."

Later that week, I did what any girl would do and shared the story with my girlfriends Amy and Lynn to hear their thoughts. "Well, I think she was interested in your boyfriend but some people freak out before weddings," said Lynn matter-of-factly. Amy was quiet and looked pensive. When I asked her what was wrong, she paused and then said, "I don't know if I should say." Curious, Lynn and I kept prodding her until she told us this: "Well, it's just maybe I can relate to her . . . sort of. Last week, I met this guy at a volunteer event who was really cute. He and I just clicked and had fun chatting. Talking to him made me think that he would be the type of guy I would be dating if I weren't dating Ben." Ben was Amy's long-time friend turned recent boyfriend. They had been dating for a few months now and were nearing that crucial 6 month mark. From shared conversations, I knew she was still unsure whether he was "the ONE" for her."

"I feel so guilty saying this . . . I mean Ben is great but he's still just starting out on his career path and he'll be in school at least a few years before we can start thinking seriously about the future. . . whereas this guy has it together." Then she quickly added, "But it's not like I would do anything-and besides, he has a girlfriend."

"It's totally natural to feel this way," I told her nodding. "Especially when you first start dating someone and it's still new." "Yeah," added Lynn. "You're still figuring things out with Ben and your new relationship."

Amy looked at us skeptically. "Really? Do other girls do this too? Did you guys do this when you first started dating?"

"I did, " I said. "I was still trying to figure out what my type was so I dated a few guys casually at the same time. But they were doing it too so they knew what was going on."

"Well, I usually date one guy at a time, but sometimes I find myself comparing my bf to my exes or people I've dated in the past," said Lynn, turning a little red.

Looking grateful and relieved, Amy smiled. We laughed and patted her on the back saying, "Yeah-don't worry-you're not the only one."

We all want the best for ourselves-especially when it comes to love. But sometimes, when we second-guess ourselves too much, we start an endless cycle of looking for flaws and focusing on what we don't have rather than what we do have in the other person-right now.