Making it personal...

I wanted to share a little bit about the reason I began blogging and then focus on what this page is going to turn to. My very first blog started when I went away to college. I was 18 and I'd heard about this "myspace" networking site. I quickly became addicted, like most people who join any networking site do. It took me a while to discover this "blog" tab, but when I did it became a very useful tool for me. I've always had a passion for writing and it became the place for me to share my fiction and poetry pieces.

What began as my place to share my writing pieces, became the place I dumped all my emotions. I then began to notice the stats on the sidebar and realized that people were reading. People were curious about my life and whatever else I had to share. People chimed in to read my opinions on movies and any of my experiences and it led me to buy my very first url. Woohoo! When I opened "sakiwrotewhat?!!" I tried to balance both my personal blog on myspace and this new blog that somehow turned into my designer toy blog. I couldn't balance both, so I pulled the strings on my myspace blog hoping that that crowd of people would follow me to my site. It didn't work out to well, but I didn't take it personally-- the subject base of both blogs was entirely different.

My little designer toy blog is still very little. In comparison to the big blogs out there, my blog is the most opinionated and personal of them all-- because it's about what I like, not about who I need to represent and who pays my bandwidth, etc. But, more and more I find myself not having a place to dump my feelings. I think with the opening of this page on 20something, I'm going to turn this into just that. It's going to be personal, really personal... but I won't fool you about it. If you tune in, if it's too much info-- it was your choice. You have been warned.

I want to start by focusing on yesterday's misunderstanding that led me to make this decision. My boyfriend and I, we've officially been together for 3 years. Well, in September we celebrated our 3 year anniversary and let me tell you, it's been an interesting roller coaster ride. Clearly, I have my opinion about our relationship and he has his. I think we're doing bad, especially intimately-- he thinks we're fine. Through loads of "fights" and discussions I've established my want/need of feeling desired. He has made it clear that he wants me to be as aggressive as I was when we first started dating. This is hard to achieve when you don't feel desired, so we're kind of experiencing a catch 22.

Well, I've tried working on his want/need. I have began shaving every weekend (this is the part when some of you get grossed out. It is true, it's hard for me to shave all the time. I used to not shave at all during the winter seasons and only shave during the summer and whenever I was in the mood for it. I have super sensitive skin and I've tried many tactics, but my legs always hurt/burn when I shave consistently). It hurts to shave, it burns to use Veet/Nair, but I'm trying.

So what happened yesterday? I totally want to get "laid." I go to the bathroom and slap on the veet and wait. I hop in the shower and rinse away and begin to cleanse myself. The Mr. (my "cutesy" name for my boyfriend) happens to walk towards the bathroom, opens the door while I'm in the shower so I build myself up and say, "get in here." He says, "no!" Then I say again, "why not? Come in here with me." He proceeds with the same answer, then walks away. When he walks away, I hear, "I'll be back."

What is one to think from this? I was clearly upset. When he came back I just told him to leave me alone and got back to what he was doing. My automatic assumption was, he just walked away from me to set up a fucking download on his 360 or something. In our discussions it has been established that I need to be more aggressive, but when I get there or try to get there, I get rejected. So, I feel like I'm working on a want/need of his, but he's not working on my want/need from him.

Later we discussed this and I quickly became agitated when he didn't get why I was upset. I told him he rejected me and then walked away. He responds with, "I was joking." As in, when he rejected me twice, he was joking with me. I am clearly even more upset and he thinks I shouldn't be. Now, I need some help-- did I overreact? Was me standing naked in the shower asking him to get in with me the appropriate time for that joke? Give me an outsider's perspective on this.