paradox

I'm a romantic. I admit it, okay? Though I've never seen it in real life, I've believed in the fairy tale, happily ever after and all. My favorite collegiate courses were the intense and idealistic Romanticism in American Lit and Medieval Lit, with its knights and ladies and their courtly love. I have dreams of "Prince Charming" and the stuff of Nicholas Sparks novels. I believe in butterflies and love notes and mid-sentence kisses and holding hands and slow-dancing in the living room after the kids have gone to sleep. I imagine being with a man with whom it is commonplace to eat dinner outside, watching the sun set, to wash the dishes as he dries (because I hate putting them away), to be so in love that I will save every little thing as long as we are together, all of our lives...

How can that be?

Because I also don't like men very much. I don't really believe any of the above is possible. I used to believe that I just hadn't known a good man. Now, I'm not sure there is such thing, at least for me. There are many that claim to be, pretend to be, maybe even can be, but are not. I think there are a precious few. If you found one, know that you are blessed. If you are one, hold your head up high. I pray that my son will be among you when he is grown.

I know I'm freshly burned, and I may not feel this way forever. Right now, though, I'm struggling with this paradox. I can't fathom myself dating, and I don't just mean tomorrow. I mean ever. I want nothing to do with men...but at the same time, I know how damaged my dad was by his divorce. He didn't see anyone again until over a decade later and didn't share his life with anyone else for over twenty years...I would hate to let this break me, to lose that idealism that makes me who I am, to have him be the only one that got the best of me.