Splatter Rage

The last few public restrooms I've had the pleasure of visiting in the past couple of days have been atrocious. And I'm not talking about odors or negligence from the management and/or cleaning staff. The sinks and overall areas have been well-kept to the point that Mr. Clean would be satisfied. My gripe is with the individuals that manage to urinate all over the fucking place.

For years I didn't understand how that was physically possible. Years. Decades. Pee on the seat, on the floor, all over the place. I mean, what the fuck? Is there a nozzle overhead that is dispensing urine? Do people go out of their way to be disgusting jerks and intentionally pee everywhere? For years I thought so. No, really. I figured people were assholes and wanted to leave their revolting mark behind. I mean, how (and why) the fuck does someone spray so much urine all over the place?

I used to think this atrocious behavior was limited to certain venues, like airports and gas stations and enormous stadiums. But I recently encountered it in a restaurant. A really nice restaurant. And the bitch comes out of the stall without batting an eye. Are you fucking kidding me? Lady, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Anyway, I cracked the mystery: turns out people are assholes. Specifically, it's the hoverers. I'm going to come right out and say it: I'm not a hoverer. Yes, there are instances when everyone must hover. Like during said assault with urine. And China. But otherwise, my ass is on that seat. That's what it's there for.

Hoverers, I have two comments for you:

For starters, sit on the goddamn seat. It's not going to bite you. It's cleaner than you think. You cannot catch a disease or an STD from a toilet seat. That is a FACT. It's been proven many times. And the bacteria or any other germs you may come into contact with will be good for you. Think of it as building your immunity, strengthening your tolerance against cooties. You should throw out that antibacterial sanitizer you carry around with you too. That shit is to blame for antibiotic-resistant superbugs and the rapid spread of disease. Don't get me started on that little tirade.

And secondly, if you must hover, HOVER. Don't fucking stand and spray that shit everywhere. Squat your ass down close and hit your target. INTO THE BOWL, LADIES. It hurts? Tough shit. You shouldn't be doing it in the first place. Work out those quads. Feel the burn. Brace yourself against the wall if you have to. But for fuck's sake. Stop peeing all over the place. It's fucking disgusting. Animals are cleaner.

Is it that hard to be a clean, responsible, considerate human being? Is it really such an effort not to douse a public area with urine? Yes? Then don't leave the house.

Jesus. And I'm not even the poor person that has to clean up after you assholes.