the lost one

I started this post about four times today, each time deleting my words and walking away...I knew I wanted to get this out, but wasn't sure how to approach it. After the babies went to sleep, I sat here awhile, looking at the blank screen. Now I know:

I had a dream last night...I hardly ever remember my dreams, so that I did is weird enough. All I remember is seeing Gram in a rocking chair, holding a baby wrapped in a white blanket. As soon as I saw the baby, I knew who he was. The one I lost.

I have successfully pushed that baby out of my mind. The pregnancy was unexpected and I miscarried shortly after I found out we were expecting. Initially, I was sad, but I wouldn't say I ever grieved. I didn't have the chance to grow attached to that baby, as it was still just an idea to me. I became numb. And I haven't thought about that in years, other than at doctor's appointments when they asked which number pregnancy I was on...maybe I could separate myself because I hadn't had my children yet. If it happened now, I know I'd feel differently.

Today, a rough day already, I couldn't stop thinking about him (or her). I feel somewhat guilty for neglecting that baby in my memory, not even remembering him or her in my prayers...I wondered what he or she would be like, a full year older than Rex. But more than the guilt and other jumbled emotions, was comfort...

My Gram is watching over that baby for me. There are no hands I would trust more.