There was an old woman who lived in a shoe

Let me tell you a little bitty story. About a shoe.

I'll go back to the beginning. When it all started.

Cooper likes to play with Joe's bronzed baby shoes. They are cute little baby sandals from when Joe was a baby. And his dad ( I assume, or maybe his grandma) had them bronzed. Hence the bronzed baby shoes. OK, so anyway, Cooper likes to play with them. He walks around with them and when he's done he usually puts them back where he got them.

It was mid December. I remember this because I was wrapping Christmas gifts on the stove/island in the kitchen thinking it wasn't a good place to put paper in case I accidentally turned on one of the knobs. So that's how I know when it was.

As I'm wrapping presents, Cooper is playing with the shoe. There's a knock at the door. I expect it to be my sister because she was on her way over. It was my neighbor and her two kids. They brought us Christmas cookies. I invite them in, we chat, I tell her that I am trying to teach Cooper not to play with my train around the tree because I don't want it broke, her son is playing with the train around my tree and he breaks off Goofy's ear. Then he moves on to Coopers toys. I'm having a silent heart attack because this kid always breaks multiple things at my house whenever he comes over.

So they leave, my sister arrives. I finish what I'm doing and start cleaning up. Same old routine. Cooper puts the shoes back as best as a one year old can do. I put one shoe on the stand and reach for the other one. Not there. I look around, do a couple spins thinking I missed it, nope. Not there. I search the front room, kitchen, laundry room, family room and yup, no shoe. My sister and I search high and low for this shoe. I mean seriously, how many places can a baby hide a shoe, right?

We don't find it. I'm devastated. Now I have to tell my husband that I can't find the shoe. He's not as anal about these things as I am. I DON'T LOSE THINGS! It's no big deal he tells me, we'll find it somewhere.

Days go by and no shoe. It was getting close to garbage day and I just couldn't bear the thought that maybe Cooper had thrown it in the trash or recycle and it would go to the dump. So I have Joe bring the cans into the garage, lay out a tarp and I go dumpster diving. In the garage. In the dead of winter. No way in hell I was doing that outside. My neighbors would really think I was on crack. So as the story goes. I was up to my ass in trash and still no shoe.

I got thinking that since the neighbor came over and her son likes to take my things, maybe the little monster took it home with him.

I call my neighbor and ask if maybe she's seen it. Nope, doesn't have a clue what I'm talking about. I call my friend Marmalade who was over as well and ask if her grandkids saw it. She asked, they said no.

Well shit. I'll never find that damn shoe. Every time I see the empty spot where that shoe should sit, I apologize to Joe. I tell him I'm sorry I lost the shoe. His baby shoe, none the less. He's not too worried but like I said, I am. I'm sure that shoe made it's way to the landfill only to be carried off by a seagull destined for much warmer climates somewhere south of here.

Can you just picture that. Some guy, strolling along some beach in Brazil when, WHACK, a fucking shoe falls from the sky and hits him square on the skull. Hey, at least the bird didn't crap on him.

Fast forward to April. I'm looking for a missing sippy cup. Notice a trend here? I see that a piece needs to be super glued back on the bronze shoe holder. I ask Joe to glue it back on and I'm going to put away my winter shoes and bring out my spring/summer shoes.

As I'm in the coat closet gathering shoes, the same closet I had searched many many times, I pick up my snow boots. I notice as I bend down to pick up the shoes, there's something in my boot. I take a closer look. It's the fucking shoe.

I holler across the room, you'll never believe what I just found. The god dammed shoe, I tell him. The fucking shoe I've looked everywhere for. Right here in my fucking snow boot. Do you know how many times I looked in that closet. How many times I moved those boots and never knew it was there?

Cooper is sitting in his highchair the whole time eating Cheerios. Silently laughing, thinking to himself, shit mom, it took you long enough.
I can't even begin to tell you how fucking giddy it made me that after all this time the shoe has now been returned to it's home on the shelf.