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What do you do if you disagree with a friend's relationship?
Have you ever been in a scenario where you genuinely do not approve a friend's choice in a relationship? Maybe you dislike the person but aren't sure why or you have things you've noticed that you feel like your friend hasn't seen. How have you handled this situation?
Do you tell your friend? Say nothing? Or try to talk yourself into liking the person because your friend does?
I've been on both sides of this scenario. When I got out of a past relationship I found out that several of my friends disliked him for various reason. I told them all (at the time) that I wish someone would have had the guts to tell me. I am not sure if I would have been able to listen at the time, but perhaps the relationship would have ended sooner. Sometimes when you are in a bad relationship you feel like you're just making things worse in your head, so it can help to hear it from an outsider.
What do you guys think?
Tags: boyfriends, dating, friendship
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Gina on -
If you are very, very close to this person, I think you can step in and say something. If you are a hang-out-once-a-month-friends, then I think you ought to keep your opinions to yourself.
If you do decide to say something, it would probably be best received if the information is given in a non-judgmental, clear, non-emotional way. Don't do it right after she's had a big fight with him. Don't do it after she's had a big fight with you. Don't do it if she's tired or super stressed. If you are serious about this, then you want her full attention, and you want her to be thinking clearly.
However, things that look sucky on the outside might really be rosy on the inside. You might think he's a jerk, but they work well together. If you make your case clearly and honestly, and she chooses to ignore it, you have to let her live her life. Be there for support, but keep your nose out of their business unless she asks you for help/guidance.
The only exception to all this: if you have firsthand knowledge of this person being abusive, you tell her and you tell her fast, no matter the circumstances.
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Permalink Reply by cooper on -
I think it's best to let people make their own bad choices. If she asks your opinion give it, otherwise unless you think she is in danger leave it alone.
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Permalink Reply by Melissa Brander on -
I think for me it depends a lot on the friend and what the behavior is. I'll way all of this and then decide if/when I should say something and what I should say. Usually, I end up being vocal, but I feel like I'd rather say something to them and have me be angry with them than pretend to their face. But if they're abusive, I will always say something, even though most of the time if they are being abused, they're not so good at listening. But at least then they will know when they are brave enough to leave that they have someone who will believe them.
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Permalink Reply by R...RAWR on -
I think it depends.
Like some of the others said, I probably wouldn't have taken very well to being told I was being blind to person X's fuck ups/ they just weren't healthy for me. It's highly likely that I would've pushed back, gotten into an argument, and hated them for a while.
However, I'm visiting old friends at the moment and I've (inevitably) spent the last few days rehashing the drama & nonsense with the ex-boyfriend that left me in a rather bad place. All my closest friends had the exact same sentiment, "I never liked him. He just wasn't good for you". It's been five years and I suppose I have the benefit of hindsight, but I couldn't help but feel a little bit let down because not one of them thought to say something; to try and save me from myself. I do think I would've pushed them away, but I also think I would've been more cautious about things and really keep an eye out for the red flags that I'd somehow begun to overlook. In a way, I'm glad that they didn't tell me because I had to figure it out for myself and then get the hell out of it as quickly as I could. I had to do it without anybody's help, and I think that's made me stronger and I've definitely learnt a lesson I won't be forgetting.
I have told close friends I don't approve of certain partners that they've had. I had solid reasons for why rather than just 'I just get that vibe', I find that having reasons can soften the blow a bit- allow you to have a discussion rather than a confrontation. Also? Be prepared to be wrong, and know that you have to apologise for it if you are.
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Permalink Reply by Kelli Shea on -
I make new friends.
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Permalink Reply by Kathy on -
Long ago, I didn't like my friend's bf coz he's a giant dick. Whenever we go out, I always give her a little test, A: come with us, leave out the douche, B: don't come. Not surprisingly, she always chose A. We haven't hangout with her bf around ever. Until they broke up. Good riddance.
I'm a bad friend.
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Permalink Reply by PrettyPrincessXo on -
I just mind my own business. If it isn't hurting me or affecting my life, it's not my concern. If I don't like the person then I just don't go around them. I really don't see the need in making a huge fuss about someone a friend is dating. If they're treating your friend badly, your friend will only leave them when he/she is ready. You can talk until you're blue in the face but if they don't want to leave, they wont until they are 100% ready. So to me, it's not worth causing an uncomfortable vibe in my friendships. I just hang out with said friend when they aren't with their other. If by chance they choose their other over you constantly, let them.. and be there for them when it doesn't work out. "Keep calm and carry on."
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Permalink Reply by Erini CS on -
Like others have said, it's a tricky situation.
If there's possible abuse, physical OR emotional, then I say yes, step in and talk with them. Keep reminding them that you're only saying it because you care for them. You might risk the closeness of your friendship, but in my mind, it's sort of worth taking if any little bit sinks in and they attempt to take care of themselves.
I had friends express, fairly causally, that I could do better than my college boyfriend when I was dating him. I think they route they took was shock that he didn't get me presents and that I deserved a guy who'd want to do that. In all honesty, I could do better. The relationship wasn't a healthy one (not that getting gifts was any part of that). I gave up a lot of my life and didn't put myself first. I thought I was being a good girlfriend, but really I was only hurting myself (and a lot of friendships).
It's hard to take that advice when you're in a relationship. You've got blinders on and you're all high on the happy-lovey-dovey shit. I think you've got to figure out what's the best communication style for that friend. Is it a one-on-one serious conversation? Casual chat while you're out doing stuff? Or do it in a group? It's never easy, but sometimes something needs to be said.
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Permalink Reply by Lauren on -
Sorry but I think you have to just SUCK IT UP! And hope that she also realizes that he sucks. When you're in a relationship, you tend not to actually listen to your friends' advice, even if you would ultimately agree with it.
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Permalink Reply by MarylandGirl on -
This situation sucks.
Because my ex-bestfriend was in this situation and we ended up not talking anymore because of it. It sucks because when I'm home from college she's my neighbor and has acted weird about it.
I caught her boyfriend cheating on her with a friend from school. I approached her with all the evidence and stated that I did not like the way he was treating her (I left my opinion about him personally out of it) and told her to make a decision. She came back very respectably and said she did not believe it. He was controlling and forbidded her to see me. And she listened. She was my BEST FRIEND like, ever. We were neighbors we did everything together but as soon as she started dating this guy, I saw that she was losing herself.
It sucks. Now, she's dating someone new who now lives with her family (long story). I've tried talking to her but at this point, I was a great friend to her and she hasn't realized I was watching out for her greater interest. It really sucks but then again it showed me what great of a "friend" she was. She hasn't tried to fix things since.
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Permalink Reply by The Vox on -
It can be hard. But if you tell them how you feel about it and they don't want to listen, what do you do?
Just let her date him. It's her decision. It'll be her mistake. This has happened to me more than once recently and I decided to let her know that I don't want to hear about her relationship anymore. She chose the guy over our friendship, which sounds whiny, but the guy tried hit on me multiple times. In front of her and behind her back. I told her, yet she didn't seem to care or do anything. She just blames the girls for the problem. And, seriously, who does this guy think he is? He's not my type and he doesn't respect women AT ALL.
It's her decision, and you don't have to be apart of it. I lost her as a friend, but she thinks she has done nothing wrong. If you're friend does doesn't think your opinion matters, then why fight it? She's not a true friend.
I agree with Kelli Shea. Make new friends. You are putting to much energy into something that has nothing do with you. And she doesn't care, so good riddance.
Hope that helps :)
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