I think I need someone standing over my shoulder at all times to just remind me to take deep breaths whenever I'm freaking out. Even though I've come to find that it doesn't really help me as much as I'd like for it to, it does calm me down at least a little bit to know that I'm trying
to calm down. If I do nothing, I think my brain likes to fall in to the intense cycle of: shit man, you're freaking out
, to what the fuck are you gonna do?!
followed with oh God, I have NO idea what to do! I'm going to die. My heart is going to explode as a complication of freaking out and I'm going to die. Damnit.
aaaaaaaand repeat (except the following parts of the cycle now not only have the original problem to freak out about, but also have the issue of freaking out over freaking out). I think I really need a new stress management system.
Slightly related to this, I have to finish up priming my room today. Please notice I said priming
. Fantastic, right? Even after I'm done with all of this, I still have to go back and actually paint everything (which is precisely what I was freaking out over this morning). The more I have to do to fix my room up, the less motivated I am to do it. Oddly enough, the more I finish, the less I feel like continuing too. I just keep overwhelming myself with stupid, shitty thoughts about my future landlords that make this whole process way less enjoyable. For instance, I might think that it's their job to re-paint the rooms between tenants. I may believe it's their job to put new carpet in the building when there were animals using it as a toilet no more than a month ago. Or I might even think that it's their responsibility to finish some projects that they've started over three years ago, like closing off the bath tub/shower to be flush with the wall. But, instead, I get to come in and paint my entire room. I tore up the carpet in the living room and my own room. I sanitized the kitchen and cleaned the refrigerator. While all of this SHOULD make me proud of my cleaning ability and the fact that I'm making my new home livable, it really just pisses me off that I'm the one that has to do it. To add to that feeling, I know that if I were to allow the landlords to handle these projects, I would be severely unhappy with the job they did.
I feel the need to cut myself short on the issue simply to avoid getting myself worked up again... But I'll be bringing my camera with me today to be taking some pictures of the place to give you all (and by "you all," I mean "you two") an idea of how big these rooms are and a few examples of why I get so flustered. Chances are, I'll just be editing this post with the pictures toward the bottom.
With that, I bid you farewell until you hear from me again. I must be off to make some blood monies (I donate plasma so that I can eat) and then slave away in my room again. This is how super excited I am about my day's plans:
NOT AT ALL EXCITED