I have a confession. I lie sometimes…often to myself. The fact is, we all do it. But some of us are better at it than others. And when it comes to making myself believe something that is so obviously not true that someone else could pick it apart in thirty seconds or less…well I could teach the master class. But even the best can’t lie to themselves forever and when the lie falls apart, it really falls apart, and you’re left with a mound of rubble that used to be your expectations and beliefs. The last time this happened to me, the lie was that I was the kind of person that put others before myself, even if other people stood in the way of something I really, really wanted. Turns out, when I want something badly enough, no one stands in my way. It’s the kind of determination that makes a mother kill a man in cold blood to save her child. It’s what makes someone backstab everyone in her path to get the job she’s always dreamed of. And it’s what just might make you leave a thousand friendships battered and trashed just to be with the one man who has ever really understood you.
Before that, the lie that fell apart was that my high school boyfriend was just protective and not in fact a raging psychotic who was mentally (and once or twice, physically) abusing me. Later, I found out I didn’t really want to be a doctor…right in the middle of a biochemistry exam. Because the thing is, these lies fall apart at the most inconvenient times. They’re there, supporting you and allowing you to see yourself in a certain light and them like a cloud of fog, they’re blown away by the wind. And sometimes the view isn’t as pretty as you might have hoped for. And this morning, it happened again.